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Thread: the greater mythology

  1. #21
    101 Dalmations Member GAbRieLWrIgHt's Avatar
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    MAKE SOME MORE CHAPTERS!!!!!!!! Pretty pweez wit a cherry on top?

  2. #22
    Zeta Members ram's Avatar
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    http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fb...levant_count=4

    Don't know where to host it yet.
    So feel free to read it on my fb, also if your going to add me on my facebook be sure to introduce ya selves.

    Edit:
    I tried to avoid fighting scenes as much as I can cause I'm not good at those types of things yet, but in chapter 2 I was pretty much struggling to make those shits
    Last edited by ram; 11-06-2012 at 04:23 AM.

  3. #23
    One Thousand Member Matt's Avatar
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    Hey, you're alive.

    I'll read this as soon as I'm out of class.

    EDIT: Read it. Here's what I thought.

    SPOILER! :
    Page 8: Candy reacts way too dramatically in the last panel. Is reincarnation that mind-blowing to her?

    Page 10: Candy is apparently a dumb nerd. So why is she so serious about this random mythology trip?

    Page 12: There've been little spelling and grammar errors scattered all over the place so far, but "interacted with her" is just about the strangest word choice I've seen in a long time.

    Also on page 12, in the second and third panels, you may want to change the tone of the girls' clothes just a bit so they're easier to see against the background. Either that or change the background a bit.

    Page 22: Why does Candy equate a serious expression with hiding something?

    Also, what in the world is Candy going on about? Marissa talked about reincarnation, and somehow Candy knows she's reincarnated? Yeah, it's obvious that she is, but how in the world did an off-handed line about mythology--which, by definition, is not true--convince her that she's special?

    Page 23: Ah, this explains a bit. Still, how does she know that's where her wind power came from? She says, "too soon to believe in a theory," but it's really obvious that the theory is correct. Maybe to shake things up a bit you could remove the prologue sequence in the beginning and then offer up some more theories and have Candy try to figure out which one is real?

    Page 29: That kid looks just a wee bit old to be ten.

    Page 31: What Candy reveals in the fourth panel is actually a fairly decent backstory. But why tell us it rather than show us Candy being conflicted over talking to people? She also talked to Sophie pretty easily, and if her emotions weren't strong then, when would they be?

    Page 38: Seeing your parents dead IS traumatizing. So much, in fact, that 100% of kids who see a parent die get PTSD. I'd have to assume Marissa has it, and now I expect it to show.

    Page 39: Yeah. Like that. It's not usually that extreme, but I can believe it in this case. The gunshot wound doesn't really look like a gunshot wound, though. It looks like a bruise. Also, you may want to look up what it feels like to be shot. I don't think Candy would be have a straight face after that.

    Here's some references to save you some search time:
    SPOILER! :
    Quote Originally Posted by some guy on Reddit.
    It's not the impact of the bullet that hurts so much but the smoldering hot lead burning underneath the skin.
    http://www.experienceproject.com/sto...en-Shot/503103
    Quote Originally Posted by another guy on Reddit.
    Mileage varies, depending on where you're hit, what calibre, and unknowns, but it's typical to feel a thump as it enters your body, but not much pain at first. The pain comes on slowly, and can get very intense even for a flesh wound.

    I had a GF who worked in a big city emergency room, and I used to hang out with her some nights. One guy came in who was shot, and very cool and macho about it, like he didn't feel a thing. After a while, he was howling in pain.

    Bullets are VERY hot when they are fired. I fired a .22 round into some sand and picked it out, and it was hot enough to blister my finger.


    Page 40: Yeah, way too straight-faced after taking the bullet. The first few panels are all right, but then she just settles down and keeps talking. Again, doesn't look like a bullet wound.

    -

    Overall, despite the implied serious nature of the story, it feels kind of fluffy, and it wasn't any one thing that created that feeling. Candy's reactions to everything, the way the blood is drawn, how the camera doesn't show any direct, dynamic action sequences (Candy and Sophie crashing into each other, Candy being shot), and the stereotypical prologue/epilogue sections that pull away from the main cast to show more important people talking about more important things all contribute to a manga that feels--well, like a manga.

