Improve your writing skills II

[DrPumpkin]

For those who are new and decided that the second thread is the better place to join rather than the first thread, this is a place to post your short stories and have them critiqued by our wonderful other people at MT.

If you're from the original thread and you've been kicked out, er, I mean, transfered here, then welcome. The rumor about the free cake was a lie. We apologize.

Right. Rules.

Whoever wishes to post a story next, regardless of the list order, may do so. HOWEVER, once someone posts a story, everyone else must wait 2 days before posting their story, to give people time to read/critique it. Also, once you have posted a story you may not post another until at least one other person has posted a story and the 2 days is up.

Savy? 'Kay.

Begin!

[ScarletHue]

This is really difficult huh.. this is the first serious story I have ever written so yeh..i really really need help.

I am happy

I'm happy. I have freedom , I have joy , I have love and after much hard work posses a degree in law and social justice. Graduated top of the class too , from Oxford no less. I'm going to become a lawyer. The pay check appeals to me as does the amount of power that will soon be mine. Things have never been this good , hell even marriage is on the cards. What does she look like ? Chinese origin with beautiful brown eyes and matching hair. Her hair is long , it reaches down past her shoulders complementing her slender figure. I love her. I love her not for her beauty but for her loyalty. Life is truly great and as I said , I'm happy.

These are all things I once thought. Since then things have altered and oh my how it is indeed for the worse. I have subjection , I have sorrow , I have hatred and no longer does my academic prowess matter to the world. I will not become a lawyer nor ever work for the unethical monopolistic powers at be. I would much sooner beg for coin on the streets of London then I would serve those who took my love from me. This is not right , this is not at all what I have learnt about all that is just.

Alas it is not only I that has grievances, many in number are those taken away in secrecy. More so then myself do i pity the members of society whom do not match the so cakked 'ideal ', for those members are no longer members. I have no clue what or where they are but she is with them and I am not. Unfortunately I have been born in resemblance to their ' perfection ' and am cursed with a place in their elitist haven.

Here then I remain amongst the streets. Alone ? No , they are with me and they will resist and when they do I will stand with them fearless of the coercion of the state and moreover angered at their very existence. I reject the state and they reject it more so then I. Those who remain and have yet to be taken by the captors of their brethren, they are the people I stand with. We must bring down the state , we must challenge its dominance as we cannot allow such people to hang power over our heads as though we are mere insects. I will stand with them. We will resist and if this resistance does lead to the cemetery so be it. To resist. Is to win.

[Son44]

A couple of typos, but other than that it's pretty... I dunno...

Don't get me wrong, I just don't know what to say. Most likley it's because I don't write in that sort of style. Because now it reminds me of a guy summarizing the facts, with little feeling or interest.

Thats pretty much all i can think of. Again I don't write in this sort of "style", so someone else should be able to give you better critic than this

[brain132]

Okay, first I've got to say thats the best intro for a thread I've seen! XD
But yeah, son's got the right idea. You need to increase your style to where it has feeling. Like at the beginning you said I am happy. I have freedom. You just simple point out what the character is feeling when you could use better detailed words to explain. Cause it doesn't express much when you simple put what they feel.

Things have never been this good , hell even marriage is on the cards. What does she look like ? Chinese origin with beautiful brown eyes and matching hair. Her hair is long , it reaches down past her shoulders complementing her slender figure. I love her. I love her not for her beauty but for her loyalty. Life is truly great and as I said , I'm happy.

Don't tell the story like you are talking to someone and they ask you something. Give enough detail to where there won't be any questions needed. And when you talk about her features, you still need good formatted detail.
Ex.

Her hair is long , it reaches down past her shoulders complementing her slender figure.

If you just switch the words around a bit, then it would sound better.
Her long dark hair reaches past her shoulders, complementing her slender figure. (You didn't give a color, so I just made it dark.)
the sentence that I made was used with the same words as yours (except for dark). I just got rid of some unnecessary words to give it a good flow.

So I would say the main thing you need to work on is detail, and how to get a good flow for your sentences. Getting the flow will probably be the easier part to get down. I've been writing for 2 or 3 years now, and I still need to work on the detail of my stories.
Oh, and you have some incomplete sentences. In a sentence you need a verb and a noun. In some places it would be alright to have an incomplete sentences, cause one of my favorite authors does that sometimes, and it still looks good. But you want to avoid them if you can.
But over all, this isn't bad for a first serious attempt.

[ScarletHue]

I thank both of you for the crits first of all

I see what you both mean about the lack of feeling now and the example really helped me understand brain.

Il try to incorporate what you have said when it is my turn again.

[DrPumpkin]

Right-y ho. That's Mr/Ms. Illustrate's turn over.

The next person can post any time they want.

[Yara]

A very useful thread Dr. =)

[brain132]

A very useful thread Dr. =)

... I'll take credit... XD I had to say that.

[Avy16]

I guess I can go now.

She was going nowhere fast. It was as if every muscle in her body was being sliced in half. Her bones ached and she could not move without extreme pain. She had been running at full pelt for hours now. Trying to get away from the men chasing her. All she had wanted was a loaf of bread. how was she to know that it was where they had hidden their latest theft? A large uncut diamond, she would never go hungry again. Any kind of food would be easy to buy if she managed to sell it, but alas she was not nearly as strong as those persuing her. Even if she was stronger than anyone else she knew she would not even win in a fair fight with these thugs.

She had ran into the woods boardering the city. Hoping the foliage would give her some cover. It had helped a little bit but not much. She had already taken a bullet to the shoulder but she was not about to give up somthing worth so much, when it had fallen right into her lap. She had already considered giving it up to them but her mind had quickly banished that option. The trees had turned out to be an asset but also a hindrence, the roots were at perfect tripping hight and had endangered her life more than once already. Still she was not to be out done she was ,after all, known as the quickest girl in Arc city.

Even being the fastest person on earth still doesn't give unlimited stamina and she had now resorted to hiding. lying on her belly in the thick undergrowth she tried desperatly to keep her breathing steady and quite without suffocating herself. it was only a matter of time before they caught up to her, and she hoped they would pass and leave her free to flee in the opposite direction.

This however did not happen. She had been waiting so long for a sign that she might be safe, she accidentally dozed off. Whether it was the tracks she had left, the loud occasianal gasps for breath or maybe even snoring. They had found her. She did not wake up from whatever dream she was dreaming but slept on forever still clutching the loaf of bread that held the diamond she had desired so badly. She was found three weeks later by local authorities the autopsy said she was an unidentified girl, who had died from bloodloss due to a bullet lodged in her shoulder.

Please crit.

[brain132]

Her bones ached and she could not move without extreme pain. She had been running at full pelt for hours now. Trying to get away from the men chasing her.

This is a sentence. Replace the period with a comma.

Pretty good. The ending upset me but in a good way. So was the diamond hidden in the loaf of bread when she found it?