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Thread: Review and Feedback needed for Manga Idea

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  1. #1
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    Cool Review and Feedback needed for Manga Idea

    The story begins in a metropolitan city in In Yokohama, Kanagawa Prefecture, Japan; riddled with skyscrapers, smog, and commuters heading to work. As we fly through the city, we see the inner and last thoughts of a dying fifteen-year-old teenager, Arashiya Satoshi, which are seen transparently through the images of the city.
    Satoshi is dying and trapped underground by a blazing fire. He is alone, suffering severe burns next to, unbeknownst to him, the grave of a Kai Inu that was the Arashiya clan heirloom for generations.
    Assassins from the Phoenixes of Darkness (闇の鳳凰), a secret organization, parallel to Yakuza, silently raided the Arashiya mansion. They snuck past everyone in the sleeping home, trying to find Arashiya Satoshi (嵐矢聡), for he has a demon inside of him that could destroy their organization and pose a threat to their leader, Kenawa Takeshi (剣泡武).
    They, with unimaginable stealth and strength, mercilessly and quietly brutally murdered every single member of the family, expect for Satoshi, who fled to the underground bunker used for emergencies.
    Unfortunately, the Phoenixes found the hidden entrance and threw a Molotov cocktail inside, hoping to kill Satoshi. As Satoshi is burned alive, a large roar filled the air and a sonic boom pulverized the wall from underground. A humongous seven-foot-tall stark white dog with solid black eyes appears and takes Satoshi aboveground where he sees the mansion burned to ash. Satoshi flees to the woods to escape the police. There, the white dog who can speak, introduces himself as Yushin (勇信) and as an inugami.

    Asked why they want to kill him, Yushin tells him of 精神の氏族/Seishin no Shizoku, which are bloodlines of spirits that are passed down through the generations within clans. The humans, to which these spirits are passed down to, can be compared to demigods of Greek mythology. The possessed humans can both have supernatural powers of that spirit and their own unique one powers, and can even transform into it.
    There is a downside though; depending on what kind of spirit it is, if they let it take them over completely, the human will die and the spirit could be let loose, for better or for worse. The human could die if that happens.
    The spirits are already passed down through each generation by default; they just need to “wake” the spirit up by stabbing the human who has the spirit within him, called a接続/Setsuzoku with a passed down dagger which activates the spirit and embeds a mark with the clan’s Mon (crest) onto the wound as a tattoo.
    Once the spirit is activated, the setsuzoku transforms into that spirit, which is also a test to see if the setsuzoku has the willpower to overpower the spirit, which will only work for a few days at best. If the setsuzoku fails, they kill the human, which, if the setsuzoku dies, the spirit is immediately passed onto the closest surviving member of the clan. If the setsuzoku does overcome the spirit, the setsuzoku is given a dog tag necklace with the name of the spirit to keep it in check. If the necklace is lost and not put back on within three days, the setsuzoku could escape his body.



