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Thread: |[CLAYMAKER]| Chapter 2 -89%

  1. #31
    Super Senior Member Celestial-Fox's Avatar
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    How is it that I was gone for so long and didn't notice this? oAo I don't know what to say! So far it's wonderful. I loved page 28; it was my favorite. I'd watch out for modern language like "crap," though. It kinda kicks the reader out of the setting. I would do some language worldbuilding and try to come up with alternate exclamations. Stephen King did it amazingly in The Dark Tower (which also has a gorgeous comic series, too).
    Last edited by Celestial-Fox; 10-27-2011 at 08:25 PM.

  2. #32
    Regular Member Sutari's Avatar
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    Thank you for the comments guys D: really, i appreciate the support.

    @Tay - READ THE END OF CHAPTER ONE, MANG

    @Ceef - I didn't even think about using dialogue to world-build.. i will think of that from now on!

    @Bacon/Matt - Yeah, if that would have put a box around it, it would have fit in more instead of looking like leland's thoughts OTL

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------


    HOKAY, NEXT CHAPTER.

    I promise this chapter has bigger pages... but i will be going through them individually and re-doing the trees to be all cross-hatchy like in the title. But before that i am going downtown for a few hours cause my fan broke...

    p1
    SPOILER! :

    p2
    SPOILER! :

    p3
    SPOILER! :

    p4
    SPOILER! :

    p5
    SPOILER! :

    p6
    SPOILER! :

    p7
    SPOILER! :

    p8
    SPOILER! :

    p9
    SPOILER! :

    p10
    SPOILER! :

    p11
    SPOILER! :
    Last edited by Sutari; 11-06-2011 at 10:34 AM.

  3. #33
    Three Trio Tres Member MiKuRu's Avatar
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    I like it so far Rei [specially page 28]. whyyousoheavyTei xD.

  4. #34
    Fifty Fifty Member Bacon_Barbarian's Avatar
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    *re-reads completed chapter listening to TTGL Theme*

    Epic. 8)
    My AA thread - Updated 06/28/14

    Quote Originally Posted by Celestial-Fox View Post
    You're my favorite.

  5. #35
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    Excellent work! Great read...well done in all aspects.

  6. #36
    Devilish Member Joosh's Avatar
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    Man Rei.
    Make this a book
    Sell it on here to me ;-;

  7. #37
    101 Dalmations Member GAbRieLWrIgHt's Avatar
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    i'm loving this, it's really good. the layouts are good. there is a problem with his feet on the chapter 2 title page, other than that the legs are also appear to be stiff, but you may have done that on purpose

  8. #38
    Super Senior Member Celestial-Fox's Avatar
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    I keep coming back to this thread just to look at all he pages again. XD I like how this new chapter is starting out so far. The thing I noticed on my re-reads, though, is that your pages don't have a lot of content in them--that is, it reminds me of a series of full-blown images with tiny captions instead of a comic.

    More fluid motion and readability would result if you planned more panels in each page. You average 3 or 4 panels a page, but if you look around at other comics you'll notice that they have more panels than that. Watchmen had about 6 to 9 panels a page--and I'm not suggesting that you kill yourself and do that (it takes a certain level of practice to effectively get to that point), but just try to be more conscious of your paneling. Instead of cutting in and around your scenes, try to get some successive movements; it adds to the mood.

    Try checking out the first few pages of Fungus Grotto. You don't actually have to read it, but look at the movement in the pages. Each panel drives some sort of action, no matter how subtle. Some focus on nervous fidgeting of feet, sideways glances, or even breathing. The result is a smoother line of action and emotion that is easy to follow.

    (Also, the comic has been running for a long time, so you can see a lot of improvement in paneling techniques as time goes on. I really like the way the artist--Ms,Shatia Hamilon--handles dialogue in the newer chapters.)
    Last edited by Celestial-Fox; 10-27-2011 at 06:07 PM.

  9. #39
    Regular Member Sutari's Avatar
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    Thank you seef.... HONESTLY THANK YOU. If you didnt say that, i wouldn't know any of that. But you're absolutely right. I will add more panels and more flow. *bows*

    btw, 3 more pages uploaded

  10. #40
    Super Senior Member Celestial-Fox's Avatar
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    I feel so bad about giving you such tough crits because I can't do comics for crap! D:

    But ooh, shiny Tei. XD

    I forgot to mention that a good place to worldbuild the dialect would be to look at words with traditionally religious associations ("hell," chapter 2, page 2) and replace them with something else. Do these characters believe in a place that's hell-like? What's its name? You can reinforce that this new made-up word isn't something kids should say by having other characters give sideways glances or make little comments about it.

    Joss Whedon did it in his TV series, Firefly, with the word "gorram." This example is a little obvious as for what it means, but you get the idea.

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