I think I am finally beginning to learn how to play EVE
Look at me talking about football like I care about it... I didn't even watch the Superbowl, lol.
Rofl neither did I.
I only slightly care about the Ravens winning because my dad's from Baltimore.
Little orphans running through the bloody snow
He's on his period.
Dear Shreddies, my name is Matt Carbunkle.
You may recall my previous correspondence declaring my unconditional love for your fine product. For years I suffered from crippling social phobias brought on by my irritable bowel syndrome. If I even so much as licked the toothpick jabbed in a piece of cheese at a party I'd clear the room in a matter of moments. When I played football in High School I was kicked off the team after I let one rip while hiking the ball. There was no end to my personal hell.
Then I saw Shreddies mentioned on a support forum I moderate. I was willing to try anything at that point, and three pairs of Shreddies cost roughly what I spent a week on Febreeze alone so it seemed doable. When I was confident enough to step out into the world I was pleased with the results. For the first time I didn't take the staircase in my apartment. I rode the elevator and no one was offended by my smell!
Pretty soon I started farting anywhere I could. Bathrooms, the movies (I actually sat next to people for once), work, during my doctor visit, and especially in restaurants. I became confident with my Shreddies on, I felt invincible!
Unfortunately they worked too well. I became arrogant. I went out of my way to fart as often as I could and as much as I could. The excessive strain, according to my doctor, weakened my rectal muscles and now my bowels won't clench properly. Every time I fart I shit myself. All day, every day, I fart and shit comes flying out. I'm not kidding you. I used to be the guy who smelled like shit. Now I'm the guy sitting in his own shit.
I quit my job and was forced out of my apartment due to the innumerable complaints I received. Now I'm living in a tent because the open air is the only thing that can help mask the foul smell that has become my signature musk. I have to lay bear traps or else the bears will smell my discarded, ripe underpants and come for me in the middle of the night.
In closing your product works great, but I urge you to place a warning label on them encouraging responsible use.
Sincerely, Matt Carbunkle.