Tag's Light-Novel "Hanako" ( W.I.P)

Ok,I now fully understand passive and active voices,Thanks for going into more detail :P

And Crap,Im still no where near as good as you guys are when it comes to formatting a sentence right... ~Sigh lol,Thanks though.

And I did what you said with Word,and yeah,you're right.Changing the comma fixed it.


And lastly is the Time/setting situation with the story,and from there Ill think ill be good toe edit alone and then I might come back when I feel its good enough to be seen by an editor or so,idk.

*UPDATE* 1/9/2013 ~ Been waiting to see if someone can help with the bolded area above,but to no avail have my question been answered,sadly.

Hopefully someone will :)

Also,about boarding schools,how do they work?

Would it be right to have a man be part of an organization that covers as a place where kids of "poverty" can stay like an orphanage but also go to school?

Like would this idea be reasonable,why or why not? Thanks :)

My bad for double posting(updating the thread),want to write some more of my novel, (^.^ )/

But Im a very big procrastinator,and when I cant solve something,I ask for help....and when no help is given and I cant solve the problem,I put it off until the above happens,which is probably a bad habit,but hopefully you(viewers) get my delima.If someone can please work with me on solutions to the 2 above problems,Ill be good to write again lol.

If you let the small things stop you in the beginning, you'll surely never finish. No draft is perfect, and yours is no exception. I suggest you write on your own for a bit to answer your own questions.

@Celes Your right.So,I did exactly that...after I posted I went and finished my "Chapter". Though I have no clue when to put a chapter exactly...but to me,I'm sure I placed it right.I went through and changed alot of things,the "time" situation will be worked out later,though I still cant think of anything,though I might soon.

So,without further a due,this below is my draft,unfinished,maybe very horrible,first chapter along with its prologue,enjoy!


== Prologue ==
Ten thousand years ago, there was a civilization not quite as technologically advanced as we are, they were named, “The Mythics.” They had abilities--but only a few people displayed them. Researchers figured out that everyone had the potential to have such abilities. Unfortunately, no one knew how to unlock these abilities--until these people discovered six unusual gems, deep within the Earth. With these six gems, they were able to use these powers, and do things by which; no ordinary human should.
On the other hand, another world was nearing its end, at around that same time. Desperate, its occupants fled and landed on the world mentioned. The Mythics perceived the refugees as aliens and opened the hostilities with their newly unlocked abilities. However, they were no match for the "aliens." In a battle to protect themselves, the "aliens" fought hard, pitting their technology against The Mystics’ abilities. The Mystics’ powers were phenomenal, but no match, due to their lack of understandment of their newfound abilities. The Mystics were exterminated not too long after the clash of the two beings, in a war that lasted roughly one-hundred years.
The aliens, after some time, rebuilt civilization and lived in place of The Mystics. However, as they had so easily defeated the ability users, they thought nothing of the six crystals. They were forgotten before anyone had even scratched the surface of their potential.

Throughout the ages, a secret society emerged, holding in to the information that had happened in the past. This organization, even though everything was in secret, and they were called “The Plax.”
Due to unknown reasons, the group split up and left one by one. One man founded a corporation, called it “HEX,” and used it to search for these gems of extraordinary power. Eventually they were found, but HEX could not access this power, as only the Real humans could.
Therefore, they started trying to re-make the Real "humans" and get them to use this power...and they felt a bit guilty for what would happen next...


Prologue (cont.) == Hanako's Birth == The Incident
Darkness shrouds the view, only the whispers of voices could be heard, very faint and steadily rising. When the voices hit their climax, they were very clear, but still, in darkness.

"Doctor is she okay, can I see her now?” a worried man asks.

“Yes, but try not to wake your wife, she’s done a lot so far.", another man says in reply to the other.

We do not see the man’s face, but we can see the bright yellowish-tan hairs on his chin. We also see that the place is a hospital, it is bright. The man’s expression to the words, of the doctor, as we can see now, was of happiness, and of relief.

"Also, your wife wanted to name her Hanako,” says the doctor, checking his clipboard, and looking up at the man.

“Hanako huh, she sure knows how to pick names. I like it, h-a-n-a-k-o.”, the man says as he walks into a room.

