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Thread: Comic Script: Chapter 1 | Critque wanted

  1. #1
    101 Dalmations Member Alexander_Hamilton's Avatar
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    Comic Script: Chapter 1 | Critque wanted

    All right, I've got me the first part of a comic script. It is a fantasy with fairy tale-ish influences. Advice would be greatly appreciated.


    CASTLE COURTYARD

    Two young men stand facing one another, swords in hand. The
    first is JULEN: a young, white, rather effeminate looking
    teenage boy whose cringing posture suggests he isn't the
    very pleased with the current situation. The second is
    DELROY: tall, black, and about the same age, and in a much
    more confident in his deportment.

    DELROY
    Ready?

    JULEN
    Y-yes.

    Delroy lunges forward. Julen barely parries Delroy's strike,
    staggering backwards. Julen pulls further away to avoid the
    second slash, but trips and falls backwards.

    He lays on the ground, eyes closed and arms pulled up to
    protect his face. The tip of Delroy's sword smacks him
    gently in the center of the forehead, and Julen opens his
    eyes.

    DELROY
    I love you Julen, but I have to say
    that your performance was...not
    very good.

    Julen sits up, massaging his forehead. He is blushing in
    embarrassment, and smiling sheepishly.

    JULEN
    That was rather terrible, wasn't
    it?

    DELROY
    I dare not use such demeaning
    language towards my honorable
    prince.
    But yes. It was.

    JULEN
    (As Delroy helps him to his
    feet)
    Oh, I'm sorry. I just-

    DELROY
    I know, I know. It's fine.

    Julen's expression grows more serious.

    JULEN
    (Examining his sword,
    discouraged)
    I'll never manage to wield a weapon
    with much skill...Any skill.

    DELROY
    That's probably true. I doubt any
    amount of training will chance
    that.

    JULEN
    Delroy-

    Delroy puts his hands on Julen's shoulders.

    DELROY
    You're gentle and sweet and
    harmless. You've always been this
    way, and it's why I love you so
    much.
    Soldiery is not in your nature,
    Julen. And you have no reason to be
    ashamed of that.

    Julen bows his head.

    JULEN
    I already know that...but...

    Julen trails off, looking over Delroy's shoulder at a
    perched crow.

    DELROY
    What is it?

    Delroy turns and follows Julen's gaze.

    JULEN
    I'd swear that bird has been
    watching us.

    DELROY
    (Amused)
    Well, they are very clever animals.
    Perhaps he is hoping for a treat.

    Julen frowns at the crow, fiddling with his fingers. The
    crow does appear to be watching them intently.

    JULEN
    It doesn't seem...strange to you?

    DELROY
    (Teasing)
    Crows and ravens are the preferred
    servants of demons, you know. They
    are sent from the Black Valley to
    spy and act as messengers.

    JULEN
    Is that true? Do you...Do you think
    it could be one?

    Delroy raps his knuckles on the center of Julen's forehead,
    indicating where the sword had swatted him earlier.

    DELROY
    What has brought this on? Did I hit
    you too hard before? You're being
    very silly.

    JULEN
    (Pushing the hand away)
    It struck me as unusual, that is
    all. But-

    BAKKAR
    Julen.

    King Bakkar walks into the courtyard. He's a tall,
    intimidating man, with a stern expression.

    Julen and Delroy immediately step away from one another,
    bowing to their king.

    JULEN
    Father-

    BAKKAR
    If you're not going to use this
    time for actual training, then come
    with me.

    Julen glances guiltily back at Delroy, and follows his
    father towards the entrance to the castle.

    The crow, still perched nearby, watching the pair until they
    go inside. Once they are gone, it flies aware.

    INSIDE THE CASTLE

    They walk together, Bakkar leading and Julen following
    after, having a bit of a hard time keeping up.

    BAKKAR
    You're taking those lessons to
    learn proper swordsmanship, not to
    flirt with your instructor.

    JULEN
    (Blushing)
    I was not-that is-

    BAKKAR
    Delroy should not be sacrificing
    his duties as a guard for nothing.
    You will have a proper, serious
    instructor.

