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Thread: Improve Your Writing Skills (New Thread)

  1. #51
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    I was on the front lines, sixteen years old and going as the ‘flag man’. Such a young soldier holding such an enormous responsability. I was glad with my duty, I was in front, I was supposed to be the first to die, quickly. But, oh, how wonderfull is the hability of fate to change itself...
    Too many commas here. But other than that, good job.

  2. #52
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    Quote Originally Posted by brain132 View Post
    Too many commas here. But other than that, good job.

    Ok, I'll fix that, thanks o/

  3. #53
    Princess of Default Victories pajamajam's Avatar
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    Lot of spelling errors there.

  4. #54
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    Quote Originally Posted by pajamajam View Post
    Lot of spelling errors there.
    I was afraid of that. Well, I'm sorry, I'm better in portuguese xD

  5. #55
    Princess of Default Victories pajamajam's Avatar
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    I bet I would have figured that out if I'd looked at your location. XD If you need someone to proofread, I bet there's a lot of people who are willing.

  6. #56
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    Quote Originally Posted by pajamajam View Post
    I bet I would have figured that out if I'd looked at your location. XD If you need someone to proofread, I bet there's a lot of people who are willing.
    Yeah, I'll look for help, even my english sucking you guys don't deserve to read a kids text xD

  7. #57
    Fenn
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    Grammar Edit:

    Quote Originally Posted by Tanatos View Post
    The rise

    Long painful years of torture and oppression. A common story, repeated over and over again. And here we are, telling that story, waiting for a hero, waiting for a chance to fight, to escape, to change the tides of our fate.
    It will end tonight. One way or the other. It will finally end. Here we are on the woods outside the main castle. All the workers, I mean, all the slaves of the empire. Holding their tools as weapons, weapons crying for freedom, crying for a chance. The night covers our heresy, the cold warm our hate, and here we are planning.
    After a few minutes of discussion the old man of our newly-formed ‘militia’ said loud to all of us:
    -Lend an ear to the old man who talks to you. Tonight! Tonight we’ll strike the oppressor in his own home, into his heart, and may our sacrifice spread through the wind. May our brothers and sisters hear our call. We shall tremble the very base of the demon!
    Everywhere people were cheering, dancing, hugging and kissing their families, for the last time. All the ‘soldiers’, I almost don’t dare call them like that, were ready to attack. I was on the front lines, sixteen years old and going as the ‘flag man’. Such a young soldier holding such an enormous responsibility. I was glad with my duty, I was in front, I was supposed to be the first to die, quickly. But, oh, how wonderful is the ability of fate to change itself...

    It's here! =D
    Up until the last chapter it was fairly generic. But the last paragraph chilled me--in a good way. The narrator, 16 years old, the flag man? To be in his shoes, holy smokes. I don't know if I'd have the heart...then again, you made it clear how much he and his people have been through. When he said "I was glad with my duty, I was in front, I was supposed to be the first to die, quickly," that's where the chill hit me. He was excited! And what is his final fate? How does he survive? Wow, I like it.

    I'd probably remove the emoticon though. Just a personal preference.

  8. #58
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fenn View Post
    Grammar Edit:



    Up until the last chapter it was fairly generic. But the last paragraph chilled me--in a good way. The narrator, 16 years old, the flag man? To be in his shoes, holy smokes. I don't know if I'd have the heart...then again, you made it clear how much he and his people have been through. When he said "I was glad with my duty, I was in front, I was supposed to be the first to die, quickly," that's where the chill hit me. He was excited! And what is his final fate? How does he survive? Wow, I like it.

    I'd probably remove the emoticon though. Just a personal preference.
    Oh, thanks Fenn, I'm happy my history pleased you, thanks for the grammar correction =]

    And about his fate... Well, for now that's a secret ;]

    And sory for the emoticon, It's becoming an addiction D:

  9. #59
    Fenn
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tanatos View Post
    Oh, thanks Fenn, I'm happy my history pleased you, thanks for the grammar correction =]

    And about his fate... Well, for now that's a secret ;]

    And sory for the emoticon, It's becoming an addiction D:
    [badpun] I'm about to emoticon-vict you in a second! [/badpun]

    Seriously I'm dying for the next part. But for now...

    The next person may post.

  10. #60
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    By the way Fenn, I thought of a new rule we could add since most people don't really post if they aren't assigned to. So I thought we could assign for someone to write a short story if three days go by without a story.

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