We now see him thank the doctor, and as the doctor walks away, we see the man open the door in front of him titled “Room 117” . There is a woman in a hospital bed, and on the women, there is a lively young baby Hanako. The Heart Monitor beeps steadily assuring him his wife is healthy and that nothing is wrong. He slowly puts his hand on her head and softly and yet gently moves his hand over hers and grasps it tightly, yet not too tight. He slides his hand over hers, and we see that they are married, looking at the rings that both of the share.

“Congratulations, Monika. You’ve gave birth to the most beautiful child ever”, he whispered to her.

The young baby Hanako, just laid there, quietly looking at the man, as he gently rubbed her face. The man smiles and tears up. He wipes away them, but they are tears of happiness, so he’s not ashamed.
Young Hanako then looking at him oddly and noticing this man was a bit confused not knows what to expect. She then burps and relieved the man goes back to rubbing Hanako softly on the forehead and holding his wife’s hand, but then something unexpected happens. Hanako’s eyes then turn an outlined purple glow. Her body starts to form an outer ring of purple and pink and shocked the man sharply gets away and is frightened not knowing how to respond. He tries to move forward, but cant. It is almost as if they were an impenetrable wall in front of him, not allowing him to go any further. Therefore, as his first response, the man tries to outwit this barrier by using force. The man runs back and tries to run at this barrier. As he smashes into it, he notices that he did not budge it one bit. Suddenly, Hanako’s eyes get brighter, and her hair starts to stand up, almost as if there were tiny strings holding them up, and waving on them. The man then feels a gut wrenching pain, in which he cannot understand, the man then with incredible strength, is knocked back into the wall next to the door. The wall is not dented; the man is bleeding, and hurt, but not likely to die. The man looking up to see that the Heart Monitor is moving faster, meaning his wife’s heartbeat was raising somehow. He slowly stood up, feeling where his ribs were, he seems to have cracked a few, maybe brokayen one. In pain, he stares at his child, not knowing what to say, or even, what to do. After he stands all the way up, he can see that Hanako now looking normal. She does not have the glow to her anymore and the barrier is not there either, as he puts his hand out. The man is too scared to get any further to his child, or his wife, whose heart rate is now normal. Hanako then starts crying, and footsteps down the hallway can be heard, because the impact from the man on the wall was quite loud for someone not to hear. The man then looking at his wife, who looking like she’s about to wake up, as her eye lids slowly open. The door the rapidly opens, and two doctors comes in, looking around to see the baby crying, the wife awake, and the man by the door.

"What was that noise?” the older doctor asks.

The man hesitantly points at the child of his and very shakily runs out. Looking at his wife on the way out and his child, which had just been born, he keeps running with slowly running tears from his eyes.

“Wait, Sir, what happened here?” yelled the doctors as they are running after him.

"Sky?” the woman says as she slowly opens her eyes, but then falls back asleep.

=== Chapter 1 ===
Hanako, now only eight years old, lives with her mom, which is poor due to the rough economy and no husband. After that incident, Hanako’s father has not been seen since. Hanako has been growing up with her mother for the longest time, and has been told her father died in a car accident shortly after she was born. They live in a small area called Grinevera, It was all Hanako’s mother could afford, being so poor. We see her mother checking everywhere as she is rummaging through some old stuff. She pulls out an old Newspaper. Down at the bottom of this Newspaper, there is an ad for people who struggle in the economic situations of today. Monika dials the number on the ad, and tries to get in touch with a person who may be able to help.

“Hello?” a woman picks up.

“Yes, I want to apply for this ad for my daughter, and myself.” Monika replies.

“Okay, May I ask your names please?” the woman asks.

“My name is Monika, and my child’s name is Hanako.”

“Okay and you understand your giving your child’s care into our hands, right?” the woman assures.

“Yes, I understand,” agrees Monika after quickly looking at Hanako.

“Well, it seems then everything is good. There will be a bus that comes around your part of Grinevera tomorrow at 7am,” the woman says.

“Okay, thank you so very much!” Monika yells while crying.

“No problem, have a great day, and see you tomorrow.” The woman says lastly.

Monika then hangs up the phone, as Hanako stops playing with her toys. Hanako looking at her mom and says,

“Mommy, what was that?”

“Hanako, guess what?” Her mother says cheerfully.

“What?” Hanako asks surprisingly.

“You’re going to an academy, starting tomorrow!” her mom says while smiling to her.

"Yay!” Hanako says ecstatically, jumping up and down.

"Okay then, you better get packed then! Tomorrow is a big day!” her mother replies.

