The unhealthy things you do
What are some of the unhealthy things that you do. Any clue as to why you do them? Anything that you you do that you know is not good for you applies here. Mental, physical, emotional, monetary or what have you.
A how fucked up do you think you are kinda thread.
When I was little I would bang my head against the wall because I thought that my family hated me so I should hate me to.
I would bite myself to stop myself from crying because I was specifically forbidden from crying as a child so I did anything I could to stop the tears.
I would eat when I was bored because we lived in the more dangerous parts of town and my mom was scared of what would happen if we were outside for too long so we had to stay in all the time.
I've recently noticed that every time some one in my family pisses me off I want to go shopping. I guess I'm going back to the "I have to hate me too" because its usually shit I don't need and I'm trying to save as much as I can right now.
I almost refuse to buy myself things I want or that I absolutely need unless I'm in a horrible mood otherwise I won't spend a dime on myself unless its food. When I was little my sister and I would get yelled at in the car before we went into the store with either of my parents to not ask for shit because we don't have much money and we only need one thing or have a specific list. My sister was the type that learned a closed mouth never gets fed so she asked anyways. I am a literal person so I kept quiet and even if I was dying on the inside for something I would not say a word because I felt like I was told I couldn't ask for shit because I didn't deserve shit. So even though I told myself that if no one else would get me what I wanted that it was going to be up to me to get what I wanted by my own means . . . but I still don't.
I will spend everything I have on everyone else. As a kid everything that was given to me specifically by family like toys money video games and even food I was forced to share. My parents took my birthday money, my sisters were allowed to take and use my stuff as they pleased. So my stuff isint mine in my head so I may as well give it voluntarily before they come take it anyways.
I take care of everyone else before me. My mom was a maid for my uncle as a child because he had asthma and always sick and developed the habit of "I have to make sure everyone is taken care of first" and I was the one that was somehow chosen to become part of that mind set. She probably didn't want my sisters to be a repeat of herself so she made me take care of them as vengeance for her upbringing.
I can recognize and see all of this in myself and stop it to some degree but its a struggle.
Disgusting to think about but therapeutic to be able to say I'm fucked up but smart enough to see it.