    JULEN
    But-but Delroy is a good teacher,
    and it helps that we know
    eachother so well. I really was
    training until just before you
    arrived. And I do not think
    changing to new instructor could be
    much help.

    They reach the door to their destination: a meeting room.

    BAKKAR
    ...No. I suppose it wouldn't.

    Julen cringes at the statement, touching the vague red mark
    on his forehead. Guards open the door to the chamber, where
    several men and women are seated around a table. They stand,
    bows are exchanged, and Bakkar and Julen take their seats.

    COUNCILMAN A
    The situation in Hartlayne has
    escalated, your Majesty. A small
    skirmish broke out.

    BAKKAR
    Was our Lady Alana victorious?

    COUNCILWOMAN B
    It seems that neither side was.

    The council woman hands Bakkar several pages of letters,
    which he scrutinises. Julen continues to watch and listen
    quietly.

    COUNCILMAN A
    This must be handled with care.
    Hartlayne is a valuable town, but
    if Lady Alana is too hasty to
    obtain it she could draw the wrath
    of the entire Lanhaim Kingdom down
    on us.

    BAKKAR
    One of our least influential ladies
    is clashing with one of their least
    powerful lords over the border of a
    modest sized piece of land. It is
    in their interests to avoid a war
    over triviality.

    COUNCILWOMAN B
    The same could be said of us.

    BAKKAR
    Yes, but we have greater spirit.
    Apply the correct amount of
    pressure to the correct places, and
    Hartlayne will be ours without any
    escalation.

    COUNCILWOMAN B
    A dangerous game, but such a
    strategic spot on the White River
    might be worth a bit of risk.

    COUNCILMAN A
    If the worst happens, we can
    distance ourselves from Lady Alana
    and let the chips fall where they
    may.

    BAKKAR
    Julen.

    Julen looks at his father, startled.

    BAKKAR
    Tell us your thoughts.

    Julen squirms in his seat, reluctant.

    JULEN
    ...I suppose...It just seems
    that...

    BAKKAR
    Well?

    JULEN
    Hartlayne does belong to Lanhaim,
    does it not?

    The only response is blank stares.

    JULEN
    Of course, I may be recalling my
    geography and history incorrectly.
    It is an area in dispute. But...if
    they do have it now, it seems, to
    me, that it might be better to
    leave it be. Leading men to perhaps
    die in battle over a small-

    BAKKAR
    Enough.

    Bakkar outshis hand to his forehead, radiating displeasure.
    All over the council members look away from the scene,
    uncomfortable. Julen stares intently down at the floor.

    BAKKAR
    This meeting is over for today.

    The council members get up, pay their respects, and exist
    the room, leaving Julen and his father alone.

    BAKKAR
    Do you know what happened to your
    step-mother last night?

    JULEN
    She said that she'd been ill?

    BAKKAR
    A miscarriage.

    JULEN
    What?! I-I had no idea that she
    was-

    BAKKAR
    Kyra chose to keep it secret from
    all but me and the physicians. Gods
    know she did not want to endure
    losing a child before all the eyes
    of the kingdom. Again.

    Julen's eyes are suffused with tears, while Bakkar is tense
    with barely controlled emotion. Uncertain, Julen reaches out
    a hand to put on his father's shoulder, but Bakkar bats it
    away and gets to his feet. He paces back and forth as he
    speaks.

    BAKKAR
    I am not telling you this because I
    need comfort. Not that type of
    comfort.
    You know what this means, don't
    you?

    He pauses and looks at Julen, half expecting a response, but
    Julen does not know what to say.

    BAKKAR
    It means that it is almost certain
    that you will be and my only heir.
    As much as I wish it not to be so,
    it is unlikely to the extreme that
    Kyra will bare a healthy child.
    And you, the one who will be
    entrusted with the entire kingdom
    after my death, are utterly unfit
    for the task.

    Julen looks away, tears beginning to gather at the corner of
    his eyes.

    BAKKAR
    Look at me when I talk to you.

    Julen does so, reluctantly.

