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Thread: Tag's Light-Novel "Hanako" ( W.I.P)

  1. #31
    Fifty Fifty Member Evil_Cake's Avatar
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    no

  2. #32
    Devilish Member Slurpee's Avatar
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    So much reading o_o

  3. #33
    Sir-Mass-a-Lot Sylux's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Evil_Cake View Post
    no
    ^
    .

  4. #34
    Regular Member tag654's Avatar
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    @slurpee yea,sorry....

    Also,Which do you guys think is easier:
    Starting with the story then the art(Which Im doing with my co-writer) or the art then story?

    Just for future refrences...

  5. #35
    Ying Yang Member Peteman's Avatar
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    Both at the same time I reckon, you don't have to draw charatcers out fully but doing quick sketches with notes will help you visualise people and places better as you wright. A picture paint a thousand words as they say. You could do an an entire script all at once, I've tried this, but I've found it to be quite a labourious process. You could do a storyboard, quick sketches of your panels/pages to get an idea of how they'll be layed out and have the speech written next to each page and use that as a 'script' . Alterentaivly you could type/write it up in movie script fashion and draw doodle next to your typing. Either way I think both at the same time is a good idea.

  6. #36
    Regular Member tag654's Avatar
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    oh ok,thanks....I just didnt know....It seems its taking a long time due to the way the process is layed out {written-then art}

    lol,Ill try it the other way next time XD

  7. #37
    Regular Member tag654's Avatar
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    So, here is my small excerpt... If you wish to read more, let me know. The names "Hex", and ""Plex" are just placeholding names,so they may or may not be the names I will use.


    10,000 years ago, there was an ancient civilization (much like real life today), but they were not a technologically advanced. These people had special abilities within us though. To unlock these abilities, the people searched for an answer until Six Very Unusual gems were found, and a break through on unlocking this inner power was upon these people.Though,In the distance, another world was fated for disaster and came here as a last resort. Seeing them as the Aliens, we retaliated to them, even though they wanted peace. And with their technology they wiped the existence of "Humans”, off the earth and became the new species and the gems that were on the verge of being used to their potential, were long forgotten.

    [EDITED]
    Last edited by tag654; 10-05-2013 at 12:34 AM.

  8. #38
    One Thousand Member Matt's Avatar
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    I know we're not supposed to reply to threads this old, but I imagine you'd want feedback just like any other writer.

    SPOILER! :

    You claim to be a writer, at least more so than you are an artist, but your basic grammar and sentence structure need a lot of work. If you're not a native English speaker, this is totally understandable. But before you go on and try to publish a novel, light novel, or manga, you should definitely study hard and learn everything you can about the language you'll be writing in. For example, take a look at my re-write of what you wrote:

    Yours
    10,000 years ago, there was an ancient civilization (much like real life today), but they were not a technologically advanced. These people had special abilities within us though. To unlock these abilities, the people searched for an answer until Six Very Unusual gems were found, and a break through on unlocking this inner power was upon these people.Though,In the distance, another world was fated for disaster and came here as a last resort. Seeing them as the Aliens, we retaliated to them, even though they wanted peace. And with their technology they wiped the existence of "Humans”, off the earth and became the new species and the gems that were on the verge of being used to their potential, were long forgotten.
    Mine
    Ten thousand years ago, there was a civilization not quite as techy as us. Instead of guns, they had abilities--but only a few people displayed them. Researchers figured out that everyone had the potential to have such abilities. Unfortunately, no one knew how to unlock these abilities--until the people discovered six unusual gems. With the six gems, they managed to unlock a bit of the powers inside everyone.

    Another world was nearing its end at around that time. Desperate, its occupants fled and landed on the world mentioned in the previous paragraph. The civilains perceived the refugees as aliens and opened the hostilities with their newly-unlocked abilities. But they were no match for the "aliens." In a battle to protect themselves, the "aliens" fought hard, pitting their technology against the humans' abilities, and before they knew it, they'd accidentally wiped out the entire human race.