Hanako smiles, finally seeing as she can out and do something fun.
The next day Hanako gets ready to leave. While packing some of her belongings, her mother waits by the door.
Hanako walks out the door and skips while chanting the words “Academy.”
Her mother then pulls something out of her pocket and tells Hanako,

"Wait Hanako, I forgot to give this to you,” her mother tells her while holding up the necklace.

"Always keep this around your neck, this is very special, okayay?” she tries to persuade Hanako.

"Okay Mom,” Hanako replies gently.

"Do you pinky swear?” her mother emotionally says, hugging Hanako.

Hanako looking at her mother, she then takes the necklace and puts it around her neck and hugs her mother again, saying in her ear,

“I pinky promise."

Hanako then lets go of her mother and is escorted onto a bus by a big muscular dude with brown hair. After her mother could not see her, she is handed the money, by one of these guards who came from the back of the bus. After being handed the money, she quickly puts her arm on the man’s shoulder, her hand on his neck and squeezes tightly saying,

"Just keep her safe, got that?” she whispers in a serious tone.

The dark haired supervisor then smirks and says,

“We will keep her nice and safe, besides, you’re the one who signed her over to us."

He looking at her with a serious face after making his comeback, and slowly takes her hand off his neck, and says,

“I’ve got it from here, Monika,” he then, laughs while walking away.

Hanako is put on a bus looking back at her mom and she sees her crying thinking it is because she will be gone for the summer. A tall supervisor with an irritated expression then looking at her and ask her name, and she then instinctively says,

"My name is Hanako, so when are we going to be at the academy?"

"I don’t know and I don’t care, little one?” he says violently.

The supervisor puts a check next to her name and tells her to sit to a certain seat and walks away asking for more names. Also inside the bus, is a boy along with maybe two others in the back of the bus. He is probably the same age, maybe younger, as Hanako. Since this boy was sleeping, Hanako thought it would be funny to wake him.


"Hi, my name is Hanako. What is yours?”, she yells while tapping him.

The boy wakes up and rubs his eyes and yells irritantly,

“You know, there are better ways to wake someone up! “, he says while looking tired.

"Well, what is your name then,” she asks again.

While eating sunflower seeds, he holds up a sword with the side engraved "ROI" and says

"My name is Roi Testsuhada,” he says.

Hanako smiles and looking around, and secretively asks him,

"Do you know if there will be other kids there?"

Roi then stops chewing his sunflower seeds.

"This is an academy, why wouldn’t there be kids?” he asked dumbfounded.

"Well, my mom said that it is a school for special people.” she interrupts.

"Actually, it’s a school for people who are too poor to pay for regular school.” He says intelligently.

Hanako looking at him then turns her head down, Hanako eyes cannot be seen at this point. Why would mommy be too poor for regular school?

Roi can understand what happened to Hanako, though she is too young to understand that her mom gave her up. He tries to soothe her with a heroic remark,

"Don’t worry, if anyone tries to bully you, I’ll cut them super-fast.,” he reassured her while holding up his sword.

"Really?” she looks at him with tears welling up in her eyes.

"Really.” he said.

"But, what is this place then?”

The supervisor, after hearing their conversation, looking back and looking at his clipboard and says,

"Hanako right? This is not a regular school, as your friend here was saying. It is a school in which parents send them too if they do not care for them. She gave you up for money, little girl. She does not love ---“, he was interrupted.

The second Supervisor puts his hand on his shoulder and yelled angrily,

"That's enough Tongs, stop scaring them they’re just kids."

The man then looking at Hanako, he tells her,

“That’s not the truth, Hanako, your mother loves you, but she just couldn’t afford regular schooling for you, that’s all.” He says trying to take back Tongs’ words.

Tongs looking out the window and pointed with a smirk on his face,

“It doesn’t matter, we are here anyways"

The academy scared Hanako a little bit. The Academy was a large round structure that had an "H"on it. It was practically in the middle of nowhere, just trees and landscape.
The two guards carried her out, as she held on to the seats, not wanting to go.

"Stop it, I don't want to go!” she screams.

"Don't hurt her,” Roi yelled running up to Tongs.

Roi tries charging, but is thrown back by him.

"Don't interfere boy, or you'll get much worse then what this girl will be going through.” Tongs threatened.

