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Thread: Short piece of writing

  1. #1
    One Thousand Member butternut's Avatar
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    Short piece of writing

    So, I found this incomplete story(?) I wrote few years ago. I wanted to draw it out into a manga.

    Prologue
    SPOILER! :
    Long long ago, when no one could remember, the world was going haywire. It was the time of sorcerers, magicians, witches, fairies and all. One powerful sorcerer thought that there should be order in the world. So, with magic, he captured the major elements in 4 objects— 1. An arrow which just killed somebody in a war (hence death captured), 2. A metal rod which caught lightning just at that time (hence atmospheric elements captured), 3. A golden heart shaped locket given to a loved one by a dying person (hence love captured), 4. He made a small star shaped locket using the dust
    of in a small lamplight and used it to store knowledge (hence contains the ‘guiding light’ and knowledge captured). The elements were too powerful to handle, so when he had the power to, he made them to choose the children they wanted to be controlled by. (Basically he didn’t have enough power to force them into the people he wanted. So he let the powers themselves choose, which was fine because it worked perfectly when the power and user had maximum affinity.) (Children, because they are pure, unlike adults. Besides they have more time on earth than, say, a 35-40 year old.) He kept the locket with himself, and they had maximum affinity too and he was like the group’s leader. Because of the powers, they had a longer life-span. They lived secretly in their ‘hide-out’ and had almost no friends except themselves (everyone they knew died long time ago). The guy now is the last one left in his gang. All others died, then he could control all 4 powers for a few months before they got transferred to (Kyle, Shea, Mike and Tanya).


    The actual story:
    SPOILER! :
    The sun rose all bright and sunny beginning another usual day for the town of Uberorte. People getting ready for morning exercises, some of them going for jogging and some just waking up were a common sight. It was just another routine day for the people of the sleepy little town except for four people...youngsters...who have no clue as to what is in store for them...

    “Wake up! Time for school!” a gruff voice called from outside the door. Kyle woke up with a start. He had not slept properly at all that night! And he had a math test first thing in the morning. He had bizarre dreams consisting of fiery arrows flying everywhere. He felt as if his eyes and hands, especially his wrists were burning very badly, but now he had to rush to school as he was already late.

    He went to the bathroom to find a sleepy handsome face in the mirror. His black, normally sleek and straight hair was all untidy and askew now. His jet black eyes craved for more sleep. He raised his hands to wash his face and found two black arrow-like burn marks staring at him. He was shocked and confused and didn’t know what to do. But just then, he heard the same voice calling-“Break-fast’s ready!” So he hurried and got ready for school. He would look after those burns or whatever later when he had the time to. For now he just hid them with by wearing wrist bands which covered them very well, and didn't look so bad or suspicious.

    Kyle ran to school and reached his classroom just in time. Some of his classmates called out to him to say ‘Hi!’, or generally wish him. Just then, Mr. Bill, his math teacher came before he could reply and the class fell in order. Kyle wished everyone good luck and sat down thinking he needed a lot of luck for this exam. He hadn’t even slept properly and was feeling slightly dizzy. He stared down at the question paper. The teacher was calling out the usual instructions—“You will have 1 hour to complete the paper which comprises of 10 questions. And yes, no talking, whispering, cheating.....”

    Kyle saw the first question—it was all right. He could solve it. The second one was slightly difficult, but it was ok. But the paper kept getting difficult. He was sure he would flunk it. After sometime, he started feeling sick. He at first dismissed it as nervousness, but it kept getting worse and his wrists also started burning like hell. That’s it! He could no longer bear it. He had to go to the nurse’s office and if he had better chance, he could even bunk school and miss the test. So he excused himself and went to the sick room. There the nurse commented—“Gee, today is a sick day!! Everyone’s getting ill at the same time!” And sure enough, he found four others in the sick room. He recognised Timmy from his own class who fainted at the beginning of the test and there were three others who he didn’t know, but saw them at the cafeteria. Those three had the same symptoms of sick feeling and burning sensations—but in other parts of the body. When the nurse asked him what the matter was, he replied that he just needed some rest.