    The aliens rebuilt civilization and lived in place of the dead humans. However, as they'd so easily defeated the ability users, they thought nothing of the six crystals. They were forgotten before anyone had even scratched the surface of their potential.
    First of all, you should break it into more than one paragraph for clarity. Secondly, some of the wording isn't very clear. I had to read the last bit a few times to realize that the aliens had won, because you'd never actually defined the first group as humans. Thirdly, you're switching between "we" and "they"--between pseudo-first-person and third-person. Pick one and stick with it. Capitalizing random words like Six Very Unusual gems is painful to read when the words shouldn't be capitalized (and they shouldn't). If they had a proper name, such as Chekov's Gems, that would warrant capitalization (though I'd still be wary because fantasy and its subgenres are already notorious for overuse of proper nouns).

    Speaking of Chekov's Gems, do you know what Chekov's Gun is? It's an old literature trope: if you put the gun on the mantlepiece in the first act, you have to shoot it eventually (and ideally, it shouldn't miss). So these people take Chekov's Gems, unlock awesome new powers--and proceed to be completely slaughtered? As much as I love seeing that kind of anticlimax in a back story, killing off an entire sentient species is harder than that.

    And now to your next post, #44:

    Hanako - Only 8 years old, lives with her mom, which is poor due to the town’s smallness. We see the mother start checking everywhere as she’s rummaging through some old stuff and she tears up. We see here pull out a old ad looking paper and shows hanako after wiping tears from her eyes.
    Poorness is caused by small towns? Professor Google and I beg to differ.

    "What does this look like to you hanako”, smiling as she says it
    "What does this look like to you, Hanako?" she asks with a smile. That's the correct way to put it. You use a comma within dialogue when a speaker pauses, as most people would where I placed it, and in dialogue, a question ends with a question mark inside the quotation marks. You don't follow that with a verb like "smiling," but a speaker tag, such as "she said," or "she asked."

    "Um...A Summer Camp!” she replies fascinated
    "A summer camp!" she replies, fascinated. Though "um" is realistic, it's distracting and should usually be removed from literature unless the character is really indecisive. Also, a comma goes between "replies" and "fascinated." Try saying it with the comma in there and not in there. See which one sounds more natural.

    "Uh, yes....it’s a summer camp! Would you like to go there?!"
    Use three periods to trail off with the intention of continuing later, four to trail off with no intention of continuing. Also, I may be hanging around really honest people and really good liars, but in nearly nineteen years, I have yet to hear a single person deliver a lie this awkward and forced--and I've heard literally thousands of lies. A more natural line would be, "That's right. Would you like to go?" Lastly, the double punctuation (?!) is honestly painful to look at. Don't punctuate your punctuation. The question mark-exclamation point combination is borderline acceptable in comics, and almost never in anything else. Even where it's acceptable, a single question mark or exclamation point is better.

    "yes, yes" hanako says
    "Yes! Yes!" Hanako says, or "Yes!" Hanako says. "Yes!" Remember your capitalization. Names are always capitalized. Hanako is no exception. Also, I'd change the comma to an exclamation point because the comma makes Hanako sound really unenthusiastic about it.

    "Ok then"
    "Okay then."

    Hanako smiles
    Where'd your period go?

    .The next day hanako gets ready to leave she is smiling while packing some of her belongings and her Mother waiting by the door, and she says
    Oh, there it is. On-topic, this sentence is an inelegant run-on and needs to be chopped up: The next day, Hanako gets ready to leave, already in high spirits. As she packs her belongings, her mom waits by the door. Looking up, the woman says,

    "I hope you know what you’re doing, Sky”, while looking up.
    Remember, commas go in the quotation marks, and "while looking up" is not a proper dialogue tag. "She says, looking up" is.

    Hanako is able to understand that she's going somewhere, like a summer camp or something but it's actually her mother giving her up for money, It’s just her mom though, Hanako was told her father is dead from a "car crash”. So she walks out the door and skips
    Hanako thinks she's going to a summer camp, but her mom is selling her. Oblivious, she skips out the door.
    The rest of the exposition feels completely unnatural in this paragraph. What in the world does Hanako's dad have to do with her mom giving her up for money. "It's just her mom, though" doesn't make any sense. It implies that her dad would never dream of selling her, but her dad isn't even present. Then you skip back to Hanako, and this is clunky at best.