Hanako tried to get free from the grasps of the two supervisors carrying her, but to no avail were they affected. As they step into the Academy, we see that it is much bigger on the inside, and much brighter. There seem to be many people doing many different things here. A big burly man came down from the stairs to the second level and asks Hanako and the rest of the group,

"So what do you think of the place, young ones.” he says cheerfully to the group.

He smiles as no one answers. He then replies to the silence looking at Hanako,

“How about you, what do you think of the place, you were awfully loud coming in here?"

Hanako says nothing and just stares at him very meanly. She does not say anything; she just stares for a while.

"Don't want to talk to me do you? Doesn’t worry well fix that?” he mutters while walking away to women.

"Nilo, put her on the Trials immediately, she annoys me,” he whispers to her as we walks past.

"Yes sir! “, she replies obediently.

They take her to a room, almost similar to a room you would see in a jail, maybe slightly better. Looking out the window, she notices she is on a high floor of this place. Later on, a group of doctors comes into her room. They tell her that everything is okay, and they just want to run some test.She struggles, but it is no use. Then a man with a syringe comes in and injects her and walk away saying, “hope you last until the morning”. She tries going to sleep with the pain of her mother, father, and this injection. She tosses and turns in her bed and starts sweating. Meanwhile, on the other side of her window, a mysterious figure in a hood and cape comes and flashes weird orbs of lights that make the guards outside Hanako window pass out. The mysterious figure then looking down at the window seeing a child sound asleep, puts a C4 like bomb above the window. He tries to make it accurate, so he does not harm the girl when it explodes. He then times it for thirty seconds.

[Still Incomplete as far as editing goes,but at least its better than that of 2 weeks ago.] Also is this reasonable for a chapter or...?

The writing style that you have used for conveying scenes and actions probably works in scripts, but doesn't work in novels. For instance,

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We now see him thank the doctor, and as the doctor walks away, we see the man open the door in front of him titled “Room 117” .

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is very awkward to read. It's like you're speaking to the audience as if you're a director trying to convey the scene to a cameraman or someone working on a storyboard for a movie. I highly suggest picking up a novel and reading through it to see how professional writers convey their thoughts and scenes. While you probably don't need to read it all the way through, you should at least read enough to understand why their method of writing works and why your method/style currently doesn't.

If you have the time, though, I highly recommend checking out different writers, not just one, to see how they handle the situations they bring about in their works. Mixing styles generally tends to make things more interesting (depends on the styles and your ability to adapt to using them), not to mention allows you to gain more inspiration for your work. I wish I could recommend some authors to check out, but I haven't read any books in English in a long time. However, I'm sure that if you ask around there are many members here that will gladly assist you.


On another note, I wanted to mention that you should really consider dropping the prologue. It contains so much information that I think would be better to distribute at various points of the story. To me, dropping all that information in the beginning seems unnecessary and makes for a pretty lousy hook. A good storyteller can convey the settings and the histories within the story itself without having to force the information like that. If you're going to write in a prologue, write in a scenario/situation that would hook the reader. For instance, something that would foreshadow the things to come without really giving anything away or spoiling the reading experience. Of course, in my opinion, having a prologue is optional and not really necessary unless you're absolutely positive that it will contain something that will hook the reader in. In this case, from what I can see, you don't need it.

@Ceta Thanks for commenting,It seems not many people wish to help me out with this,and help me correct my mistakes,so I thank you.

Yes,I know about the switch of writing style there,I was a bit "iffy" on what to say on that part,but I let it go so someone could tell me why it would be wrong as you have. :)

Yes,I know I have to read more books,Its just Im not as big as I was awhile ago.When I was like 10-13 books were the best,I used to read the harry potter series and other fantasy~series books,along those ages,as that was the only genre I liked.Though,for some reason Im not as good as analyzing text as I am reading it for the story.This may because im just a new this new world of literature ive entered,but hopefully I can get better.Though looking at literature might be the hardest part now,because as ive said,I used to be an avid reader back then,but now im 17 and I dont read and such like that anymore.

Though I think Matt or Celest. suggested some titles in a previous post,in which ill find later.

Also,about my prologue,your probably right...I think the second half of the prologue is necessary,Not so much the first,though i have yet to think of where I could put that information. Ahhhhhhhh....This is why I need some professional help or a mentor.Im the kind of person who needs like a coach or something to push myself. Actually I think I should just find myself a willing editor,though I dont think I know of any besides Celes.

