sukochi ai jin - my first work ^^

[raditz]

hello there guys
i'm new here
i have a work it's my first
emm you can name it "first chapte"r or "one shot" but i prefer one shot
my english is bad so i don't really want to talk too much


this is the main character :mona
http://i46.tinypic.com/30mxw1h.jpg

this is another char that i'm drawing it right now : zola
http://i46.tinypic.com/149a93l.jpg

this is the one shot
http://i50.tinypic.com/aw3r0o.jpg
ps:the little mistress = sukochi ai jin
http://i46.tinypic.com/bkent.jpg
http://i46.tinypic.com/bkent.jpg
http://i47.tinypic.com/14d0mxs.jpg
http://i49.tinypic.com/sl6uj5.jpg
http://i45.tinypic.com/2celzlv.jpg
http://i46.tinypic.com/1zf058o.jpg
http://i49.tinypic.com/2ufsvnb.jpg
http://i47.tinypic.com/313smtk.jpg
http://i45.tinypic.com/z0qb7.jpg




and this is the began of the first chapter

http://i47.tinypic.com/33tgd9z.jpg

[Shadowsfade]

Your overall anatomy seems really good. However, I think you need quite a bit of work on faces, especially in profile, as the planes of the face and the size of the features dont really work. For example, "mona"s face, you should be able to see her other eye at that angle, and on the face of the blonde girl on the "little mistress" page isnt right - her eye is much too small for her face, and is in the wrong place on her face.

for the actual story, i think it'd help if you could get a friend to proof read it, as some of the spelling is off. also the story is a bit confusing and "jumpy" - lots has happened that you havent really explained. why is she in an orphanage? why has this woman decided to adopt her? why does she like people licking her feet? (o.O)

[Demonfyre]

Ontop of what SF has said I would suggest working on the shape of the breasts and their placement. The most noticeable example is in the first panel of the first page you have posted up. It's hard to describe, they are just in odd shapes and also occasionally are too high up the chest, especially between different pages.

Also with the heads make sure to include a gap between the edge of the hair and the skull of the character. Occasionally you seem to have the hair joined straight to the skull when in reality there is skin and some hair volume inbetween producing the gap.

why does she like people licking her feet? (o.O)

What can I say... Some people just have foot fettishes I guess xD

[JJJorgie]

I agree with what these two have said.

I'm only going to critque the first two pictures:
In the first picture: The head is too tall. You should be able to see more of the hand holding the sword. The forearm on the right is crooked.

In the second picture: One half of the butt is much bigger and differently shaped than the other half. The far hand is too small. The eye should be more to the right. Also, there's a huge really weird bulge above the closest thigh and the upper body where that hand is; that bulge shouldn't be there.

Hope this helps

[raditz]

thanks for the Notes guys it's very helpful
ok,give me from 0/10 ?
and about the strory as i told you... my english is weak
so i don't have the right words to explain everything
i need help :'(

[JJJorgie]

Oh goodness, I don't like rating people's art, but I think you have a good base. Some anatomy practice will do you good!

You can always put up a thread in the recruitment section of the forum for an editor. If you want, I can help with the editting, but you'll probably want more than one editor in case one becomes busy.