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Thread: Something retarded [foul language ahead]

  1. #1

    Something retarded [foul language ahead]

    Yeah. I just got to this point in my story, and I am so happy. Can't you tell how happy I am by my lack of emotes and punctuation? Yeah. Anyway, this is what is currently happening.

    Blitz accidentally busted into Hell, like a retard. He met some Demons who wanted to, well, have him for dinner. He refused (duh) and ended up fighting them in a seven-on-one fight. Naturally, Blitz lost and ended up hanging upside down.

    And this is the part where I stop breaking the fourth wall, and where the actual excerpt begins. Enjoy. Or don't. I don't care all that much.

    Oh, and there are a lot of F-bombs ahead. If you're too young to read a curse word, don't read this. You have been warned.

    ------------

    “Demons are fucked up,” Blitz managed to mutter from behind the thick layer of something-similar-to-tape. Both Cheri and (some random male Demon) grinned from ear to ear as they continued to tie the pink haired boy up. He watched, mildly interested, as they both did so without a bit of fucking remorse. Knocking someone out from behind during a seven-on-one fight must have been how Demons said hello, or some stupid bullshit like that. Tying someone up and slapping some adhesive shit over his/her face must have been a formal greeting as well. Blitz wasn't afraid. He was just irritated, and mildly surprised. He suspected the denizens of Hell to be, well, ruthless and cruel, but this was just too much irony. He couldn't handle all the fucking irony.

    “Should we cook him in our pot?” asked the male Demon with a sick cackle. Cheri shook her head and leaned against her staff. “We should grill him over a pit of open fire and turn him counter-clockwise every few minutes,” she replied with an even sicker cackle. Blitz rolled his eyes while they spoke. Cheri whacked him with her staff as punishment. “Don't roll your hideous human eyes at me,” she ordered, “or I'll remove them.” - “Go ahead and try,” Blitz mumbled as best he could, “I bet that's how demons get their sick kicks. Are eye-balls an aphrodisiac to you horned fuckheads?” Blitz couldn't help but grin. Both Cheri and the male Demon seemed gradually upset. His goal was accomplished. “Hurry up and choose how you're going to cook me already,” he spat, “I want to know how awesome I smell once my skin is set ablaze by some sick fires.” Since he was hanging upside down, it was easy for Cheri to grasp his pink locks and yank them as hard as she could. Blitz just turned to glare at her. If his mouth wasn't covered, he would have grinned for good measure. “Shut the fuck up,” spat the female Demon, “we're deciding on what to do.” - “I suggest your idea,” Blitz then said, “I'm a sucker for barbeque.” - “Is that some-sort of human sarcasm?” asked Cheri. Blitz shrugged his shoulders. “Could be,” he answered. Cheri slapped him with her staff out of irritation, but then smirked. She leaned in close to his face and opened her mouth; her long tongue slid up his cheek and over his left eye. “You're going to taste DELICIOUS,” she said while managing an extremely alluring (but fake) moan, “it's a shame you won't be around for the buffet.” - “Yup,” Blitz replied as he blinked his left eye a few times, “but while I'm still dangling here like a fucking possum, how about no more pre-tasting?” - “Deal,” smirked Cheri. The pinku took notice of her shark-like teeth and wrote a mental note: don't joke about being dinner TOO seriously.

    More Demons arrived once Cheri and the other guy managed to spread the word. Blitz couldn't see all that well, but he managed to count seven in total. That including Cheri and her friend, of course. The pink haired male was granted the liberty to speak once another female Demon approached him and removed the tape-like substance from over his mouth. “Fuck,” was the first thing he said, “you're gorgeous.” - “Such a sweetheart,” cooed the Demon, “I wonder if you'll taste as sweet.” Blitz joined in on her malicious/seductive chuckle. “Only one way to find out, right?” he asked. The female Demon flashed him what he thought was a flirtatious smirk. She then turned toward Cheri, who was behind her preparing the fire with another male Demon. “Cheri,” she shouted loud enough for her to hear over the growing fire, “can we leave this human's head for last? I find him incredibly...handsome.” The flirtatious demon turned to flash another smirk at Blitz, who winked in response. “Why not stick a fucking rope through my eye and wear me like some exotic necklace?” he suggested. The female Demon clasped her hands together in genuine excitement. “No way, human boy!” shouted Cheri from behind the roaring fire, “I'm saving that head of yours for dessert!” The flirtatious Demon (we'll call her “Amaru' for now) puffed out her cheeks and pouted like a little kid. Blitz couldn't help but laugh. “Sorry,” he said with shrugged shoulders, “might as well get a taste in before that chick has my head on a platter.” Amaru gripped some of his hair and leaned in to inhale some of his scent. She exhaled dangerously close to his parted lips. “I'd rather wear you like a trophy,” she whispered into his ear as she pulled away. She licked her luscious lips once before leaving to join a smaller group of Demons. Blitz's demeanor suddenly dropped. He looked worried. “I think I'm in big trouble,” he said to himself.

    “You got that right,” said a younger Demon. He looked like a kindergartener. Blitz glanced over at him with mild interest. “Holy fucking shit on a stick,” he said nonchalantly, “even the kids are joining in on this feast?” - “I'm probably older than you,” replied the horned child, “so shut the fuck up. The food isn't supposed to talk.” Blitz shrugged his shoulders once more.
    Last edited by Distorted_Dirk; 05-12-2011 at 12:46 AM.

  2. #2
    101 Dalmations Member Alexander_Hamilton's Avatar
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    Interesting premise, but the actual scene feels rather tedious. The problem is that nothing s actually happening. It's just a bunch of characters being snarky and sarcastic. Because that's how everyone is behaving, it makes the characters feel rather similar. It's more like the setup to a scene than a scene in and of itself. Also, Blitz's lack of concern over his situation makes makes it harder for us to worry and sympathize with hm. If he was really funny that might be okay, but right now he is just annoying. As read this, I think "Stab hm or set hm on fire and be done with it."

  3. #3
    Nothing is supposed to happen in this scene. Its the scene right before the introduction to my major demon cast--of course no-one would know this because I didn't explain that (oh well). As for everyone being sarcastic--no, they aren't. They really are planning on eating Blitz. As for how Blitz is acting, it's complicated. He's complicated. He is extremely concerned about the situation--he just isn't showing it because that's how he is. Showing weakness or concern about anything is a "no-no" in his book, so he's typically indifferent and blase about most things (whenever he isnt yelling or being a total jerk). And Blitz isn't a funny character--he isn't meant to be. The scene is supposed to be funny in a "not funny" way. That's the joke.

    but thanks for your opinions. It helps.

  4. #4
    101 Dalmations Member Alexander_Hamilton's Avatar
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    I meant tone of most of the dialogue when I was referring to sarcasm; I know the meant to eat him. Everyone is being snarky.

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