Reply With Quoteoh ok,thanks....I just didnt know....It seems its taking a long time due to the way the process is layed out {written-then art}
lol,Ill try it the other way next time XD
Ligh Novel
Manga
Both at the same time I reckon, you don't have to draw charatcers out fully but doing quick sketches with notes will help you visualise people and places better as you wright. A picture paint a thousand words as they say. You could do an an entire script all at once, I've tried this, but I've found it to be quite a labourious process. You could do a storyboard, quick sketches of your panels/pages to get an idea of how they'll be layed out and have the speech written next to each page and use that as a 'script' . Alterentaivly you could type/write it up in movie script fashion and draw doodle next to your typing. Either way I think both at the same time is a good idea.
oh ok,thanks....I just didnt know....It seems its taking a long time due to the way the process is layed out {written-then art}
lol,Ill try it the other way next time XD
So, here is my small excerpt... If you wish to read more, let me know. The names "Hex", and ""Plex" are just placeholding names,so they may or may not be the names I will use.
10,000 years ago, there was an ancient civilization (much like real life today), but they were not a technologically advanced. These people had special abilities within us though. To unlock these abilities, the people searched for an answer until Six Very Unusual gems were found, and a break through on unlocking this inner power was upon these people.Though,In the distance, another world was fated for disaster and came here as a last resort. Seeing them as the Aliens, we retaliated to them, even though they wanted peace. And with their technology they wiped the existence of "Humans”, off the earth and became the new species and the gems that were on the verge of being used to their potential, were long forgotten.
- Present day - twenty years before the coma -
There is a society who still holds information on what had happened in the past. Though this organization was in secret they were are called the Plex.
And due to unknown reasons the most of the group split up and left. One man founded a corporation called HEX and used this info steal and use it to search for the gems of power. Eventually they were found, but HEX couldn’t access this power, as only the REAL humans could.
So they started trying to re-make the REAL "humans" and get them to use this power....and they also felt a bit guilty for what would happen next...
- Hanako's Birth - The Incident
Darkness,
"Doctor is she ok, can I see her"
“Yes, but try not to wake your wife, she’s done a lot so far"
We don't see the man’s face....
Last edited by tag654; 11-17-2012 at 10:20 PM.
THE STORYLINE -
Hanako - Only 8 years old, lives with her mom, which is poor due to the town’s smallness. We see the mother start checking everywhere as she’s rummaging through some old stuff and she tears up. We see here pull out a old ad looking paper and shows hanako after wiping tears from her eyes.
"What does this look like to you hanako”, smiling as she says it
"Um...A Summer Camp!” she replies fascinated
"Uh, yes....it’s a summer camp! Would you like to go there?!"
"yes, yes" hanako says
"Ok then"
Hanako smiles
.The next day hanako gets ready to leave she is smiling while packing some of her belongings and her Mother waiting by the door, and she says
"I hope you know what you’re doing, Sky”, while looking up.
Hanako is able to understand that she's going somewhere, like a summer camp or something but it's actually her mother giving her up for money, It’s just her mom though, Hanako was told her father is dead from a "car crash”. So she walks out the door and skips
"Saying Summer Camp, Summer Camp"
And her mother pulling something out of her pocket and tells hanako...
"Wait Hanako, here...I forgot to give this to you"
"Always keep this in, ok...?"
"Ok Mom"
"You pinky swear?"
*Hanako looks at her mother and puts on the necklace, and says...I pinky promise."
After her mother couldn't see her, she gets handed the money...and she tells them..
"just keep her safe, got that”, in a serious tone....
That's all I wish to present people with thus far.
"Guard smirks and says...well keep her nice and safe"
I know we're not supposed to reply to threads this old, but I imagine you'd want feedback just like any other writer.
SPOILER! :
Whew. It's 5:00 AM, I've been up all night, and my fingers just don't want to hit the right keys anymore. Please don't take any of that feedback personally. It's all meant to help you grow and improve and eventually succeed in epic proportions. All writers have to go through criticism, and those who accept it and learn from it become that much better for it.
HAHA,OMG Matt Your Amazing. :P
And yeah...Ill definitely get better with that.Ive only started writing/scripting for about a month,I haven't really practiced or studied it,to really know how things are,for instance,when you said the thing about the difference between "..." and "....", No Clue. But yeah,I'm definitely trying,The only reference I'm using is a SwordArt Online Pdf,Since I envy the series itself. Though the problem with SwordArt Online,is that it speaks as the characters instead of how im trying to do it,which is...I'm guessing more of a 3rd person,to 1srt person,idk my terms...Ill show you an example
He was walking in the woods when a spider touched him.
"What the Hell",He screamed.