:<

Anyways thanks Ceta....I think I might just having to revise "Chapter 1" over and over until its literate enough to pass professionally lol.

By the way,Did I do my quotes right?I tried using your advise @Matt / @Celes :L


*** OH,and if I decide to go the manga route,this here would be good enough,no? I wouldnt have to be as detailed as with this novel format right? Hence easier,no? ***

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Originally Posted by tag654

@Ceta Thanks for commenting,It seems not many people wish to help me out with this,and help me correct my mistakes,so I thank you.

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I think the biggest problem that people face when helping others with their writing is that they often feel the need to correct the writing style of the person rather than provide proof-reading/basic tips. Giving help is one thing, but you can only go so far before you start influencing the style of the writer. It's difficult to know where to draw the line when helping someone so I think that's one of the reasons why you're not getting help. Another would be that some members feel you as part of the competition and would rather let you fail than help you succeed. Personally, I don't mind helping but I feel I can only go so far before it's up to you to figure things out on your own.

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Yes,I know about the switch of writing style there,I was a bit "iffy" on what to say on that part,but I let it go so someone could tell me why it would be wrong as you have. :)

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I think this is one of those things where you probably could have just figured it out on your own rather than hope that someone would point it out to you. This is just my thinking, however.

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Yes,I know I have to read more books,Its just Im not as big as I was awhile ago.When I was like 10-13 books were the best,I used to read the harry potter series and other fantasy~series books,along those ages,as that was the only genre I liked.Though,for some reason Im not as good as analyzing text as I am reading it for the story.This may because im just a new this new world of literature ive entered,but hopefully I can get better.Though looking at literature might be the hardest part now,because as ive said,I used to be an avid reader back then,but now im 17 and I dont read and such like that anymore.

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No matter how old you get, reading will always be important. Even more so if you wish to become a writer. As with beginner artists who trace/copy the works of their favorite professional artists before branching out with their own style, you, too, need to start getting into the works of writers who write in the same genre as you wish to get into or other genres which you think would be close to what you want to include in your own work. Because you've been reading just as a casual reader all this time, you'll need to train your mind to see more than just the words on the paper. You'll need to read much deeper, to figure out why something worked (or why it didn't) and build from there. It'll take time and may delay you a bit -- depending on whether you're good at scheduling or not -- but you'll eventually get it.

If you feel you need a little bit more structured guidance, however, visit your local library or bookstore. I'm sure you'll find plenty of interesting resources that will aide you in writing.

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Also,about my prologue,your probably right...I think the second half of the prologue is necessary,Not so much the first,though i have yet to think of where I could put that information.

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I'm sure you'll find a way; it'll just take some time and thought.

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This is why I need some professional help or a mentor.Im the kind of person who needs like a coach or something to push myself. Actually I think I should just find myself a willing editor,though I dont think I know of any besides Celes.

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While I agree with having someone proof-reading/editing your work, I don't know if it's really necessary to go to the extent of getting a coach or something of that nature. Seems like a bit of overkill to me, not to mention it gets back to what I was mentioning earlier about the influencing of one's style. Of course, I'm not trying to stop you or anything like that so, if you truly think you need one, go for it.

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Anyways thanks Ceta....I think I might just having to revise "Chapter 1" over and over until its literate enough to pass professionally lol.

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No problem. It'll take quite a bit of time, effort and practice before you start finding your "voice" but just keep at it until you do. Rather than rewriting the same thing over and over, though, you should take a small time out and write some short stories -- nothing lengthy, mind you, just a couple pages or so in length -- to help you practice. If you rewrite the same thing over and over, you'll get bored or, at the worst, feel like you'll never get it right and quite possibly end up dropping the project.

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*** OH,and if I decide to go the manga route,this here would be good enough,no? I wouldnt have to be as detailed as with this novel format right? Hence easier,no? ***

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In a way, yes; for the most part, however, no it's not. You'll need to reformat what you've written a lot in order to make it comic-ready.

****UPDATE****

This is an update just to see if anyone wants to critique some works of mine.

So,I found an editor about 4 weeks ago,and he agreed to teach me and help me out.He has been giving me these assignments of diffrent genres and such.

For example the first one was,

http://kingfromhatena.deviantart.com/art/Unconcious-363378783?ga_submit_new=10%253A1365035037

The topic was a 2-paged story to start branching out from my original story...

to get me to test my limits with different genre's...

Ill post more if someone comments :)