    That's not a bad thing, necessarily, because it's a manga. It just feels like a generic urban fantasy with nothing unique to make it truly great. You've got all the basics down: good art, paneling and dialogue balloons that let the reader's eye flow from one to the other in the proper order, and a decent story and characters. There's really nothing inherently wrong with generic manga. People will still read it and people will still like it. If you want to be truly exceptional, however, you'll have to do something that's rarely, if ever been done before, or you'll have to do the same thing everyone else is doing, but on a much higher level.

    Also, spelling and grammar. I know you're not a native English speaker, so I could help with that if you'd like.
    Last edited by Matt; 11-06-2012 at 02:05 PM.

  4. #24
    Zeta Members ram's Avatar
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    That comment hurts me so much Matt, it's really straight through the heart like your piercing me with a big drill really slow!

    Let's see,

    on page 8 I just have to change her reactions right?
    on page 10 I just have to change her description and remove the dumb nerd..
    page 12 I really don't know the choice of words.. but I'll try to make another script for that part.
    page 22, Actually it is history on that world about those perfect beings and stuffs.... the only unkown part about her that she discovered is that sky-descendants are being reincarnated...


    page 23... you mean remove page 22 and add another page after this page?
    page 29 Is he? I'll try to see what I can do... I really thought I'm good at drawing lolis >_>
    page 31: I'll reveal those in her back story in chapter 2, apparently she's not afraid to die and hates the world as it is.. because of what happened to her in childhood days where she almost killed her new born brother, that's why she locked her emotions

    page 39: oh man... I wish I read those sooner..
    page 40: Yeah, I just noticed.... I'll take that in mind.

    Thanks a lot for a critique, I've already noticed that the plot on chapter 1 was really weird but it's imposible to change now unless I re-draw all of them, but if you have suggestions like "take off this page and add another page like this" I'll gladly take those advice

    I'll be honored to have you help me with those things, I hope it's not too much of a bother though.
    Grammars was always my problems from the start
    Last edited by ram; 11-06-2012 at 07:09 PM.

  5. #25
    One Thousand Member Matt's Avatar
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    on page 8 I just have to change her reactions right?
    Yes. If not, then Marissa's dialogue there should really be extraordinary in order to evoke a dramatic reaction.

    on page 10 I just have to change her description and remove the dumb nerd..
    No. I actually perceived her as a sort of dumb nerd ("dumb" meant in the kindest of ways) from the get-go, and throughout most of the chapter, that's what she feels like. It felt inconsistent that she'd be so happy-go-lucky, then be completely broody and serious about some power that is actually pretty cool. I have no idea why that power depresses her, and for that matter, why great powers seem to depress a lot of power users in urban fantasy.

    On this point, just make her character more consistent. She can and should have serious spells, but being serious about having superpowers? I don't know this character as well as you do, but to me, it seems like she'd find them pretty darn cool.

    page 12 I really don't know the choice of words.. but I'll try to make another script for that part.
    I'll help you out on this kind of thing if you're fine with me proofreading and editing. I'll explain it more later, but generally, any form of "interacted" sounds academic, and is rarely used in casual conversation. Generally. Don't quote me on that.

    page 22, Actually it is history on that world about those perfect beings and stuffs.... the only unkown part about her that she discovered is that sky-descendants are being reincarnated...
    That makes more sense. It was the history section, after all (but then Candy implies it's not?).

    page 23... you mean remove page 22 and add another page after this page?
    No. I suggested removing the prologue and casting some uncertainty on the origin of Candy's powers in order to make the plot less clear-cut and generic. I hate suggesting page removals, because each page, I know, is hours of time spent--however your prologue not only features non-main characters, but it also lays out the truth of your story's universe right from the start. That makes history/mythology/theory discussion kind of boring, since the reader already knows it.

