(sorry if this is a bit weird to read, i was trying to do this stream of consciousness just to see if i was capable, and in the hopes i wouldn't over think my wording and fail to present the problem/question)

... how to say this, well what am i even saying, what am i asking? well the last of those is easy.

How does one think, act, grow, progress, or just plain get ideas on paper?

of course that's a vague question isn't it. But well it's what i'm asking. I have a problem with drawing; it's a sort of love hate relationship, but that's not the important part. because really drawing isn't the question here, it's part of it, and considering the nature of this sub-board( or at least as i understand it) there is a chance that will become the focus (or not). so keeping that in mind, can i describe the problem?

To put it simply, i am not a person who does things, i am a person anal retentive enough that it might border on OCD, I am the kind of person who works hard not to have opinions that cannot be expanded into a full essay on the subject matter, i believe that an ego is a terrible thing (though i have also learned trying to kill ones ego only makes it stronger apparently), i am a person who thinks planning to make more than two drafts on a project is an admission to poor planning and pre-thinking, i can say something like "I tried having fun and it was a terrible experience" and only be half kidding. perhaps in simpler terms i have a ten foot rod shoved where the sun don't shine and you know what, to be honest it doesn't hurt but it makes life hard to enjoy.

perhaps to make things easier to understand let me tell you about one of the stories i've been writing for awhile, as in at least 4-5 years, not including the parts before i scrapped/forgot a huge portion of the ideas and started from all but scratch. now at this point you might think i would have something to show for it, but i have absolutely nothing unless your willing to roll out a CAT scan machine, i have written nothing of this down except for a few one or so paragraph long false starts of the beginning. largely because i'm still running a fine tooth comb through the story trimming away unneeded details and making sure the events and actions make sense, there are still a few problems though i'm down to the skeleton of the story that taking anything away can really ruin a portion of the story (for example the story is divided into three primary sub-arcs a lot of the emotional weight of the second arc's climax rests on the shoulders of an otherwise unnecessary character, aside from this scene he only acts as a foil to the facade/persona to one of the two primary characters, a facade/persona that starts coming down early in the third arc. the simplest solution would be to kill him off in the major scene which makes sens and further develops the emotional impact, but then given that he isn't introduced until about 20% into the second arc it feels like he's written as a cheap emotional ploy...) but outside of some issues like that the story is arguably ready to start being worked on as most/ all of the bigger problems occur later enough that the beginning is essentially good to go.

have i gotten anywhere writing all this, was i ever going anywhere with it. to be honest i don't know, basically i have problems and i'm sure many of them are about how i think.

there is no point of writing/drawing/creating something no one else will see, you have the idea and know what it is so any more effort is wasted if you have no audience.