    When the door shut, two of them who seemed like classmates started talking. The third one joined in the conversation. She introduced herself as Tanya and Kyle found that she was two years junior to him. The other two introduced themselves as Mike and Shea, and they were a year younger to him. Then he heard Shea’s voice call,”Hi! Are you from the 8th grade? I had seen you with other 8th graders yesterday.” “Yeah, I am,” said Kyle. “Cool! What’s your name? I’m Tanya and I’m from the 6th grade.” Said the girl with brown eyes. Her sweet voice was sharp and clear and she wore two cute pig-tails. She looked rather innocent. “I’m Kyle. Nice to meet you all.” ,said Kyle. “I’m Mike,” said the guy. His hair was short and spiky and showed that he used gel regularly. He was athletic and Kyle remembered seeing him in a lot of games in tournaments. “And my name is Shea, and I know you ‘cause I saw you at the annual tournament last year.”, Shea said. She was also well built and had short hair and bright blue eyes. She had a tanned complexion but still looked good. “Well, what’s your problem? I mean, why have you come here?” Shea asked, blushing slightly. Now it was Kyle’s turn to blush slightly with embarrassment. He was not used to people asking questions or talking to him that freely. It must have showed on his face because Mike suddenly said, “It’s ok. Don’t hesitate, we all felt sick and had burning sensations. We just asked because we were curious and it’s sort of funny—all of us having the same symptoms.” “Well, I’m not making up or anything, but I have the same symptoms. And personally I find nothing funny in a few kids having butterflies in their stomach, it happens most of the time you know...”, so saying he lied down on his bed. Then, Shea pointed out-“Why are you wearing those bands now when you are indoors and not playing?” “That, is none of your business”, came a very cold reply.

    Now, now...Dark Arrow always caused a problem. The other three get along very well, but Death... What should I do now? How do I set things right? How do I get them together...

    The rest of the day went eventless; if the cold glances from the three towards Kyle whenever they crossed paths aren’t counted. The higher grades starting from Kyle’s had classes till 4 pm while for the rest school was over at 3 pm. So, the three met in the playground to talk. Tanya started, “It’s nothing bad or anything, just strange...” and pulled the sleeve of her shirt up to reveal a golden heart shaped tattoo-like thing on her arm. It was like a part of her skin itself. “I saw this when I woke up today morning. And I couldn't sleep all night because of strange dreams, which I am reminded of when I see this tattoo or whatever it is.” Then Shea got excited and said, “I knew there was something about you. That’s why I called you here now.” She pulled out a locket from inside her shirt. It was small-ish, star-shaped and was glowing slightly. It was beautiful. She explained that she found it on her table, and how, as far as she knew, no one could have given it to her because no one could have possibly got into her house in the middle of the night. “Probably your parents gave it to you as a surprise,” Mike suggested. “No, it can’t be, because they didn’t know about it too. I had to make up some excuse to explain where I got it from when I showed it to them.” Shea explained. “And it’s strange, I sort of felt I should talk about this to you guys and I think it’s because of this.” Then Mike said, “Look here,” and pulled up his shirt slightly to reveal a silver-blue lightning shaped mark, which was just like Tanya’s except for the colour and shape on his hip. “I found this when I woke up in the morning too. You are right, Shea, something’s up for sure. But why that cold senior guy?! Anyone else, at least slightly friendly, would have done!!!” “Stop complaining Mike.” Shea said slightly irritated, “We have to see what is to be done and deal with it. What could this mean? Hmm...”


    The ages can be changed suitably. So what do you guys think?? I don't know if I should continue it coz the characters feel too cliched and the plot doesn't seem original, and I'm stuck - how should I take it further, should I have another bad guy etc etc. It seems so childish too. Well, how is it so far? Do you want a little more of the plot to say something? Please do comment!
    Last edited by butternut; 11-16-2011 at 12:45 AM.

  2. #2
    One Thousand Member Regantor's Avatar
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    If you want honesty... It looks pretty hackneyed and cliche to me. The origins story in itself isn't terrible in as far as magical children go, but I can sence the setup of a "chosen children save magic land" story right off the bat. It's been done to death and back, trust me. Random burning sensations also would have gotten more attention from the nurse, I would have thought, since it could be something infectious. Glowy marks of power can be done well, funnily enough, but rarely are.

    My verdic is that you probally could make it work with a really grey-area plot and believable characters that put their own lives first, but unless you totally deconstruct everything, you'll be pedalling uphill...

  3. #3
    One Thousand Member butternut's Avatar
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    Thanks a lot! I thought so too, but I just didn't wanna give up until I actually heard it from someone I guess...I'll try changing/working on something completely new. Thank you for reading it through! =)

  4. #4
    One Thousand Member Matt's Avatar
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    Reg's pretty much got everything there. However, there are a lot of huge titles out there with the same sort of storylines. Zelda and Final Fantasy, for instance. I enjoy urban fantasy and steampunk slightly more than traditional fantasy, so I'd actually really enjoy a story like the one you've got going--with the proper corrections. I don't think you're spending enough time on the characters, even for this being a beginning. I know who Kyle is based on his mirrored description, but the other three, I don't know. Their descriptions are sorta jumbled there, and so is their dialogue. Each speaker gets a new paragraph. But I'm guessing, since the title of this thread is "An OLD story," you probably know that by now.

