Review needed for my Manga idea =D

[Mystick10]

Hello! Mystic here.

I've been thinking about this manga idea for about half a year, and changed its story a lot... but I finally have a story I'm satisfied with =)

A few things:

1. My english SUCKS. Please forgive me for that!
2. I haven't read a lot of mangas, nor have I seen a lot of anime, so I don't know how much of a cliché my story is.

I call it Magic Factory (I'm not very original with titles, I know xD):

The protagonists are two sisters: Zoe, who is 17, and is a bossy person who often acts without thinking, and her younger sister, Krysa, who is 14 and is rather silly, having a few memory losses* and being easily amused by the (stupidest) of things. They both escaped from their original home at a very young age, and now work at the Magic Factory, the primary source of magic in the whole world.

After an exhausting day of work (I still can't decide what their job is - what I've decided is that they get a very low pay, as their boss, who I'll call 'K', is very greedy and overlooks them), Zoe hears someone talking about performing a plan related with the Magic Gear (the main gear, that makes the whole Magic Factory work properly).

Along with Krysa, they follow the person who was talking about the Magic Gear to what seems like a secret lair with three bandits, who have the Magic Gear in their possesion. In the middle of the desperation, Zoe accidentally breaks the Magic Gear (which, apparently, is very fragile xD), and finds out the "bandits" are actually 'K' and some employees of the Magic Factory.
As a punishment for breaking the Magic Gear (as the factory would know have to run with its magic reserves), 'K' forces Zoe and Krysa to repair it, by any means.

*(I might change the 'memory loss' thing, as I've created another character with both eidetic memory AND lack of short term memory, and don't want two similar characters)



(Can anyone tell me how to add spoilers?)

Ok, now (please) criticize it, rip it apart! I know it's a really cliché story, but manga stories aren't exactly my forte.

[Matt]

It's not as cliched as you think. I like the idea of a factory producing magic, and I like the idea of the protagonists having to fix their mistakes.

I do have a question, though: this is obviously fantasy, but if you were K, the head of a massive corporation that provides magic to the world, would you hire a fourteen-year-old bumblehead? How is this kid qualified to work at whatever job she has, and wouldn't K have hired more responsible people for the job? Some managers fully scrutinize applicants before hiring them--as I can attest to. More decisions than we'd all like to think are made before the interview even happens, simply because managers need the best people for the job.

The above isn't really a critique--just something to think about. What you've got here is your concept--the back of your book. Unique magic systems attract me, so the back of your book at least drew me in. I want to see how the world is affected while magic is unusable, what people say and do to the people responsible when they find out, what the temporary replacement is, how the Magic Gear is fixed, etc.

Your concept also implies a more whimsical than realistic fantasy--in realistic fantasy, the damage caused by a collapsing magic system would be catastrophic and the girls responsible would be severely punished, perhaps even put to death if the loss of magic killed anyone (for example, a heavy object held up by magic falling on someone's head).

It's difficult to critique concepts. Post more, like a script or something, and then you'll get more helpful critiques.

[Mystick10]

Sorry for not replying earlier! I have a lot of things to study, sadly =(

I do have a question, though: this is obviously fantasy, but if you were K, the head of a massive corporation that provides magic to the world, would you hire a fourteen-year-old bumblehead? How is this kid qualified to work at whatever job she has, and wouldn't K have hired more responsible people for the job? Some managers fully scrutinize applicants before hiring them--as I can attest to. More decisions than we'd all like to think are made before the interview even happens, simply because managers need the best people for the job.

You gave me something to think about - I definitely don't have a reason as to why 'K' hired them... yet! Thanks =D

The above isn't really a critique--just something to think about. What you've got here is your concept--the back of your book. Unique magic systems attract me, so the back of your book at least drew me in. I want to see how the world is affected while magic is unusable, what people say and do to the people responsible when they find out, what the temporary replacement is, how the Magic Gear is fixed, etc.

I'm planning to have some kind of 'Witch and Other Magic Creatures' association that will definitely HATE Krysa and Zoe, and maybe try to punish them for their acts. The main problem, though, won't be how the world is affected by the loss of the Magic Gear (after all, they have magic reserves), but the amount of pressure put on the protagonists to fix the Magic Gear within a certain amount of days.

Oh, and I think I should clarify - 'Magic Factory' isn't an idea that takes itself too seriously (a lot of mangas and aniems don't take themselves too seriously - Death Note, for example, has some very funny scenes), being more on the comedic side of things.

I'll write (not draw, write) a chapter whenever I have the time. Probably in a month =)

[Matt]

Oh, I know Magic Factory wasn't supposed to be gritty and realistic and all. I was just tossing out examples. As Death Note has funny scenes, though, any decent comedy should have some serious scenes.

Also, backup magic. I'm liking this idea of industrial magic more and more.