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Thread: +Judgement+

  1. #1
    Regular Member M3S1H's Avatar
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    +Judgement+

    'Mmmmkay, so I have a week to finals, and then I'll leap right into Summer. So, as I was sitting in class today, I thought about improving some of my manga. Now there is one thing you should know - out of every manga idea I created, two are sequels to another one. Now, out of these three, I believe the first is 'good', the second is 'okay', and the third is my best manga idea. The sad part is, I didn't pay much attention to the antagonists in this. I know it's probably standard to introduce a sub-antagonist or a rival in the first few chapters, and the 'real' villain about four or five chapters in. Remember, this is still under development, but I expect most people to show me flaws - meaning I don't want too many comments on the positive views of the manga, however I will appreciate it greatly if someone tells me if I'm taking the right path or not. So, without further delay, here's some info on my wretched manga, '+Judgement+':

    Main characters:

    THE PROTAGONISTS:
    -Sai:
    A failed clone of the best fighter that has ever lived. Sai is not deformed, but just average - so most of the people studying him found no use in him. Sai has a hatred for humanity that cannot be quenched. After slaughtering a mass of people, he decides he will become an 'anti-human', and end humanity.

    -Pibo:
    A robot programmed with destructive capabilities. To protect this from falling into the wrong hands, the programmers decided to tell Pibo to follow the commands of anyone who tells it what is was not capable of not doing - something only the programmers believed they knew. Sai found Pibo in a wreck site, and abruptly told it that it cannot feel emotions. This awoke Pibo, and he became Sai's first companion.

    -Death:
    A small skeleton with a black cloak and huge eye-sockets. He was carved out of Sai's soul and separated from Sai after Sai felt anger for the first time. Since Death is a chip of Sai's soul, Sai is able to use him as a doll whenever he feels necessary.

    -Arche:
    The only human Sai feels sympathy for. Arche was a defenseless orphan living on the streets. When Sai caught sight of him, he understood that he wasn't living - he was just surviving. Sai felt it necessary to have Arche live a good life before death, and took him under his wing. (Arche is actually Nakala in disguise.)

    THE ANTAGONISTS:

    -Fear:
    Fear is one of the three plague-creatures. Fear has no shape, and usually takes the shape of a pitch-black humanoid. Fear is able to transport to places where someone or something feels paranoia, insanity, or fear.

    -Anger:
    Anger is one of the three plague-creatures. Anger appears as a short and scrawny body hidden behind red and black armor. As anyone in a mile's range grow in hatred, rage, and anger, Anger's body will become more masculine, and he will be able to move faster.

    -Misery:
    Misery is one of the three plague-creatures. Misery appears as a thin creature with masculine arms, and a purple mask. When people feel sadness, denial, or misery, Misery's body will start growing spikes, which will render most melee attacks useless against him.

    -Nakala:
    Another failed test to revive the world's best fighter. Nakala failed to become the world's best fighter, but was able to mimic anything he thinks of. Nakala dons the disguise of Arche to infiltrate Sai's forces.

    -Perfect Ryan:
    After many tests, the world's best fighter was cloned perfectly. Perfect Ryan is several times stronger than Sai, and claims he fights to defend humanity, when he is actually slowly destroying it by taking control of the three plague creatures. Perfect Ryan plans to take out all 400 of the failed duplicates before turning on humanity.

    (Note: As the story progresses, Sai finds out Perfect's plan, and decides he must take responsibility for that which cannot defend itself - humanity. After this, Sai confronts Perfect and the final battle of the manga begins.)

    So that's pretty much it. I'm going to add supporting characters soon, but I just want criticism on the characters and the plot. All criticism will be appreciated. Thanks.
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  2. #2
    Super Senior Member Celestial-Fox's Avatar
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    I suppose the big question I'll ask now is where do their motives come from? I understand that each of them are butting heads out of anger, but not everyone who is simply angry turns against all of humanity. What makes these characters different?

    Also, what is the setting of the story like?

  3. #3
    Three Trio Tres Member BozeSG's Avatar
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    -Like your idea, but i'll get straight to the point like you wanted, the main antagonist and his relation with the main char is a bit too simple for my taste and although i know that you probably have thought about it already, but you didn't present any reason as to why Sai, who wants to destroy humanity, is protecting it...
    -Fear, Anger and Misery are not antagonists themselves because they don't have a complete will of their own and without them, you'll have a serious lack of "bad guys", which might at some point render Pibo and Death useless... but then again you might have another scenario in your mind that is different from my impressions so if you do, then ignore this...
    -Even if you have another scenario, the balance between the weight of personalities of antagonists and protagonists is off... try getting a few more antagonists involved in high scale and improve perfect's personality or past...
    -Another thing i can think of which is lacking is a basic setting, try to think more about the world you want to have the story in and make it interesting, a unique setting defines a manga's originality and interestingness...
    -Try to think about the time line in the story (like what happens when or etc.)

