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Thread: Random and Somewhat Morbid Peom

  1. #1
    7 8 9 Member Kirikou's Avatar
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    Post Random and Somewhat Morbid Peom

    In a garden I lie
    Motionless
    Silent

    Not a sound
    Across this meadow
    where crimson roses
    lay scattered
    like freshly spilled blood
    the air
    reeks of death

    My eyes close
    to endless darkness

    ------
    So um, what did you guys think? I scratch down ideas sometimes when one hits my head, so this one is my latest. I'm a bit happy with it. There's a place above where you can vote, but comment if you want to critique, which is gladly accepted.

  2. #2
    Ying Yang Member kine's Avatar
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    That was really good, although I can't really write poems so I can't give any critique.

  3. #3
    Sir-Mass-a-Lot Sylux's Avatar
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    If you're like 10 years old then this is okay. Otherwise, it's very uncreative and cliche. You should work on originality.

  4. #4
    Super Senior Member Celestial-Fox's Avatar
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    Hey Sylux. Don't be a jerk.

  5. #5
    Super Senior Member Delphinus's Avatar
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    He's telling the truth though.
    Quote Originally Posted by Fenn
    You forgot your F in Modesty.

  6. #6
    Fenn
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sylux View Post
    If you're like 10 years old then this is okay. Otherwise, it's very uncreative and cliche. You should work on originality.
    Irrelevant. Clock already established the fact that originality is impossible.

  7. #7
    Super Senior Member Delphinus's Avatar
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    Fenn you didn't understand that conversation if you think that it applies to what Sylux is saying here

    If you think that saying "you utilise too many clichés and use predictable, rather than expressive, word combinations in an attempt to sound meaningful when you have very little meaning to convey; in addition, your imagery is incohesive and thus ineffective; are you trying to show the horrific side of death: 'like blood', or the peaceful side of death: 'motionless, silent'; poems are hard work and require a lot of revision for the poet to select the right words, you can't just 'scratch down ideas' and hope for the best when writing poetry, it's the hardest and most underestimated form of literature" (my brief critique) is the same as saying "HERP DERP THIS IS SIMILAR TO SOMETHING I READ" (what Clock was arguing against people opposing) then I have nothing to say to you.
    Quote Originally Posted by Fenn
    You forgot your F in Modesty.

  8. #8
    Fenn
    Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by Delphinus View Post
    Fenn you didn't understand that conversation if you think that it applies to what Sylux is saying here

    If you think that saying "you utilise too many clichés and use predictable, rather than expressive, word combinations in an attempt to sound meaningful when you have very little meaning to convey; in addition, your imagery is incohesive and thus ineffective; are you trying to show the horrific side of death: 'like blood', or the peaceful side of death: 'motionless, silent'; poems are hard work and require a lot of revision for the poet to select the right words, you can't just 'scratch down ideas' and hope for the best when writing poetry, it's the hardest and most underestimated form of literature" (my brief critique) is the same as saying "HERP DERP THIS IS SIMILAR TO SOMETHING I READ" (what Clock was arguing against people opposing) then I have nothing to say to you.
    If you refer to that thread I actually argued against Clock. I know exactly what you and Sylux mean, I think my sarcasm production systems are malfunctioning.

  9. #9
    Sir-Mass-a-Lot Sylux's Avatar
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    Oh okay.

    But yeah kid just focus on reading some good literature - and lots of it - instead of the junky little poems they give you inside your Literature books in school. Poetry should have as much prose influence as lyrical sorts. Might I suggest some radically different viewpoints like cosmicism to write about? It's quite horrific and a fairly new concept in popular writings, probably sourcing only back to the late 1800s - early 1900s.

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