on your last pic, the redraw, the eyes are too far apart - there should be a distance of one eye's length between the two eyes, yours has a gap of nearly two. Also, it looks odd having a line right in the middle of the nose between the nostrils, as it's not really connected to anything. It would be better to either just indicate the nostrils, or do most of the outline of the nose, connecting it to the eyebrows. Finally, the shadow connecting the line of the nose to the eyebrow doesnt seem natural at all, there isnt anything that should be casting that sort of shape, normally the shadow would follow one edge of the nose (as it sticks out of the face, if a light source is coming from one side, this casts a shadow on the opposite side)
However, I like the way you draw eyes and hair, and it's good to see you redrawing to take on critiques!