Today's proposed suicide method: Drown self in tub. If I can force myself to pass out, my cognitive functions will shut down and I'll die (maybe?) painlessly.
So Lisa came over today. I hate to say it, but it was actually kind of nice to have her around. She brought sandwiches, sweet tea, and a copy of Blaster Master. Her bringing me NES games to add to my collection is kind of becoming a ritual. It's almost makes me want live to see another day, and another game.
Anyway I tried to kill myself. Caesar talked me into it. Well, he didn't really tell me to do it, but he made some really good arguments in favor of it. It was obviously a failure -- an embarrassing one at that. It turns out Lisa forgot her sunglasses and came back to get them. When I didn't answer the door she barged in and found me. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
She forced me to sit and talk with her, and honestly I really started to wonder why I even tried to do it in the first place. I still haven't told her about Caesar. I'm not sure how I would even bring him up. I might have to talk to him tomorrow about this whole mess.
After an awkward silence, I asked her why she kept coming over. I mean I get that she's like a volunteer, or whatever, but I wondered if this was just an extracurricular activity to her or something. Or maybe she was just using me to make herself feel better. I feel like a dick, now. Her older brother killed himself. It's kind of a long story, but he was pretty similar to me. College drop out being supported by his parents. He jumped off his fire escape into the street. He didn't die right away either. Maybe I shouldn't have asked. She left without really saying anything.
I tried to leave my room. I just really wanted some ramen, and the corner store is only a block away. I could have done it. I didn't. The door seemed so huge as I approached it. I felt smaller, and smaller until I was small enough to walk right under the door crack. And then I saw a shadow in the hallway and went to bed.