    I'm not a professional critique of stories so what i said might as well have been complete bullshit, but i hope i helped with something.
    anyway, you're on the right track and your story has many interesting parts, it's just a matter of time for it to become really good so keep it up! oh, and don't think much about what should happen in a normal manga, it doesn't matter when you introduce who as long as it stays interesting... so just try to introduce people whenever you feel it's the right time...

  4. #4
    Regular Member M3S1H's Avatar
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    @CelestialFox
    You have a good point there, but I guess that's something that's explained through the plot. It's supposed to be more toward the fact that Sai was born that way, and that it tugs away at his mind. I guess you could say it's kind of like a hunger for him. As for the turning point in Sai's personality, I'm thinking he either starts to feel for people as he did for Arche, or he realizes his mistake and his hunger for murder is quenched. The setting changes throughout the story, but it keeps the same feel: High-tech locations, gloomy atmospheres with occasional sunny days, and the date is sometime in the near future.

    @BozeSG
    Wow. That was exactly the critique I needed, but I guess I can make some explanations.
    1)Yeah, it is a bit simple, but I guess that's just a taste...which means I have no explanation for it :X.
    2)That's true, actually. Fear, Anger, and Misery are more like mindless beings, and they don't provide the role for huge antagonists. I'm considering adding a group of elites as well, mainly to serve as semi-supporting and semi-main villains. As for Pibo and Death...I didn't want to write it because it sounds cheesy, but Pibo is able to fuse with Sai's body, and Death with his soul. (I told you it was cheesy.)
    3)I guess that kind of mixes with #2, but you're still right, I need to have more people included and show more of Perfect's past as time progresses, as well as make him more interesting.
    4 and 5) The setting will change constantly, as Sai is usually moving from city to city, but the timeline is somewhere in the near future.
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  5. #5
    Three Trio Tres Member BozeSG's Avatar
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    Hmm... by time line i mean the order of things happening, eg.when is sai going to meet perfect, is he going to team up with pibo first or with death or with arche... things like that, if you have the time line in your mind, adding things to the story is going to be much easier...

