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  1. #1
    Junior Member Shuro's Avatar
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    Haven (Might change the name)

    Okay I have been writing a bit for my manga idea I thought up. So far I been writing out the chapters and this is what I came up so far. Please be patient with me as I am still new at writing. So anyways enjoy and critiques are nice, just don't hurt my feelings. :/

    Anyways here we are.

    Chapter one:
    We have a new student?!

    (Part 1)

    Each day I always feel like my life is spinning around in a circle. They call it Deja Vu, but how can such superstitious talk, be real? But sadly it must be real and I am living through it. I know I am probably being paranoid, but if people lived my life, then they wouldn’t be talking. I was feeling this way, since I was 8 years old, when the incidents, that change my life, happen.

    It all started when my family and I, lived in Castronia. My father was a researcher of the world, or architect if you will, so we would travel all over the world to the different nations, meeting new people, learning new cultures; things like that.

    If I had to remember when this whole deja vu mess started, I would probably say when we lived in Emerlyi. It was always stated that the land was magical and not many people inhabitant the area, due to the natural resources being limited. It was like God didn’t want this land to exist nor be touch. Really, magic? Even I find that ridiculous.

    Me, my mother and sister came here with my father to discover why this land was so…malnourish, would be a way to say it, I guess.

    After the long flight, we finally land in the low populated area. To my surprise the place almost felt like home. I went to a normal school, even though it wasn’t that many students here and I lived in a normal neighborhood, in a 2 floor single family home.

    Being the new kid, I would think that I wouldn’t make friends, but people seem very friendly, most likely because no one lives in this area. The population was about 1.2 million in the whole nation.

    I had a few, but very cool friends. There names were Sheryl, Nicholas, and Rai. And the thing is, they all came and asked to be my friends! Me being shy didn’t help make friend, hardly. Sheryl was probably the biggest tomboy I ever knew. Say one wrong thing to her and she would kick your butt. But somehow she had a caring nature, but she hardly showed it. If you made her angry, she wouldn’t even hesitate to fight you. I remember one time her mother made her dress up for this dance at our school. Well I laugh and basically I had a black eye for a whole week. I still regret that day. Nicholas was your tech head. He was always good with computers. I think even better then his father. A child prodigy, if you will. I wouldn’t be surprise if he was in college by now, with his brains. There was even one time, he hack the school computer and caused the school to freak out. Alarms went off, doors locked out of the blue. Mass chaos, even if it was funny. Actually scratch that part. I wouldn’t doubt it if he was in jail by now, with his bad sense of humor and his brain power. And Rai well lets just say he was always the flirtatious type. He never took no for a answer with girls, despite being young and supposedly not to like girls. But hey that didn’t stop him, not that any girl would fall for his charms at a point. He was like his own personal host club, in my eyes. Heh, he is probably a playboy by now. I really miss those guys. They were all good friends, but at some point, we loss touch with each other, like they disappeared.

    It was only a few weeks later when a mass fire struck the area and every home in my neighborhood was sent into flames; even my house. Since I was so little, it was hard to get out of a place that is hotter than an oven itself. And being stuck in my room, since the door was hot, made it even worse. And I was too scared to jump out the window. Oh how I wish I took the bottom floor’s room instead of tricking my sister into getting the top floor’s bedroom.

    I tried to take courage and get out any way I could, but I was losing air quickly as the smoke filled the room. Was it my fate to die? That is what I wonder as my body collapse to the ground. I was almost breathless.

    Losing hope, I laid on the floor, waiting for my demise, but suddenly a bright light shone in the room and a dark shadow appeared before me, and that is all I remember before I pass out from the lack of oxygen. I wish I knew who save me that day. But after that day, I started having deja vu. Even though at the time, I never knew it.

    Heh pitiful memories are best left forgotten.

    Brringg!!!

    “Wha--what?!” Says a voice as he stares at the clock. “Crap! I am late for school! Oh man, I am going to have detention all week at this rate!” The boy jumps off the bed, only to slip and fall on the ground. “Aww...CRAP! I got to hurry!” He says as he runs into the bathroom and brushes his teeth quickly. He quickly drinks some mouth wash and spits it out.

    As the young man rush, he heard the alarm go off again. “Shut up you!” He says as he throws a empty bottle of mouth wash at it, causing it to fall off the dresser. “Now, I need to get a change of clothes!” He ran into his room and look around for a clean uniform.

    Searching through his drawers he finally found a pair of boxers, a pair of dark blue pants, a pair of white socks, a white shirt, and dark blue jacket. He quickly put his clothes on and then grabs his shoes and places them on as well. Turning to his clock, he notices the time read 8:45am. “CRAP!!!” He ran out the room and slams the door behind him.

    Making his way down the hall, he ran to his class room, which was name Room A-1. He open the door and was about to explain why he was late for the third time this week, but he notice the teacher was introducing what seem to be a new student. No, he was sure of it. He never saw this girl at his school before. She had short brown hair, with bangs on both sides that almost seem to cover her face. She looked to be about 5’4 so she was relativity short. She seems to be an okay girl, but still seem weird.
    And somehow she looks familiar.

    “Alright class. I would like to introduce you to Mss Kiri Soteh. She is 15 years old and will be a new addition to our class, so be nice to her.” The teacher said as the class nods their head.
    “Wow. She is really cute.” Said one boy.
    “I wonder if she has a boyfriend.” Said another boy.
    “Idiot. She is new. How would she have one already.” Yet another guy said.

    “All right, Kiri. Tell us about yourself.” The teacher usher her by patting her lightly on her back.

    “Hello there. My name is Kiri Soteh. There isn’t much to say, really. I am just an average kid, just like you all.” She said in a rather emotionless voice. The class seems to become depress by her voice. I know they were most likely expecting her to at least share something.

