RoLePlaY Ch.1 (pages 10-12 up!)

[Tsig]

Title: Roleplay
Genre: Shonen? Like aimed at 12 year-old-ish age group
Medium: Ink and Paper

Plot: An unexpected adventure to a new land enables a group of friends to pursue the answers to the strange events occurring on their island.

**READS FROM RIGHT TO LEFT**

SOOO... Hi everyone =) I haven't posted here for a long time........ sorry about that.... School does that to me.......

Anyways, I posted the prologue to this story here last year (I believe on the old forum.) If you want to read it, here it is again:

Prologue
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Page 1:

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Page 2:

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Pages 3-4:

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Page 5:

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Pages 6-7:

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Page 8:

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Page 9:

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Page 10:

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Page 11:

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Page 12:

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Page 13:

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Page 14:

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Page 15:

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I really want to become better at drawing manga. This story is kind of a run-through for me. Not that I don't care about it or I'm not trying really hard on it, but it's my oldest idea for a story. So, I'm drawing it first so that I can learn and gain skill, and I'm hoping that your advice and thoughts will help me =)

I'm going to try to make updates in sets of three pages, so it's not just single pages.

And viola'! The first three pages!

Page 1 :

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Page 2 :

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Page 3 :

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Please critique as harshly as you see fit, and/or whatever you think/random feelings. O and if something doesn't make sense or you are wondering about something, I might have completely forgotten to explain it, so don't feel shy in pointing it out ; ) .

I really hope you enjoy it!

[Fenn]

Well, your proportions aren't bad, but they keep changing, especially on page 2. Half the time her shoulders don't reach past the sides of her head, other times they reach out more realistically. It's almost like you have two characters there.

Also, for a comic aimed at a pre-teen fanbase, your art style, while actually quite attractive, seems too dark. The very first image is just a tad bit frightning, but that's very subjective.

Of course it's far too early to judge the plot or anything like that. The speech and speech bubble placement are good.

[Tsig]

On the proportions, I was trying to distort them on the 5th and 6th frame on the 2nd page, and the last one on the 3rd page. For the 6th frame, I was trying to make her body seem like flat and wavy. On the 5th frame of the 2nd page and the last frame on the third, I tried to distort them to make her seem smaller- like to convey a sad feeling on the 5th frame and a vulnerable feeling on the last one.

So, maybe I need to distort them more to make it more obvious that it was on purpose? So that it doesn't distract the reader into wondering if it was a mistake? Or should I just try to make the images where she is distorted look more alike 0.o ?

Lol I can see what you're saying about the darkness. I don't know if I'll change it though... I do think it'll be important to make it seem lighter at least when the situation is less intense, to set the mood. O well, the "target audience" at this point is still flexible, so I'll keep it in mind. O and thanks a bunch, your comments are really helpful =D

[Fenn]

On the proportions, I was trying to distort them on the 5th and 6th frame on the 2nd page, and the last one on the 3rd page. For the 6th frame, I was trying to make her body seem like flat and wavy. On the 5th frame of the 2nd page and the last frame on the third, I tried to distort them to make her seem smaller- like to convey a sad feeling on the 5th frame and a vulnerable feeling on the last one.

So, maybe I need to distort them more to make it more obvious that it was on purpose? So that it doesn't distract the reader into wondering if it was a mistake? Or should I just try to make the images where she is distorted look more alike 0.o ?

Lol I can see what you're saying about the darkness. I don't know if I'll change it though... I do think it'll be important to make it seem lighter at least when the situation is less intense, to set the mood. O well, the "target audience" at this point is still flexible, so I'll keep it in mind. O and thanks a bunch, your comments are really helpful =D

Panel 4 on page 2 and the last panel on page 3...those are the ones that caught my eye as "off." I think you are right; a little more exaggeration would be better. Actually, it may just be that while the body shinking worked, the face isn't expressive enough to match. Yeah, I think that's it; just give her a more surprised look to match her "shunken" frame. Maybe a third party can confirm or disagree.

As for target audience I'd say create what you want to create; at this stage the target audience shouldn't affect you unless you are adamant about it being "For all Ages." Even then, art style is far less a factor that content and language where the appropriate audience is concerned. You're fine

And you're welcome. I WISH I could draw like you can. You have areas to improve, of course, but you're way ahead of me.

[Tsig]

Okay I'll keep that in mind for the future - And thanks a bunch! I'll keep at it!

I'm working on the sixth page right now, so I should have an update ready by the end of the day.

[Outcast]

Why right to left?

[Tsig]

Outcast- Well, it just doesn't feel right to do it from left to right, and it comes out weird =/ I think it's probably cause I don't think I've ever read a series that read from left to right, so I'm just not used to it.

I tried to work on exaggeration more in the next few pages.

Here's pages 4-6:

Page 4:

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Page 5:

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Page 6:

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[Fenn]

Outcast- Well, it just doesn't feel right to do it from left to right, and it comes out weird =/ I think it's probably cause I don't think I've ever read a series that read from left to right, so I'm just not used to it.

I tried to work on exaggeration more in the next few pages.

Here's pages 4-6:

Page 4:

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Page 5:

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Page 6:

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Woah! The plot just hooked me. I'm eager to see what's next!

Only critique here is that the protagonist's face could use a slight bit more consistency of features. But that's nitpicking; great job overall, especially the foreshortening.

[ram]

i really don't know anything about proportions changing from the expressions.. i just know about the head becoming big or it becoming chibi or facial expressions or fish eye lens technique..

well i don't really know all of the rules concerning manga so i could be in the wrong

aaannyyyywaaaayy.... i think there should be something before page 1,,i'm pretty sure there is something... the only thing is why didn't you upload it?

for the crit
i think you should focus on clothing on what it should look like in side view and front view...
look on page 6.. about the guy there...
although i can't really understand much about the main look of the clothes so it could be just me...

[Tsig]

@ Fenn - That makes me happy and thanks ^^ I'll keep the consistency of the features in mind.

@Ramiel - I set the link to it but I'll upload it here too. The prologue was what came before, and there's like a year time gap between when I worked on it and now that I'm working on these pages, so I apologize if they don't flow well =/ O and I see where the clothing perspectives are a little off- I think I messed up on some of the proportions (like of the upper area of his vest) when I was trying to show movement. Thanks for pointing that out =) I'll be more careful with it now.

I'll edit the prologue into my first post. I think that if I would have done it now that I could have made certain things more clear... but oh well. Live and learn