  6. #6
    Regular Member M3S1H's Avatar
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    @BozeSG
    Well, the chronologic order goes something like this:
    Sai is born, then outcasted, and he learns to live on his own. After 47 (Nakala is the 52st failure, Sai is the fourth.) more failures, Nakala is born, and placed in an environment where the scientists can observe him. After 398 more attempts, Perfect is created, (He's the 401st test subject.) and he is sheltered by the scientists. Many years later, Sai realizes that he lusts to see blood, and Perfect is trained enough to protect everywhere from any threat. After 15 years of holding back his want to kill, Sai unleashes his rage and slaughters a village, and finds a small robot called Pibo. Sai tells Pibo what he is incapable of doing, and Pibo starts to obey Sai. Meanwhile, Perfect meets Nakala, and they become friends. The scientists inform Perfect of his duty to protect citizens from danger, and while Perfect agrees to do this, he is secretly plotting to erase every test subject before him, with the exception of Nakala. As Perfect sets out into civilization, he accidentally runs into Sai, and tries to murder him. Sai fakes his death, and is left with an extremely wounded body. Nakala notices that Sai faked his death, but he doesn't say a word as he wants to create 'an interesting game.' As Sai layed on the floor, he felt anger for the first time. This caused Death to separate from Sai's soul, and obey his every command. After a few days, Sai is back on his feet and decides that he is addicted to killing and he needs to stop, but his addiction takes over and he kills off another village, only leaving a small boy named Arche behind, who is actually Nakala in disguise. As the night comes to a close, Sai feels the hunger to kill again, and decides to kill Arche, who is nowhere to be found. Sai immediately feels sad for the decision he was about to make, and thinks that it was good that Arche was nowhere near him. The next day, Sai discovers that his want for murder increases every day, and that he wants to see the world full of dead corpses. As Sai tries to grab a hold of himself, Arche appears and Sai feels as if he doesn't want to kill anymore, and feels a fear that if Arche is anywhere near him, he will die. At that moment, Sai started to glow, and a large piece of gunk appeared in front of him. Sai decided that it wasn't human, so it was okay to kill it. As Sai started to fight it, it split into three oddly shaped pieces, and vanished. Sai stood confused, and Death tells him that when he was chipped off from his soul, a passage was formed from Sai's soul to the world, and if he was to feel any negative emotions before the portal closed, they would come together right before the portal closes and take on whatever shape they were given, and they would become plague-creatures. One week later, Sai is hell-bent on murdering any human he comes into contact with,and has discovered that he can fuse his body with Pibo, and his soul with Death. Meanwhile, Nakala reports to Perfect, telling him that Sai faked his death, and that he was slaughtering humans. Perfect tells Nakala that he wants the human race to end so that he can start a new breed of superior lifeforms, and that letting Sai do most of his dirty work would save him the troubles of murder. Nakala is shocked at first, but then decides that doing so is the best. Nakala also informs Perfect of the three plague creatures. Perfect tells Nakala that those three plague-creatures scattered around the world to cause whatever emotion they were formed of, and that they can be tamed by anyone who doesn't share the emotion that they spread. Perfect decides to look for them, while Nakala goes back into disguise. Several weeks later, Sai has killed thirty thousand people, and has lost his conscience. Meanwhile, Perfect has killed fifty failed test subjects, and has complete control of Anger and Misery, but he failed to find Fear. Before Sai kills one more person, Fear appears and impales the person Sai was about to kill. Sai fights with Fear, but Fear vanishes, and reappears in front of Perfect. Perfect takes control over Fear, and sends them to injure, but not kill Sai. Three weeks later Sai is confronted by them, and fuses with Death so he is able to raise his strength incredibly. After Sai injures Anger and Fear, he is confronted by Misery who begins to beat him up. Sai unattaches Death from his soul, calls Pibo to his side, and fuses with him to have more defense. Sai begins to hurt Misery, and right before he finishes him off, Anger and Fear slice Sai's arms just enough so that they don't fall off. The three are brought back to Perfect. Sai decides that to get stronger, he must train, so he commands Death to act as a soul, and Pibo to act as a body so that he has someone to face. Sai loses to Death and Pibo, and tries again. Two months later Sai is fighting Pibo and Death, and finally defeats them. By this time, Perfect has taken down 100 failed experiments and Sai's body-count is 500,000. Arche applauds Sai for beating Death and Pibo as night falls. Sai cannot fall asleep and hears a sound. Curious, Sai follow the sound to see Arche. As Arche leaves the house, Sai follows. Arche arrives to where Perfect is located, and he transforms back into Nakala. As Sai realizes he is betrayed, his conscience starts to reappear. After hearing about Sai doing Perfect's dirty work, Sai decides to stop killing. (I stretched this out too long, so I'll skip straight to the end.) Two years later: Fear, Misery, and Anger have died, Pibo and Death have grown in physique and have developed emotions and their own free will, Perfect's *group of elite humans are dead, and Perfect has killed every failed experiment besides Sai and Nakala. Sai appears in front of Perfect and initiates a fight. Perfect responds quickly, but Sai punches him. Perfect tells Sai that he cannot defeat the best fighter that has ever lived, and Sai responds by saying that to defeat the best fighter, you must become him. Perfect laughs this off, and Sai lunges towards him. Perfect is knocked back, and begins to radiate. Sai flies back because of the radiation, and is quickly beat up by Perfect. Before Perfect leaves the scene, Sai fuses with Pibo and Death simultaneously, and rushes towards Perfect. Perfect flies back, yet again, and begins to bleed. Sai stands up, looking completely fine, and he rushes towards Perfect again. Perfect loses his grip on the battle, and is fatally wounded. Sai walks up to Perfect and calls him a monster for trying to end humanity. Perfect grins and states that he never killed a single human, and that Sai killed 500,000 of them. Sai feels sad for a second, and Perfect takes this chance to attack him. Pibo and Death are knocked out of Sai, and without realizing what he was doing, Sai lunges towards Perfect. He is thrown back, and coughs out blood. Perfect looks down at Sai, and tells him that this is his end. Sai tells him that legends never end, and he commands Pibo to blow up. Pibo is reluctant, but Death convinces him it is for the better part of humanity. Perfect's eyes grow wide, and Pibo explodes, destroying the surrounding city. Over the waste, we see Death and Sai's bodies, and Pibo's remains. Sai is revealed to be alive, and he mourns over the death of Pibo and Death. Just then, the sky turns blue and the sun shines brightly. Sai looks down at Pibo and Death before walking away with a large smile on his face, thinking that while Pibo and Death were sacrificed, the world was saved.

    *I didn't include this group of Elite humans, but they're basically like a council that discusses things with Perfect.

    (Maybe I wrote too much, but I have a fever, and whenever I have a fever I write even more than I usually do, which is somewhat long.)
    Last edited by M3S1H; 05-28-2011 at 10:13 AM.
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  7. #7
    Super Senior Member Delphinus's Avatar
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    Wouldn't it make more sense to do the manga and then ask for critiques rather than asking for greenlighting on a synopsis?
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  8. #8
    Regular Member M3S1H's Avatar
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    @Delphinus
    Yeah, it would. I'm just too lazy to draw the whole thing out right now.
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  9. #9
    Three Trio Tres Member BozeSG's Avatar
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    well, if you have thought about it that much, then the only thing i can say is :good luck, whenever you want to draw it, draw it and it will automatically become more interesting cause you'll find things to add to the story as you progress...

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