    Yushin explains that Satoshi’s spirit is what the Phoenixes of Darkness want. They fear its power, for if used correctly, it could destroy their organization and their plan: to destroy the world, and rule it and its people as the Earth rises from its ashes. But, they want to take it for their own and make their plan a reality. Yushin gives Satoshi a choice: either don’t activate the spirit, give them opportunities to kill him, use his spirit to make their goal a reality, and keep the spirit safe from the Phoenixes; or activate the spirit, gain an unimaginable to use against the Phoenixes, give them opportunities to kill him, and a possibility to avenge his family. Basically, he’s saying: “虎穴(こけつ)に入(はい)らずんば虎子(こじ)を得(え)ず”, if you do not enter the tiger's cave, you will not catch its cub.
    Then Yushin tells him the Phoenixes will stop at nothing to kill him and take his power. He warns him that Sorashimo Katsumi, his best friend, is in danger from the Phoenixes who will try to kill her. He also warns that he will not be part of this Earth anymore, and that if the tag around his neck is lost for more than three days or broken, he will lose complete control over the creature inside of him.
    With this, Satoshi immediately says that he will enter the tiger’s cave and take a risk, to avenge his parents and save himself from the Phoenixes of Darkness. Yushin stabs Satoshi in the chest with the Arashiya Mon no Ken, and transforms into the eight-legged Elemental Demon Wolf (元素の狼悪霊/Genso no Okami Akuryo), which he called Yoruda (夜堕). Each of its eight limbs is able to control each element: Earth, Air, Fire, Water, Wood, Metal, Lightning, and Darkness. He uses solely his willpower to break free from the Yoruda’s grip and seizes his control. Satoshi transforms back into a human and Yushin, pleased, gives him a dog tag necklace made from the bone of Yoruda.
    After he turns to dust, Satoshi goes to Katsumi’s apartment where she and her twelve year old sister, Hana, find him and happily welcome him in. As he settles himself in one of their luxurious sofas and huge flat screen TV with game system, she tells him it’s so nice to have a place of her own while her parents moved to America as temporary retirement. They talk, play video games, they go to the movies, and Satoshi sleeps over for a few days claiming that his family took an extended 3-month trip to Tokyo, so he needs a place to stay since the house is empty and he’s kind of lonely.
    About three days later in a dark and empty bridge in the city walking home from the movies, a mugger demands all the money that they have. Satoshi fights back, but the mugger stabs the knife into his shoulder, and makes him lose a lot of blood. The mugger attempts to kill Katsumi, but is stabbed in the neck by Satoshi who pulled the knife from his chest. The mugger, not even dazed, pulls out the knife and throws it over the bridge. The mugger pulls out his gun and shoots him in the arm.
    Satoshi falls 150 feet into the water and is drowning having not being able to swim due to the severe wound and not knowing how to swim. As the mugger starts to rip her clothes and attempts to kill her while holding a hand to her throat, he reveals himself to be the assassin of the Phoenixes of Darkness who murdered Katsumi’s and Satoshi’s parents. Katsumi’s eyes turn blue with anger as she transforms into her spirit, a 30-foot long watery dragon with white eyes, a mizuchi (a Japanese dragon or legendary serpent-like creature, which is aquatic or somehow related to water.
    Some commentators perceived it to have been a water deity). The mugger, now terrified, shoots the dragon but her watery dragon body turns to ice with long but razor sharp scales as she sends them into the mugger. She plunges into the water.
    She travels down the bottom and sees Satoshi. He suddenly awakes, is terrified at first, and then realizes it is Katsumi.
    Hesitantly, he grabs onto the back of Katsumi, who gets him to the surface. They see that the mugger is still moving. Katsumi forces the water over the bridge to rise and turn into sharp icicles that are pierced through the mugger’s body in numerous places sending blood everywhere. She then controls the blood on the floor with her mind, trapping the assassin in a cocoon of blood-ice. The assassin shatters the cocoon with one blow. He reveals he has the super strength due to him being the setsuzoku of a mountain spirit. The assassin tells them how nice it will be to kill the son and daughter of his assassination targets (that way, the children could join the parents), as he stomps the bridge floor with one blow and makes the bridge fall with them into the water, while the mugger stays on the edge.
    The dragon swims to Satoshi who is at the bottom, and carries him to the ground, where Katsumi falls unconscious with Satoshi next to her. The assassin laughs maniacally while telling him how easy it was to kill his and Katsumi’s parents. Satoshi then slowly and seemingly painfully transforms into Yoruda.
    The assassin is surprised and tells him he can see why the leader of the “Phoenixes of Darkness”, Kenawa Takeshi, would want to kill Satoshi and Katsumi; it would ruin their plans: to start the world anew; like the phoenix, rise out of the ashes and start the world anew in darkness and absolute control.
    Yoruda, who controls the eight elements, attacks the assassin, who has the power of a thousand men. They fight: Satoshi binds the assassin’s arms and legs with concrete and sends razor sharp icicles into his neck and heart. The assassin is within an inch of his life before the Wolf Demon uses the element of darkness to make his worst memories and fears come to life in his heart: his fear of dying, the memory of him killing his entire family in a fit of insanity. The assassin’s sanity breaks and begs the Demon Wolf to kill him now. Satoshi complies, creating a huge spear of each element to be hurled into the head of the assassin who dies in the rain with a smile on his face knowing that all his suffering is over.
    The next day, the two find themselves sleeping in the Katsumi’s home, side by side on the floor, unkempt and injured. They hug and they ask the other if he’s okay. Katsumi breaks down and cries. Satoshi comforts her by saying that he is her family now and he will protect her even if it means dying. They will not stop until they avenge their families’ deaths and become safe. They go into the bathroom to patch each other up so Hana won’t see them injured; Satoshi and Katsumi go to bed from their exhaustion, knowing that their families will be avenged and their new family is safe, for now…

  2. #2
    ハリセン クラプ Ace Pitcher Hayashida's Avatar
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    Hey, this thread belongs in the manga works section, so I'll move it there.

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