    Ugh. I had a lot more typed in, then Firefox crashed. A lot of it was unneeded, anyway. I'll just go with this for now.

  5. #5
    One Thousand Member butternut's Avatar
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    Thanks Matt! As for the characters: the story starts from Kyle's point of view, and he doesn't know the others except from school. So there is not a lot about them, but you'll get to know them for sure once it proceeds. Or else, I could give a little background on each of them before jumping in the story, so you'll have a better idea i guess. Well, I am going to change it (not completely though), and I don't see myself working on it soon (damn you school work! X( ), but I'll post as soon as I can.

    Lol, you are right. I wrote this long time ago(around a year or so), and forgot all about it until I was going through some old files on my comp and found it! Oh well! Hopefully I post soon on this thread again. Thanks a lot!! =D

  6. #6
    One Thousand Member butternut's Avatar
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    Double Post! (please forgive me, but this is completely new and unrelated so...)

    Long time since i wrote anything. I was randomly sitting in the lab (that's where i work) thinking and got this idea. i thought some more and wrote this piece:
    SPOILER! :

    “So there was this ghost in the lab,” Sam started.
    “Ghost?! There aren’t any ghosts!” Kylie interrupted.
    “Of course there are! I know it because I saw one. Not just saw, but interacted with one!” Sam protested.
    “Then how come no one else saw it except you? None of your lab mates or anyone else around! Can’t believe you.” Kylie said.
    “Well that’s because the ghost hasn’t shown herself to anyone but me silly. And there might be people who know about it, but I’m not sure. They might be dead, or just pretending to not know for the fear of society and people like you.” Sam reasoned. She has an explanation for everything she says, however farfetched, that’s Sam for you. And that’s one of the reasons I find it pretty interesting to hang out with her.
    “Oh both of you stop arguing for once and Sam, get on with it already!” I was already annoyed with the continued interruptions and straying away from the topic. It’s always like this with Kylie and Sam together. Both of them are pretty cool, though in completely opposite ways. Kylie is down-to-earth practical and what people would say more ‘sensible’ of the both. Sam is ….Sam. It’s like she’s from another planet. She can say the randomest things with utter conviction in a matter-of-fact way, and she can give an explanation for it too, that sometimes you are left confused – whether to believe or not believe her. Sometimes you wonder how both of them even got together, but then after spending years with them, you realize it fits. Sam provides Kylie with lots of fun and excitement and Kylie takes care of them both seeing that her schemes don’t get them into trouble. I sometimes hang out with them when all three of us are home (I play a lot of basketball and sometimes practice music, which keeps me away from home a lot.)

    We were on a break from school and had lots of free time, so we found out things to kill it. Kylie is taking classes in something that has to do with art or dance or both. She is also doing a part-time in her mom’s store. I took up a part-time in a local music store. Sam is helping out a scientist friend of hers in exchange for treats.

    Sam finally started her tale - “So I was alone at the lab one day and there was a disturbance at the ARC. The lab was old; a newer one was reconstructed recently. The old one is used only for storing documents and as an office. So I was working on the computer and there’s some noise at the old ARC. I went there to check it out, it had burned a few months ago and it was kinda cold close to the machine. There was still some dust and soot as usual though. Then I heard someone’s voice, it was female. We talked. She said she’d died sometime before the new lab was constructed. She had come to the lab or the first time and that became her last. She said she suffocated and that there was smoke everywhere when she’d died. And then there’s this rumor from some time ago that the new lab was constructed because of some faulty in ventilation and bad safety arrangements and stuff. Another hint: our department head and the head of the neighboring department passed away within hours of each others’ deaths. Put two and two together!” She finished with a smug grin on her face.
    Kylie burst out laughing. “Hahahahaha! Sam! That was one of your best ever! Clever inclusion of the deaths and all! You are actually getting better Sam!” Sam stared. She had a huge question mark on her face saying – here I am telling you something that’s totally cool, and you are talking about…? “Better at what?” She asked. “At being you. You know. Your theories don’t seem as weird or farfetched as before.” Kylie replied. Sam just shrugged - “Whatever” and then turned to me, “What do you think, Tyler?” I really liked her stories. They were entertaining at least, if not true. I said “It’s good, except for the ghost part you know.” That got me a punch and a yelling of “That was the point dumbass!” And then she announced – “This proves it – that ghosts and spirits do exist. They live on the same planet as us, and they can show themselves only to those whom they choose. Or those who discover them accidently.” Sam ends her tales with an announcement of some kind – moral, or a theory, or a conclusion of some kind.