Jenny looked at him saying,
"Suck it up punk",she said,smirking to herself.
Idk,maybe you can tell me what I'm going for as far as view point.
But yeah,I was wondering if you weren't busy,if you could mentor me and help me out.I really want to improve,and I know this might sound a bit far fetched,but...
I wanna get published by May,giving me about 5-6 months to pull this off.Making this story into something,is my dream,one that I can see come true.And I think,If you were to help me,I can make that dream come true,and you wouldnt regret it.
Also,I much appreciate your taking the time to do that(Your above post)...And sorry for me being late,Just been busy,school and stuff.
Anyways,This is what I have so far,as far as a Prolouge...Though this was before I looked at your post,so yeah,excuse the errors and such,but this is to story the story development into the actual story,
== Prologue ==
10,000 years ago, there was an ancient civilization, much like real life today, but they were not a technologically advanced. These people had special abilities within us though. To unlock these abilities, the people searched for an answer until Six Very Unique Rocks were found, and a breakthrough on unlocking this inner power was upon these people.Though,In the distance, another world was fated for disaster and came here as a last resort. Seeing them as the Aliens, we retaliated to them, even though they wanted peace. And with their technology they wiped the existence of "Humans”, off the earth and became the new species and the gems that were on the verge of being used to their potential, were long forgotten.
== Present day == Twenty Years Ago
There is a society who still holds information on what had happened in the past. Though this organization was in secret they were are called The Plax.
And due to unknown reasons the most of the group split up and left. One man founded a corporation called HEX and used this info steal and use it to search for the gems of power. Eventually they were found, but HEX couldn’t access this power, as only the Real humans could.
So they started trying to re-make the Real "humans" and get them to use this power....and they also felt a bit guilty for what would happen next...
== Hanako's Birth == The Incident
Darkness, Nothing but darkness. The whispers of voices could be heard, very faint but steadily rising. When the voices hit their climax, they were very clear, but still, in darkness.
"Doctor is she ok, can I see her?” a worried man’s asked.
“Yes, but try not to wake your wife, she’s done a lot so far.", another man says in reply to the other.
We don't see the man’s face, but we can see the bright yellowish-tan hairs on his chin. We also see that the place is a hospital, it’s bright. The man’s expression to the words, of the doctor, as we can see now, was of happiness, and of relief.
"Also, your wife wanted to name her Hanako", says the doctor, checking his clipboard and looking up at the man.
“Hanako huh? She sure knows how to pick names. I like it, h-a-n-a-k-o.”, the man says as he walks into a room.
We now see him thank the doctor, and as the doctor walks away, we see the man open the door in front of him titled “Room 117”. There is a woman in a hospital bed, and on the women there is a lively young baby Hanako. The Heart Monitor beeps steadily assuring him she is healthy and that nothing is wrong. He slowly puts his hand on her head and softly and yet gently moves his hand over hers and grasps it tightly, yet not to tight. He slides his hand over hers, and we see that they are married looking at the rings that both of the share.
“Congratulations, Monika. You’ve gave birth to the most beautiful child ever”, he whispered to her.
The young baby Hanako, just laid there, quietly looking at the man, as he gently rubbed her face. The man smiles and tears up. He wipes away them, but they’re tears of happiness, so he’s not ashamed.
Young Hanako then looks at him oddly and noticing this man a bit confused not knows what to expect. She then burps and relieved the man goes back to rubbing Hanako softly on the forehead and holding his wife’s hand, but then something unexpected happens. Hanako’s eyes then turn an outlined purple glow. Her body starts to form an outer ring of purple and pink and shocked the man sharply gets away and is frightened not knowing how to respond. He tries to move forward, but cant. It’s almost as if they were an impenetrable wall in front of him, not allowing him to go any further. So, as his first response, the man tries to outwit this barrier by using force. The man runs back and tries to run at this barrier. As he smashes into it, he notices that he didn’t budge it one bit. Suddenly, Hanako’s eyes get brighter, and her hair starts to stand up, almost as if there were tiny strings holding them up, and waving on them. The man then feels a gut wrenching pain, in which he can’t understand, the man then with incredible strength get knocked back into the wall next to the door. The wall is not dented; the man is bleeding, and hurt, but not likely to die. The man looks up to see that the Heart Monitor is moving faster, meaning his wife’s heartbeat was raising somehow. He slowly stood up, feeling where his ribs were, he seems to have cracked a few, maybe broken one. In pain, he stares at his child, not knowing what to say, or even, what to do. After he stands all the way up, he can see that Hanako now looks normal. She doesn’t have the glow to her anymore; the barrier isn’t there either as he puts his hand out. The man is too scared to get any further to his child, or his wife, whose heart rate is now normal. Hanako then starts crying, and footsteps down the hallway can be heard, because the impact from the man on the wall was quite loud for someone not to hear. The man then looks at his wife, who looks like she’s about to wake up, as her eye lids slowly open. The door the rapidly opens, and two doctors comes in, looking around to see the baby crying, the wife awake, and the man by the door.