    BAKKAR
    I am entirely serious when I say I
    have seen children half your age
    with twice as much courage and
    decisiveness. The life of a king is
    a life of a warrior. A leader. You
    are more suited to the occupation
    of nursemaid.
    Gods know how you got this way.
    Perhaps it is my own fault. I left
    you to your mother, who taught you
    this excessive softness.

    Julen cries, covering his face with his hands.

    BAKKAR
    I am at my wit's end with you! No
    more weeping.

    Bakkar grabs Julen by his arms and drags the startled boy to
    his feet.

    BAKKAR
    You're going to be a king! Act like
    one!

    Bakkar gives Julen several furious shakes, and shoves him
    away and onto the floor.

    Julen sits there for a moment, shocked and miserable. Then,
    he gets to his feet and flees the room.

    Bakkar sighs and sinks into his chair.

    KING'S CHAMBERS

    Still tense from his previous altercation, Bakkar returns to
    his chambers. Queen Kyra is lying across the bed, an arm
    over her eyes. Bakkar goes to her, sitting on the edge of
    the bed.

    BAKKAR
    How are you feeling?

    Kyra removes her arm to look at him. She appears drained,
    but calm.

    KYRA
    Just tired.

    BAKKAR
    Do you need anything?

    KYRA
    No, nothing. I just need to rest
    here a little while longer.

    BAKKAR
    Of course.

    Bakkar stands.

    BAKKAR
    I will be in my study, if you need
    anything.

    KYRA
    Bakkar?

    BAKKAR
    Yes?

    KYRA
    I'm sorry.

    Bakkar hesitates, then walks to the door of his private
    study. He reaches for the doorknob, but stop short. Strange
    rustling noises are coming from within. He frowns.

    BAKKAR
    Is the study being cleaned? I told
    the servants not to without asking.

    Kyra sits up.

    KYRA
    No. No one has been in there.

    Bakkar readies himself, takes a deep breath, and throws open
    the door.

    BAKKAR
    Who's-?!

    A small, dark shape flies out of the open window, just as
    Bakkar enters. There is no one in the room.

    Sitting on the center of Bakkar's desk is a letter. The
    wax seal depicts a pair of ram horns and protruding from a
    crown. Next to it is a single black feather.

  2. #2
    Regular Member
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    This is good, I like it. Each character has a distinct style to their dialogue and it flows well.

    One little thing - Bakkar repeats the phrase 'you need anything' in the final scene - a minor issue, but it might look weird on the actual page depending on the typesetting.

    Anyway, this is rather good - my advice is to keep it going =)

  3. #3
    101 Dalmations Member Alexander_Hamilton's Avatar
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    Thank you very much. I'll work on it. sorry for the random typos and edit-failures.

    Any more thoughts/advice/criticism?

  4. #4
    Fifty Fifty Member Evil_Cake's Avatar
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    dont really like julen but would like to find out what happens next

  5. #5
    Fifty Fifty Member Bacon_Barbarian's Avatar
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    Delroy's speach patterns seem ... odd. They would make sense in a formal setting or in a written paper, but for the most part he's being playful. I guess what Im trying to say is that his vernacular and actions dont mix. I also find it odd that there are ownly two council members putting in, well, imput.

    Other then that, I think this looks very promising.
    My AA thread - Updated 06/28/14

    Quote Originally Posted by Celestial-Fox View Post
    You're my favorite.

  6. #6
    101 Dalmations Member Alexander_Hamilton's Avatar
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    Thanks for the input, guys. (Sorry for the delay in saying that.)

  7. #7
    I. Frakkin'. Love. It.

    Your narration style really had me eating up every word. The story also flows very nicely; you made it clear who the main character is, you set up the setting, conflicts, etc, you introduced and fleshed out the other characters...wow. Great intro chapter.

    Hey, have you ever read the manga Vinland Saga? Julen reminds me of the prince that is a total wuss, but ends up turning into a cold-hearted bad ass. I don't know if you need it, but that manga would work wonders as a reference. Sorry, just had to put that out there lol.

    -J

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