    page 29 Is he? I'll try to see what I can do... I really thought I'm good at drawing lolis >_>
    Boys and girls are entirely different creatures, at least physically. Just because you're good at drawing lolis doesn't mean that'll easily transfer to shota. For the record, he looked about Candy's age. Didn't look bad, mind you. Just didn't look ten.

    page 31: I'll reveal those in her back story in chapter 2, apparently she's not afraid to die and hates the world as it is.. because of what happened to her in childhood days where she almost killed her new born brother, that's why she locked her emotions
    I'd tread very carefully using a character with locked emotions (and, again, what about her fawning over Sophie?). Generally, emotionless, or characters with limited emotion, tend to be unlikable, and you generally want your protagonist to be likable. A little example below that may get lengthy:
    SPOILER! :
    I try not to talk about my own work much, but it's the best example I could think of. About halfway through my main story, my protagonist acquires PTSD. One of the many facets of PTSD is a lack of emotions, or at least of positive emotions, a lack of love for previous loved ones, etc. This, in real life, is horrifying and sad. In my book, all it did was make my heroine, who was always a happy type, even more unlikable. So, exploring the disorder some more, I selected different triggers and different reactions and rewrote the scenes that gave her PTSD. I did this so that she could keep her emotions, which are vital in making a likable character. Those emotions turned extreme, she became bipolar, susceptible to outbursts of all kinds, generally irrational, jumpy, and afraid to let anyone touch her.

    Candy locking her emotions away is actually feasible. In fact, it makes a large amount of sense. Just be very careful with it. I deemed myself not skilled enough a writer to make my heroine perpetually depressed and still likable, so I changed her. You seem to be on the right track, giving her at least surface-level emotions. Again, just be careful.

    page 39: oh man... I wish I read those sooner..
    page 40: Yeah, I just noticed.... I'll take that in mind.
    Another thing to consider is the noise. In manga, guns go bang and that's that, but guns are very, very loud, and being around them while they're being fired constantly will almost certainly result in hearing loss. Yes, a lot of media ignores this and does just fine, and your manga can too. If you want to take a dose of realism, though, that's something to consider.

    If guns aren't banned in your country, I'd say get out to a range and pop a few rounds. It really helps with research--the best writing is done from experience, after all.

    I don't have much time to myself anymore, but proofreading hardly takes any time, and I enjoy it anyway. So if you want help, just upload the files to Mediafire or something and send them my way via PM.
    Last edited by Matt; 11-07-2012 at 01:17 PM.

  6. #26
    Zeta Members ram's Avatar
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    Yes. If not, then Marissa's dialogue there should really be extraordinary in order to evoke a dramatic reaction.
    Got it, I'll make it straight face instead.

    No. I actually perceived her as a sort of dumb nerd ("dumb" meant in the kindest of ways) from the get-go, and throughout most of the chapter, that's what she feels like. It felt inconsistent that she'd be so happy-go-lucky, then be completely broody and serious about some power that is actually pretty cool. I have no idea why that power depresses her, and for that matter, why great powers seem to depress a lot of power users in urban fantasy.

    On this point, just make her character more consistent. She can and should have serious spells, but being serious about having superpowers? I don't know this character as well as you do, but to me, it seems like she'd find them pretty darn cool.
    She was like that at age 4 though, And I already did thought about putting a lot of power-user who thinks really high of themselves, In fact that's one of the main problem of the world that the protagonist is trying to solve because power-users will one day enslave humans.

    I'll help you out on this kind of thing if you're fine with me proofreading and editing. I'll explain it more later, but generally, any form of "interacted" sounds academic, and is rarely used in casual conversation. Generally. Don't quote me on that.
    do you want the manga studio file?.... it's pretty big so I'll just send you the manga pages in png and script in microsoft word.

    (but then Candy implies it's not?).
    I probably wont make a backstory of where that book came from or maybe I will if I have time, the author of that book is already dead, because Feyd Kadena(the guy who holds their world) doesn't want to disclose any information towards the reincarnation, that's why he made it look like the book is just a nonsense.