"What was that noise?” the older doctor asks.
The man hesitantly points at the child of his and very shakily runs out. Looking at his wife on the way out and his child, which had just been born, he keeps running with slowly running tears from his eyes.
“Wait, Sir, what happened here?” yell the doctors as they are running after him.
"Sky?” the woman says as she slowly opens her eyes, but then falls back asleep.
I'd be wary of using a fan-translated PDF as a reference. Do you have an original English book you could use? I'd trust something a lot more if it went through a professional publisher rather than fans who are generally not even out of high school or college (and if they are out of college, they're probably real editors, and probably don't have time to edit fan-translated light novels).
Everything said above applies to me as well, by the way. I'm not an editor. I'm a college student who happens to like English.
-
You asked about tense and point of view, so here's a quick overview:
First-person, past-tense:
First-person, present-tense:I watched in silence as the cat rolled absently down the stairs.
Second-person, past-tense:I watch in silence as the cat rolls absently down the stairs.
Second-person, present-tense:You woke up Saturday morning and noticed your bed was on the moon.
Third-person, past-tense:You wake up Saturday morning and notice your bed is on the moon.
Third-person, present-tense:She jumped from the log and off the train. She hit the ground hard, heard a snap, rolled, and hit a tree.
I can help you, but I can't sign on as a full-time editor or anything because I am employed. First of all, you should really study English and get better at it. Read a lot of English books--both in your preferred genre and not--and practice a whole ton. It's never enough. I've clocked in six years so far and I'm not published yet.She jumps from the log and off the train. She hits the ground hard, hears a snap, rolls, and hits a tree.
I'll get back to you on the new content in a bit.
Yea I know,I just need a mentor,just help me with some of the basics,not so much an editor :P
And yea,thanks for clearing that up,I guess my writing style is clearly 3rd person... though what does "psuedo" mean when you said like psuedo third person? :O
Also,what do you mean by fan-translated? Shouldnt it still be formatted the same? It looks well written so Idk...
Last edited by tag654; 12-23-2012 at 12:15 AM.
"Pseudo" means "not genuine," and can be attached to plenty of words. For example, pseudo-code is stuff that looks like code, but isn't really (and that won't run if you plug it into a compiler). I was actually wrong to say pseudo first-person back there. You used "we" in the narration, and that's first-person, implying it's you along with someone else you're referring to.
Fan-translated stuff is simply translated by fans, usually not for profit--and no, the format isn't quite the same. I had a look at the Sword Art Online light novel (first one that came up on Google after typing "Sword Art Online PDF"). While I can't comment on the quality of the story, having only read the first page, I can comment on the translator's English skills. Let's have a look:
SPOILER! :
In short, the translation for Sword Art Online--at least the first page--is not good. I've actually been wanting to read it for awhile, but reading this, I remember why I was so wary of light novels in the first place. I don't know how good the story and characters are--presumably pretty darn good, based on the reviews--but the translation is bad.
If you have access to Amazon wherever you live, go on there and read the preview pages of whatever books you can find. If you have actual books in English, that's even better.
*** the use of "we" isn't first-person, unless the narrator is a character in the actual plot. Otherwise, the use of "you"/"we" is traditionally second-person (a rarely used narration style) because it breaches the fourth wall and refers to the reader.
Although, in Matt's critique, he was correct (at least by what I have perceived in the excerpt) by saying it was first-person. I just thought I'd throw in that comment as a heads-up in the future.
Also, gahahaha, Matt warned you about "My Immortal." So perfect. It really is awful. But it boosts your self-esteem in writing.
Aaand lastly, you can't expect someone to edit/mentor for free. A good editor is a mentor. And that is a paid job. I am employed as an editor for a newspaper, and it's hard work. I spend at least 40 minutes doing the first round of edits on a 500-word article, and I send it back to the author for revisions. Then I look at it or or two more times, and by then, the work has lost anywhere between 90 and 70% of its original length.
Being an editor is time-consuming, and unless you're willing to pay, it's very difficult to find someone willing to tear up your work for free. Consider finding a writing group or a buddy so you can mutually critique each other's works. Matt and I have been doing it for the last couple years, perhaps, but even still, our contact with each other is spotty at times, because life is busy. Even though we are friends, it just takes a bunch of work to do that kind of stuff, and real life has to take priority at times—especially when pay isn't involved.
Last edited by Celestial-Fox; 12-23-2012 at 05:46 AM.
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