    "Saying Summer Camp, Summer Camp"
    She sings, "Summer camp, summer camp!"

    And her mother pulling something out of her pocket and tells hanako...
    But isn't she already skipping away? Anyway, Her mother pulls something from her pocket and calls out to Hanako.

    "Wait Hanako, here...I forgot to give this to you"
    "Hanako! Wait! Take this." In general, keep your dialogue short and pointed unless you've got a long-winded character or something that needs explaining.

    "Always keep this in, ok...?"
    "Promise me you'll keep this." This should go up with the rest of Mom's dialogue. You start a new paragraph for a new speaker, not a new sentence for the same speaker.

    "Ok Mom"
    "Okay, Mom."

    "You pinky swear?"
    This works.

    *Hanako looks at her mother and puts on the necklace, and says...I pinky promise."
    I'm going to assume that asterisk was a mistake. Even so, you need to keep dialogue in quotation marks and narration out.
    Hanako smiles at her mother and puts on the necklace. "Pinky promise," she says.
    You should previously establish that this thing is a necklace.

    After her mother couldn't see her, she gets handed the money...and she tells them..
    You need to describe where these money guys come from and where Hanako is running off to. It may be clear what's happening in your head, and yes, I can fill in the blanks, but I don't want to fill in this many blanks--blanks that writers are obligated to fill, such as where story-essential things, such as the money guys or Hanako's destination, are located.
    After Hanako rounds a corner and disappears from sight, two men cross the street from where they'd been watching by a streetlight and hand Hanako's mother a large stack of bills. She sighs.

    "just keep her safe, got that”, in a serious tone....
    "Keep her safe."
    "In a serious tone" is clunky and unnecessary.

    "Guard smirks and says...well keep her nice and safe"
    Oh, so it's just one guard. Woulda been nice to know that before. Or is not? All I know now is that there is a guard present. There could be more, but I don't know, because I don't have enough information to fill in that blank.
    The guard smirks. "Nice and safe, Ma'am."

    -

    I have an assignment for you, Tag. I don't know if you even live in a place where people speak English, since your "About Me" page says absolutely nothing, but here goes: go out with a notebook or your laptop or tablet and listen to conversations. Write down what you can, word for word. Add your own notes, such as "this guy is trying to sell this girl something" or "This girl wants this guy's attention and he's just not giving it to her." Mainly, you want to get a feel for the natural way people speak, as that's definitely a problem I noticed. You're not horrible. "Horrible" refers almost exclusively to the My Immortal Harry Potter fanfiction which I'll save you brain cells by not linking to. You need to improve, though, and the only ways to do that are to study, research, and write.

    I can't say much about the storyline itself, since you've disclosed next to nothing. Readers don't care about how this woman is so poor that she has to sell her daughter. They care what happens to the daughter after she's been sold and how the mother copes with the loss. The back of a book like this would give a summary of what challenges each person faces, not an introductory scene that is, quite honestly, boring. Without giving me a reason to care about either Hanako or her mom, you're essentially expecting me to feel invested enough in them to want to continue reading to find out what happens. But I don't care, because you haven't given me a reason to. This could be the start to nearly any story where the heroine was raised in poverty. Absolutely nothing makes it unique. You do have the back story written, but so far I see nothing linking the two--nor any reason to care about the back story, either.

    If you really want to engage me in a story, you have to give me more than a concept and some messy dialogue. I've seen all sorts of cool concepts in my time, but it's not the concepts that draw me into a story. No, concepts draw me into a game. Characters draw me into a story. You can have as many epic gun fights and sword fights and slave sales as you want, but at the end of the day, that all gets old and it's all been done before in some way or another. There's only one thing that will never get old: exploring the human condition; seeking answers, or at least explanations, to questions we've all asked at one point or another; seeking validation for our words and actions; seeking people like us, facing problems like we're facing; seeking extraordinary people facing the problems we face; seeking the different forms of love.