    No. I suggested removing the prologue and casting some uncertainty on the origin of Candy's powers in order to make the plot less clear-cut and generic. I hate suggesting page removals, because each page, I know, is hours of time spent--however your prologue not only features non-main characters, but it also lays out the truth of your story's universe right from the start. That makes history/mythology/theory discussion kind of boring, since the reader already knows it.
    I see... so I just have to make sure that there's no uncertain origins... but I guess there's nothing I can do about it now at this point since I already made it like that.. I'll just try not to make the same mistake next time.

    Boys and girls are entirely different creatures, at least physically. Just because you're good at drawing lolis doesn't mean that'll easily transfer to shota. For the record, he looked about Candy's age. Didn't look bad, mind you. Just didn't look ten.
    I did try fix it, don't know if it made any better though since I just made the neck thinner.

    'd tread very carefully using a character with locked emotions (and, again, what about her fawning over Sophie?). Generally, emotionless, or characters with limited emotion, tend to be unlikable, and you generally want your protagonist to be likable. A little example below that may get lengthy:
    SPOILER! :

    Candy locking her emotions away is actually feasible. In fact, it makes a large amount of sense. Just be very careful with it. I deemed myself not skilled enough a writer to make my heroine perpetually depressed and still likable, so I changed her. You seem to be on the right track, giving her at least surface-level emotions. Again, just be careful.
    When she was fawning over Sophie, She not really using entirely her emotions, I tend to show expression like I'm happy go lucky myself sometimes, even though I'm not really enjoying anything but just want to show everyone that I'm enjoying myself. I'm sure most people like me who undergo a lot of changes in personality already know it.

    I don't have much time to myself anymore, but proofreading hardly takes any time, and I enjoy it anyway. So if you want help, just upload the files to Mediafire or something and send them my way via PM.
    I'll just edit it one last time before I send the script and the pages, I'm really thankful for you helping me like this, You can ask me anything in return if you want(except for money OTL)

    EDIT:Message just came your way
    Last edited by ram; 11-08-2012 at 04:14 AM.

  7. #27
    One Thousand Member Matt's Avatar
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    Got the message. I'm about 75% done editing, and I'll have a line-by-line critique ready next time I get to a WiFi hotspot.

  8. #28
    Zeta Members ram's Avatar
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    Many thanks again, Anyway... I think you'll explain this to me in the line-by-line critique but just in-case.
    You see I'm not really familiar with Narrations. My friend told me that the narrator should always talk in past tense, even if it's happening in the present.

    I'm really confused with this, Since my manga is 1st person narration (Mainly Candy) Does this rule still apply? I think what my friend was talking about is for 3rd person.

    I don't know much about writing but I don't want to read a lot books about it, I just want enough info about narration.

  9. #29
    One Thousand Member Matt's Avatar
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    I finished the critique. Check your messages.

    As for narration, I'd have to see some examples off what you're saying to be sure, but I'm fairly sure your friend is wrong. I'm not sure if I said anything about it in the critique, but:

    First-person, past tense: I wondered what was happening, so I approached the building.
    First-person, present tense: I wonder what's happening over there. I should investigate.
    Third-person, past tense: She wondered what was happening, so she approached the building.
    Third-person, present tense: She wonders what's happening, and thinks she should investigate.

    All four of these are correct. It's all a matter of what style you want for your story. If you want the readers to have a sense that stuff is happening right now, then present tense may be a good choice. It also slightly increases reader immersion if done right, as they're experiencing things at the same time as the characters. Your friend isn't completely wrong--as a general guideline, you're supposed to default to past-tense unless you have a good reason. However, that's a guideline for novels and short stories. Not comics.

    Just remember, whichever you pick, be consistent.

    If I'm being too confusing, I'll edit some panels and give a visual example.

  10. #30
    Fifty Fifty Member Evil_Cake's Avatar
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    all I can see is 1 page o_O

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