Improve your writing skills II

[Avy16]

Thanks for that.
The guys chasing her never found her so yeah the diamond was still in the loaf of bread.

[ScarletHue]

That was pretty upsetting. I felt pretty drawn into the story at some points, as though I were running alongside her. Some sentances though I think could be structured abit more appealingly

il try to use the quote thing to show you..

Even if she was stronger than anyone else she knew she would not even win in a fair fight with these thugs.

mm kay so like i was saying. Sentances like this one perhaps feel abit slugish. Maybe the use of even for the second time makes it that way.

I thought it was a great story though and i liked / was sad about the ending. Thought it was sad that the thugs never found her yet she died anyway .

Is anyone else going to go ? its been more then two days.

[DrPumpkin]

Yeah, sorry about not being able to critique everything. I'll try my best to do so from now on.

In the meantime, enjoy my piece of work that will undoubtedly make you raise an eyebrow and go 'Whah?' in utter confusion.

-----

“Would you catch a burning angel?"

It was one autumn afternoon that wasn’t quite autumn yet. The haze of summer lingered in the air, carried by the breeze that swept with a silent song across the candle-lit fields of flickering leaves.

“What?”

“A burning angel. How do you catch a burning angel?”

The boy dropped his bag on the floor as the traffic lights turned red and slung it on the other shoulder- his hair rustling across his eyes that were as curious as the waves. The companion began to answer the question, saying ‘Well,” weakly, but stopped to tie his shoe laces.

“I won’t. It’s burning.” Continued the boy with his voice and teeth but not his lips. He had passed this crossing once too often and knew that they could cross in forty-two seconds- however, today it took forty-seven. “It’s burning. Catching it would hurt since it’s burning.”

The companion’s ear lobes swayed as he contemplated this. A second car whizzed passed and it was green.

“But it’s a messenger of god. I think we should save messengers of gods. Especially if they’re Angels.” He said quietly as he discovered that his right shoe was untied as well. The companion did not know that he was standing on a leaf which was desperately trying to escape from the clutches of the rubber.

“I would save an burning angel.”

“Well I won’t. It’s burning and everything. I won’t.”

The traffic lights turned green but as the companion was still fiddling with his shoes, they missed the time to cross. In the next forty-eight seconds they decided to dedicate it on talking about bow ties.

----

Anyone who crits gets a cookie. Since I wrote this as a practice for putting atmosphere in writing, anyone who crits me on that get two.

[goggy]

“But it’s a messenger of god. I think we should save messengers of gods. Especially if they’re Angels.” He said quietly as he discovered that his right shoe was untied as well.

“I won’t. It’s burning.” Continued the boy with his voice and teeth but not his lips.

The speech shouldn't end with a full stop but a comma, and the following verb shouldn't start with a capital letter. So it should be "blah blah," he said and "la la," continued the boy.

Also, God needs a capital G because it's his name.

I love how normal everything around them is while they're talking about such deep stuff. XD It's a brilliant contrast. Especially when they talk about bow ties like burning angels is an ordinary conversation you just bring up.

[brain132]

I agree with goggy. Interesting story. Can't think of anything to crit right now.

[brain132]

By the way DrPumpkin, if the thread is inactive for 2 or 3 days, then you can assign someone to post.

Edit: And for all the members of this thread, I'm going to be making a voting thread of how we are going to do the posting order and such. Details will be in the thread.

[DrPumpkin]

Roger, sire.

Oh, and thanks for all the crit.

The next person may post if they want.

[Son44]

Did this one for my english class. Didn't get any critic though DX

Crudely Drawn

“Taxi!!” He plunked into the backseat. “Let’s see...” He fumbled around in his brown, wet pockets and said; “Take me to Spiegel Street.” He searched anxiously through his jacket and trousers, but the only thing he found was an old receipt, a long thin thread and some sellotape.

“Hey, I’m sorry. I don’t have any cash so...” He leaned forward. “I can pay you when we rea...” The rest of the sentence refused to take off from his lungs. In front of him was an orange balloon with a taxi driver’s cap on. Slowly it turned and a pair of crudely drawn eyes, a mouth and something that resembled a nose appeared. He fell backwards and tried to reach for the door.

“Don’t” said a mild, but strict voice, “You’ll just upset him and even make him feel worse...”
“Huh?!” He turned his head. Right next to him sat a small walrus. It was dressed in a black suit, design shoes and had a black fedora on placed on his head.
“Just relax” said the walrus, “You should just pay him with what you have”
“Are you su...” he was cut off.
“Yes. The sellotape and thread should be enough. Isn’t that right Paul?”

The balloon nodded slowly. Suddenly the cap fell off and the balloon launched into the roof. “Hold on!” The walrus leaned forward and taped the thread on the balloon and tied it to a small crotchet shaped thing that had been put into the seat.
“...There we go” said the walrus. The crudely drawn face changed and a rather awkward smile appeared.
Slowly it turned forward and the taxi stopped.

“Seems like you’ve reached your address” said the walrus and leaned backward.
He turned his head and indeed, he was outside his apartment. He hadn’t notice them starting in the first place.
“Didn’t I tell you? He’s a hell of a driver!” said the walrus and guffawed. Meanwhile the balloon had turned and displayed a huge, but crudely drawn grin.

[brain132]

Really interesting. Only crit that I have is try not to use exclamation marks. And if you do, then only use one. Exclamation marks are more for manga stories. In a story, its usually best to make a comma after the person is done talking, then explain how he said it.

[DrPumpkin]

I like surreal stuff so I loved it. Especially that the balloon's name is Paul. That made me smile.

I'm not actually sure I can crit it. I suppose I personally would have put a bit more build up to the fact that the driver is a balloon and the appearance of the walrus, but then again, the spontaneous appearance of these bizarre characters really add to the humour of it all.