    -

    In short, give us a story and a reason to care. Not a concept.

    Whew. It's 5:00 AM, I've been up all night, and my fingers just don't want to hit the right keys anymore. Please don't take any of that feedback personally. It's all meant to help you grow and improve and eventually succeed in epic proportions. All writers have to go through criticism, and those who accept it and learn from it become that much better for it.

  9. #39
    Regular Member tag654's Avatar
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    Exclamation

    HAHA,OMG Matt Your Amazing. :P

    And yeah...Ill definitely get better with that.Ive only started writing/scripting for about a month,I haven't really practiced or studied it,to really know how things are,for instance,when you said the thing about the difference between "..." and "....", No Clue. But yeah,I'm definitely trying,The only reference I'm using is a SwordArt Online Pdf,Since I envy the series itself. Though the problem with SwordArt Online,is that it speaks as the characters instead of how im trying to do it,which is...I'm guessing more of a 3rd person,to 1srt person,idk my terms...Ill show you an example

    He was walking in the woods when a spider touched him.

    "What the Hell",He screamed.

    Jenny looked at him saying,

    "Suck it up punk",she said,smirking to herself.

    Idk,maybe you can tell me what I'm going for as far as view point.

    But yeah,I was wondering if you weren't busy,if you could mentor me and help me out.I really want to improve,and I know this might sound a bit far fetched,but...

    I wanna get published by May,giving me about 5-6 months to pull this off.Making this story into something,is my dream,one that I can see come true.And I think,If you were to help me,I can make that dream come true,and you wouldnt regret it.

    Also,I much appreciate your taking the time to do that(Your above post)...And sorry for me being late,Just been busy,school and stuff.

    Anyways,This is what I have so far,as far as a Prolouge...Though this was before I looked at your post,so yeah,excuse the errors and such,but this is to story the story development into the actual story,

    == Prologue ==

    10,000 years ago, there was an ancient civilization, much like real life today, but they were not a technologically advanced. These people had special abilities within us though. To unlock these abilities, the people searched for an answer until Six Very Unique Rocks were found, and a breakthrough on unlocking this inner power was upon these people.Though,In the distance, another world was fated for disaster and came here as a last resort. Seeing them as the Aliens, we retaliated to them, even though they wanted peace. And with their technology they wiped the existence of "Humans”, off the earth and became the new species and the gems that were on the verge of being used to their potential, were long forgotten.

    [EDITED]
    Last edited by tag654; 10-05-2013 at 12:36 AM.

  10. #40
    One Thousand Member Matt's Avatar
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    I'd be wary of using a fan-translated PDF as a reference. Do you have an original English book you could use? I'd trust something a lot more if it went through a professional publisher rather than fans who are generally not even out of high school or college (and if they are out of college, they're probably real editors, and probably don't have time to edit fan-translated light novels).

    Everything said above applies to me as well, by the way. I'm not an editor. I'm a college student who happens to like English.

    -

    You asked about tense and point of view, so here's a quick overview:

    First-person, past-tense:
    I watched in silence as the cat rolled absently down the stairs.
    First-person, present-tense:
    I watch in silence as the cat rolls absently down the stairs.
    Second-person, past-tense:
    You woke up Saturday morning and noticed your bed was on the moon.
    Second-person, present-tense:
    You wake up Saturday morning and notice your bed is on the moon.
    Third-person, past-tense:
    She jumped from the log and off the train. She hit the ground hard, heard a snap, rolled, and hit a tree.
    Third-person, present-tense:
    She jumps from the log and off the train. She hits the ground hard, hears a snap, rolls, and hits a tree.
    I can help you, but I can't sign on as a full-time editor or anything because I am employed. First of all, you should really study English and get better at it. Read a lot of English books--both in your preferred genre and not--and practice a whole ton. It's never enough. I've clocked in six years so far and I'm not published yet.

    I'll get back to you on the new content in a bit.

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