    The teacher began to laugh, but stop as he noticed me out of the corner of his eye. “Well, Mr. Isawa. Late yet again? How many times have I told you to not come in late?” He had a stern voice.

    Even though Skie was scold 90% of the time, he could never get use to it. “Now please take your seat.” Skie nod his head and walk to the back of the class to a seat next to the window. It was basically his main seating area. Not that they had assign seats. He turned his head to the window and looked outside. Man why am I always the one picked on? He let out a deep sigh and places his head on the desk.

    Meanwhile, the teacher turned to Kiri and motion for her to take a seat as well. She scans the area and notices an empty seat and walk through the aisle. Of course since she was new and cute, the boys were gawking at her like she was new meat. Really Pathetic, if I say so myself.

    Heh. I bet she is just going to try and impress that guys. It was surprising. Some of these guys were pros at getting girls to fall for them. Another cute girl, loss to the jocks. Such a shame.

    As I gave up hope of losing another girl, she walked over to the seat next to me. I was surprise she took the seat of the girl who previously went to this school, to say the lease. The one who sat there was pretty weird, too. She was always quiet and didn’t interact much with anyone. I guess it isn’t all that weird. It is just a seat. And why does she look so familiar.

    I was about to ask her but I was caught off guard by the teacher. “All right then. Since we have all well known to each other, why don’t we begin class?” He took out a piece of chalk and walk to the chalkboard.

    He began to write a couple of numbers and finally I ready for the worse. Yes, math class. It was my worse subject, next to any other subject I took.

    As the teacher finish writing on the board, he turned to the class. “Okay then. Who can tell me the answer to number 1?” He asked patiently as he scans the room for a hand to raise.

    Of course no one raised their hand as they didn’t want to be wrong nor be considered a nerd. The teacher began to loss patience. He was about to call on someone, when Kiri’s hand rose.

    Everyone quickly turned to her as she began to speak. “2.3 x 12.5 equals 28.75.” The teacher was surprise she answer so quickly and confidently. He nods his head in approval. “That is correct, Miss Kiri.” He said as wrote the answer on the board.

    As time went on, the class did what they normally did. Some answer questions, some studied, some joke around, and some did nothing. I on the other hand was one of the few who did nothing. But today, I had a reason. I just wanted to find out why Kiri seem so familiar. There has to be some reason.

    I finally decided, I should ask her. I mean what could be the harm in asking. Maybe I grew up with her when I was little and just forgot till now. “Um..Kiri…Can I ask you someth…..” The bell rang as it signals class to be over. Damn it! I was so close, too! Kiri got up and turned to me and then turned away as she began to pick up her things and head out the classroom; so much for asking her.


    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    This is kind of old, that I wrote up. Just wanted to get some more ideas. I have been writing down some ideas that I will probably start in a new thread, when I get my ideas straighten out. But yeah, any thoughts would be good.

    Yes, I know I don't have a story up yet. But I wanted to hear your thoughts on the rough draft of chapter 1, part 1.
    Last edited by Shuro; 09-12-2011 at 05:21 AM.

  2. #2
    Teen Member sajin's Avatar
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    Your writing style has potential and your narration is very good. Before I post up what I think about chapter 1 can you answer me some questions?
    1. Do you also draw?
    2. Can you post some general info about your manga? (genre, symmary, main characters)

  3. #3
    Junior Member Shuro's Avatar
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    I use to draw a little, mostly for practice in preparation for this comic/manga.

    And yes, as I said before(I think I did), I will post some more general information as soon as I get everything straighten out. I generally write down any information I might like on so many sheets of paper, which causes me to get unorganized.

    But one thing I remember about my story, besides that I changed some stuff around, was that, in the depths of the school lies an organization named Haven. It is a organization, but brought on as a club, for people with special powers.

    The leader and its followers are looking for an ancient relic or power, known as the Garden of Eden. They don't know what it could be as all information, except for the name was erased from history, centuries ago.

    Im, also, planning on changing the name of the main character and possibly of Kiri. I kind of don't like the name.

  4. #4
    Junior Member Shuro's Avatar
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    Sorry for the late post. I been spending the last few days, thinking up some ideas for my story.

    So far, I am still working on a few character ideas with the main pretty much done, cept for some changes.

    Anywho, I figured I would tell you about the 'organizations' in the story, Haven.

    There are currently three organizations, Haven, Grimoire, and Purgatory. I will list a bit of info about each one.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------

    Haven:

    It is the main organization you will see in this series. Haven is a group of supernatural people whose personal goals differ one another, but their whole goal is to find the fabled, Garden of Eden and use its power to bring harmony to the world. There is a unknown number of members in the group.

    This is where the main character, Skie, joins in the story.


    Grimoire:

    A unknown group of people whose goal is unknown, but what is known is that they each possess a magic book and a familiar. Their abilities differ and it is unknown whether their goal is for good or bad.

    Purgatory:

    An evil organization of a group of 8 people. All is known of them for now is that they each possess the 7 sins, except for their leader, who is currently unknown.

    ---------------------------------------------------------


    This is what I have so far as I am still looking up information to use in my story and also, studying other mangas that deal in similar situations such as religious matters. Though I will admit, this story won't be too religious, but will use some ideas from religion. I guess what I am saying is that it will be my take on the story.

    If anyone has anything they think I should change or have any questions, feel free to ask.

  5. #5
    It has good potential. However, be careful to not to offend people, though by judging by the info, it won't be a problem.

  6. #6
    Junior Member Shuro's Avatar
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    Yeah, I am not using anything big on religion. It is mainly a foundation.

  7. #7
    Junior Member Shuro's Avatar
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    I am just letting you guys I am still alive, just been busy with life. I will try to update more on my story sometime by next week. Maybe sooner.

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