Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12
Results 11 to 15 of 15

Thread: Almanac's Ranobe. TheMachine

  1. #11
    One Thousand Member AlmanacnamedTime's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Location
    The ocean
    Posts
    1,029
    Now it's coming to triple posting. Come on guys. Are you afraid to read it?

    Turn 5
    Quote Originally Posted by Mr_Liebe View Post
    I pegged you as a sadist, nyuck nyuck.
    My Story Thread


    If you took the time to read this, you can just call me Al, or Stan.

  2. #12
    One Thousand Member Regantor's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Posts
    1,968
    There is no point in getting passively aggressive about it, man. You haven't commented on anybody else's work, so naturally not many people felt like commenting on yours. But anyway.

    I'll give you some in-depth imput here.

    The first thing that strikes me is that you have a bit of a problem with descriptions. The way that you describe "The sword was the same color of the Fortress and Sedgwick's trenchcoat.", for instance, is kind of annoying, since you say it's generally "grey", but you never actually give us any proper source of reference for what kind of grey that even is. Light grey? Ocean grey? Charcoal grey?... In a similar fashion, the symbols on the sword are just general "symbols". There was more than one architectural style during the medieval era, too. The cannon fodder guys in the first chapter? Never even get a single clothing item described.

    To fix that, you'd be better off at least using descriptive adjectives like arcane, imposing, or jagged, so that we can get some sort of a feel for what you are trying to portray.

    Overall the characterizations seem okay I guess, but it is hard to tell exactly what their motivations are, or what they hope to achieve at this point.

    I think it could get alot better with just one or two small tweeks, basically.

  3. #13
    One Thousand Member AlmanacnamedTime's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Location
    The ocean
    Posts
    1,029
    I do read other's stuff, just too busy to do so lately. I get 30 seconds here and there.

    As far as the book goes, thanks for reading, and for the feedback. I will remember the adjectives. Right now it's in draft 2 when I post it. Draft 1 I almost deleted forever.
    Quote Originally Posted by Mr_Liebe View Post
    I pegged you as a sadist, nyuck nyuck.
    My Story Thread


    If you took the time to read this, you can just call me Al, or Stan.

  4. #14
    101 Dalmations Member Snooderflubbyguppy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Location
    in your head
    Posts
    141
    hmmm......... interesting...........

  5. #15
    One Thousand Member AlmanacnamedTime's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Location
    The ocean
    Posts
    1,029
    Quote Originally Posted by Mr_Liebe View Post
    I pegged you as a sadist, nyuck nyuck.
    My Story Thread


    If you took the time to read this, you can just call me Al, or Stan.

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •