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Thread: Tag's Light-Novel "Hanako" ( W.I.P)

  1. #51
    Super Senior Member Celestial-Fox's Avatar
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    SPOILER! :


    Passive voice:
    She became angered by the situation.

    Active:
    The situation angered her.

    As a rule, active voice is more engaging than passive. In journalism, writing must be 100% in active. In fiction, passive voice is allowed sometimes for artistic styling. Just try to avoid it as much as you can.
    Last edited by Celestial-Fox; 12-25-2012 at 03:54 AM.

  2. #52
    Regular Member tag654's Avatar
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    Ok Thanks Celes.

    Are their certain phrases I should stay away for them,like...

    Became _____ , were _____

    And in what text are the above words in,as in adjetive,etc. Again thanks the reply Celes. Waiting for Matt,or yourself to help me with the other twoi matters and I should be good for awhile.

    Happy Holidays,Merry Christmas

  3. #53
    Super Senior Member Celestial-Fox's Avatar
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    Active sentence structure is {subject} {verb} {object}.
    Sally walked the dog.

    Passive structure is {object} {verb} {subject}.
    The dog was walked by Sally.

    The Mystics*** were exterminated not too long after the clash of the two beings,in a war that lasted roughly one-hundred years.
    *** "Mythics"?
    This complex sentence could be simply punctuated differently to be active. However, changing the wording makes it easier to read. The active rewording for this passage is as follows:
    The two beings clashed in a century-long war, which exterminated the Mystics shortly thereafter.

    The "they were named" sentence is actually in active voice. However, it's improperly punctuated with a comma splice, which is making Word believe there is a problem. Change the comma before "they" to a period, and the issue is fixed.
    Last edited by Celestial-Fox; 12-26-2012 at 09:35 AM.

  4. #54
    Regular Member tag654's Avatar
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    Exclamation Last of the hard stuff,I promise :P

    Ok,I now fully understand passive and active voices,Thanks for going into more detail :P

    And Crap,Im still no where near as good as you guys are when it comes to formatting a sentence right... ~Sigh lol,Thanks though.

    And I did what you said with Word,and yeah,you're right.Changing the comma fixed it.


    And lastly is the Time/setting situation with the story,and from there Ill think ill be good toe edit alone and then I might come back when I feel its good enough to be seen by an editor or so,idk.


    *UPDATE* 1/9/2013 ~ Been waiting to see if someone can help with the bolded area above,but to no avail have my question been answered,sadly.

    Hopefully someone will

    Also,about boarding schools,how do they work?

    Would it be right to have a man be part of an organization that covers as a place where kids of "poverty" can stay like an orphanage but also go to school?

    Like would this idea be reasonable,why or why not? Thanks
    Last edited by tag654; 01-09-2013 at 11:10 PM.

  5. #55
    Regular Member tag654's Avatar
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    My bad for double posting(updating the thread),want to write some more of my novel, (^.^ )/

    But Im a very big procrastinator,and when I cant solve something,I ask for help....and when no help is given and I cant solve the problem,I put it off until the above happens,which is probably a bad habit,but hopefully you(viewers) get my delima.If someone can please work with me on solutions to the 2 above problems,Ill be good to write again lol.

  6. #56
    Super Senior Member Celestial-Fox's Avatar
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    If you let the small things stop you in the beginning, you'll surely never finish. No draft is perfect, and yours is no exception. I suggest you write on your own for a bit to answer your own questions.

  7. #57
    Regular Member tag654's Avatar
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    Exclamation

    @Celes Your right.So,I did exactly that...after I posted I went and finished my "Chapter". Though I have no clue when to put a chapter exactly...but to me,I'm sure I placed it right.I went through and changed alot of things,the "time" situation will be worked out later,though I still cant think of anything,though I might soon.

    So,without further a due,this below is my draft,unfinished,maybe very horrible,first chapter along with its prologue,enjoy!

    [EDITED]
    Last edited by tag654; 10-05-2013 at 12:21 AM.

  8. #58
    101 Dalmations Member Ceta's Avatar
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    The writing style that you have used for conveying scenes and actions probably works in scripts, but doesn't work in novels. For instance,

    We now see him thank the doctor, and as the doctor walks away, we see the man open the door in front of him titled “Room 117” .
    is very awkward to read. It's like you're speaking to the audience as if you're a director trying to convey the scene to a cameraman or someone working on a storyboard for a movie. I highly suggest picking up a novel and reading through it to see how professional writers convey their thoughts and scenes. While you probably don't need to read it all the way through, you should at least read enough to understand why their method of writing works and why your method/style currently doesn't.

    If you have the time, though, I highly recommend checking out different writers, not just one, to see how they handle the situations they bring about in their works. Mixing styles generally tends to make things more interesting (depends on the styles and your ability to adapt to using them), not to mention allows you to gain more inspiration for your work. I wish I could recommend some authors to check out, but I haven't read any books in English in a long time. However, I'm sure that if you ask around there are many members here that will gladly assist you.


    On another note, I wanted to mention that you should really consider dropping the prologue. It contains so much information that I think would be better to distribute at various points of the story. To me, dropping all that information in the beginning seems unnecessary and makes for a pretty lousy hook. A good storyteller can convey the settings and the histories within the story itself without having to force the information like that. If you're going to write in a prologue, write in a scenario/situation that would hook the reader. For instance, something that would foreshadow the things to come without really giving anything away or spoiling the reading experience. Of course, in my opinion, having a prologue is optional and not really necessary unless you're absolutely positive that it will contain something that will hook the reader in. In this case, from what I can see, you don't need it.
    Last edited by Ceta; 01-19-2013 at 09:07 AM. Reason: Added an additional point.
    よろしく

  9. #59
    Regular Member tag654's Avatar
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    @Ceta Thanks for commenting,It seems not many people wish to help me out with this,and help me correct my mistakes,so I thank you.

    Yes,I know about the switch of writing style there,I was a bit "iffy" on what to say on that part,but I let it go so someone could tell me why it would be wrong as you have.

    Yes,I know I have to read more books,Its just Im not as big as I was awhile ago.When I was like 10-13 books were the best,I used to read the harry potter series and other fantasy~series books,along those ages,as that was the only genre I liked.Though,for some reason Im not as good as analyzing text as I am reading it for the story.This may because im just a new this new world of literature ive entered,but hopefully I can get better.Though looking at literature might be the hardest part now,because as ive said,I used to be an avid reader back then,but now im 17 and I dont read and such like that anymore.

    Though I think Matt or Celest. suggested some titles in a previous post,in which ill find later.

    Also,about my prologue,your probably right...I think the second half of the prologue is necessary,Not so much the first,though i have yet to think of where I could put that information. Ahhhhhhhh....This is why I need some professional help or a mentor.Im the kind of person who needs like a coach or something to push myself. Actually I think I should just find myself a willing editor,though I dont think I know of any besides Celes.

    :<

    Anyways thanks Ceta....I think I might just having to revise "Chapter 1" over and over until its literate enough to pass professionally lol.

    By the way,Did I do my quotes right?I tried using your advise @Matt / @Celes :L


    *** OH,and if I decide to go the manga route,this here would be good enough,no? I wouldnt have to be as detailed as with this novel format right? Hence easier,no? ***
    Last edited by tag654; 01-20-2013 at 04:29 PM.

  10. #60
    101 Dalmations Member Ceta's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by tag654 View Post
    @Ceta Thanks for commenting,It seems not many people wish to help me out with this,and help me correct my mistakes,so I thank you.
    I think the biggest problem that people face when helping others with their writing is that they often feel the need to correct the writing style of the person rather than provide proof-reading/basic tips. Giving help is one thing, but you can only go so far before you start influencing the style of the writer. It's difficult to know where to draw the line when helping someone so I think that's one of the reasons why you're not getting help. Another would be that some members feel you as part of the competition and would rather let you fail than help you succeed. Personally, I don't mind helping but I feel I can only go so far before it's up to you to figure things out on your own.

    Yes,I know about the switch of writing style there,I was a bit "iffy" on what to say on that part,but I let it go so someone could tell me why it would be wrong as you have.
    I think this is one of those things where you probably could have just figured it out on your own rather than hope that someone would point it out to you. This is just my thinking, however.

    Yes,I know I have to read more books,Its just Im not as big as I was awhile ago.When I was like 10-13 books were the best,I used to read the harry potter series and other fantasy~series books,along those ages,as that was the only genre I liked.Though,for some reason Im not as good as analyzing text as I am reading it for the story.This may because im just a new this new world of literature ive entered,but hopefully I can get better.Though looking at literature might be the hardest part now,because as ive said,I used to be an avid reader back then,but now im 17 and I dont read and such like that anymore.
    No matter how old you get, reading will always be important. Even more so if you wish to become a writer. As with beginner artists who trace/copy the works of their favorite professional artists before branching out with their own style, you, too, need to start getting into the works of writers who write in the same genre as you wish to get into or other genres which you think would be close to what you want to include in your own work. Because you've been reading just as a casual reader all this time, you'll need to train your mind to see more than just the words on the paper. You'll need to read much deeper, to figure out why something worked (or why it didn't) and build from there. It'll take time and may delay you a bit -- depending on whether you're good at scheduling or not -- but you'll eventually get it.

    If you feel you need a little bit more structured guidance, however, visit your local library or bookstore. I'm sure you'll find plenty of interesting resources that will aide you in writing.

    Also,about my prologue,your probably right...I think the second half of the prologue is necessary,Not so much the first,though i have yet to think of where I could put that information.
    I'm sure you'll find a way; it'll just take some time and thought.

    This is why I need some professional help or a mentor.Im the kind of person who needs like a coach or something to push myself. Actually I think I should just find myself a willing editor,though I dont think I know of any besides Celes.
    While I agree with having someone proof-reading/editing your work, I don't know if it's really necessary to go to the extent of getting a coach or something of that nature. Seems like a bit of overkill to me, not to mention it gets back to what I was mentioning earlier about the influencing of one's style. Of course, I'm not trying to stop you or anything like that so, if you truly think you need one, go for it.

    Anyways thanks Ceta....I think I might just having to revise "Chapter 1" over and over until its literate enough to pass professionally lol.
    No problem. It'll take quite a bit of time, effort and practice before you start finding your "voice" but just keep at it until you do. Rather than rewriting the same thing over and over, though, you should take a small time out and write some short stories -- nothing lengthy, mind you, just a couple pages or so in length -- to help you practice. If you rewrite the same thing over and over, you'll get bored or, at the worst, feel like you'll never get it right and quite possibly end up dropping the project.


    *** OH,and if I decide to go the manga route,this here would be good enough,no? I wouldnt have to be as detailed as with this novel format right? Hence easier,no? ***
    In a way, yes; for the most part, however, no it's not. You'll need to reformat what you've written a lot in order to make it comic-ready.
    よろしく

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