    We were lounging at our ‘clubhouse’, as Sam liked to call it. It was an old shed near an old building that the building’s owners probably used as either a garden shed or an emergency kitchen, because it was as tiny as a shed but had provisions that said it could be a kitchen. The building was at the end of the street where I, Sam and Kylie lived. It was Sam’s idea – she was all for sneaking in, exploring and stuff. The shed was unused, old and hidden – enough to pick Sam’s interest. With Kylie’s organizational skills, we cleaned it up and made it a little livable. It was my idea to store some stationary and add some boxes for seats. Since then, we always came here for random chit chat or timepass whenever any of us was bored. And yes. Sam called it the ‘clubhouse’.

    Kylie complained that she was hungry. My stomach was growling too. We’d been here since after lunch and it was dusk already. I suggested “Maybe we should also store some food as well here. We’ve been spending more time in here lately, it makes sense.” Sam immediately raised her hand and shouted “Motion seconded! Majority wins! Let’s get food!” Kylie and I rolled our eyes. Count on Sam for the dramatics. “Okay, let’s get stuff that stays longer – biscuits, chips, you know, packed stuff.” Kylie said. Sam’s eyes lit up. “Hey! Let’s get an ice-box. That would be great!” Kylie sighed. I explained, “Sam, it would be very hard to maintain an ice-box. Even if you thought of a refrigerator, that would require electricity and that’ll be hard. So let’s just get food here every time we come.” “That’s good,” Kylie seconded, “we can get anything at all!” Sam was disappointed, but let it go.
    “All right guys! So how would you react if you came across a ghost? Tyler, you go first!” Sam started again. Sometimes I think Sam could make an excellent TV person. But I doubt that’ll happen at all, thanks to her topics of interest and her appearance. “Uhh, let’s see, a ghost huh. Hmm… I’d probably kick a football to see if it goes through or not. I don’t know.” I said. I really don’t know. Or care. A ghost. “Not funny Tyler. It might just come around to haunt you. You better be careful. So what about you Kylie?” She turned towards Kylie. “Sam, ghosts do not exist. All the fuss around it is just some weird happenings in the electromagnetic waves or air currents in some places, and people making things up. Just like the deal with God. Remember when you argued with that old lady near Billy’s?” Kylie just doesn’t give up on Sam. “C’mon Kylie! Just say you actually do meet one. Besides, ghosts are completely different from God. God is man-made. Ghosts are remnants of people who did exist and have died.” Sam is not one to give up either. “See! people who did exist – once upon a time! Not now!” Kylie argued. Sigh! Here they get into one of their arguments again. “Ha! Now I know. Kylie, you are afraid of ghosts. You-” “Afraid?! Sam, I honestly do not believe in them!” “Kylie, it’s okay. I think if you are good to them, they won’t do anything to you. They were humans once upon a time too..” This was Sam trying to counsel, when Kylie cut her off – “All right Sam! Enough. I’d probably not even notice it even if it was standing right in front me. OK?” Sam gave a knowing smile. “Okay! Let’s go to Billy’s! I’m hungry too!” Sam said. So we all got up and out of the shed.

    Billy’s was a pizza place in the next street we frequented ever since we were allowed to go out alone. We knew the old man as well as his son, and they sometimes had some treats waiting for us. We greeted them and ordered some sandwiches. Today Billy’s son Will had a ball for me. He found it outside and no one had come to claim it for a few days. We ate our sandwiches and I was tossing the ball in my hand as we left the place. It was getting dark and we headed back to our homes. On the way, Sam suddenly brightened up and smiled wide and said – “Hello!” The suddenness startled me and I somehow ended up throwing the ball in front of me. It went as it was supposed to upto about a foot ahead of us when it looped the loop and continued on. I kept staring at the ball. Kylie was confused; she turned towards Sam when she shouted asking what the matter was. And in a few seconds, Sam was normal, probably a little disappointed and Kylie was as puzzled as ever. And I had turned into stone, still staring at the ball. After a while, Kylie demanded to know what was going on. I couldn’t speak, I was still too shocked. Sam explained – “I thought I saw a grey person smiling at me, she seemed familiar, but then she vanished before I could even see her properly.”


    uhh..not so short, but yeah...its cliched but i haven't written something like this for a long time.

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