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Fenn
12-20-2010, 09:53 PM
Once we enough members, I'll assign someone to write a short story of your own creation, and post it. The other members and I will crit and show where or how you could change something. We will go into a complete circle until everyone has posted their own short story. Then after everyone has had their turn, the first person who posted theirs will post their story again. But this time with corrections or added stuff put in it, to see how far they came from their first attempt. If there is more to crit, then they will post it later again, after everyone else, and see how better its getting. Or if you would rather, you can just post a different story. If you have a short story ready, and it hasn't been your turn to post yet, then pm me. I'll make sure to get you next.
This is a great exercise to see what other people think will make your writing better, and even to crit someone else. You might notice something that you yourself need to also work on.



Once we have at least 4 people we will start.

Current list:
1. Angel
2. jaidurn
3. Fenn
4. Tanatos_Bloodedge
5. pajamajam
6. Renzokuken

These members will move to the second thread when it is created:
IllustrateMe
Devillan
Avy16
Sawyer
Son44

angel_dreamer13
12-20-2010, 10:09 PM
._.
I guess I have to finally kick writers block to the curb now huh?

Tanatos
12-21-2010, 03:12 PM
I don't get it... How it works?

Can I participate?

=]

angel_dreamer13
12-21-2010, 09:20 PM
I don't want to speak for fenn but I'm sure you can join, the group needs more people anyway. :)
what you do is write a short story, post it up here, and let the other members of the group critique it. then when your turn comes around again, you can either post the same story, revised using the crits and tips you got earlier, or a different one.
did that help?

Tanatos
12-22-2010, 06:12 AM
Oh yeah, I got it now. Interesting. If I'm approved to join the group let me know please;

=]

Fenn
12-22-2010, 10:09 AM
Oh yeah, I got it now. Interesting. If I'm approved to join the group let me know please;

=]


Of course you can join. It works like this: the first person writes a short story (the old forum has some examples), and everyone else critiques it. Then the next person on the list writes one, and etc, etc. When it comes to your turn again you can either write a new story or post a revised version of your old story.

OKAY, WE ARE STARTING NOW!

Angel, you have until the 26th at 6:00pm to post. I extended the time since there's a chance you'll be celebrating Christmas or otherwise being busy. I will alert jaidurn that it will be his turn next.

If you miss your turn, you may post two stories next time around, but you must wait your turn.

Tanatos
12-26-2010, 06:16 PM
So, it's jaidurn turn?

brain132
12-27-2010, 12:01 PM
yeah, it would be. I'm starting to think about joining this one. The 2 on the old forum just stopped suddenly. I'd rather if you stayed in charge of this one though Fenn. They might start up eventually again.

Fenn
12-28-2010, 09:36 AM
it is Jaidurn's turn

...but I can't contact anyone because most of the profiles are private.

Tanatos
12-28-2010, 12:09 PM
it is Jaidurn's turn

...but I can't contact anyone because most of the profiles are private.


Add they as friends.

http://www.animetotal.com/Smileys/novo/=l.gif

Fenn
12-30-2010, 09:23 AM
Er, I guess I'll have to. Is there any way to set privacy settings for friends, because I have this pet-peeve against online friend lists. I never use them, but if I have to here I will.

pajamajam
01-01-2011, 01:12 PM
Hey. Hey. Hey. Fenn. Hey. Is it too late to join since there are already four people?

ScarletHue
01-01-2011, 03:59 PM
id love to join if its not too late. Im really really knew to writing but I am eager to learn. I wouldnt like to go first though because..well im a real newbie .. lol

Fenn
01-02-2011, 08:39 PM
Hey. Hey. Hey. Fenn. Hey. Is it too late to join since there are already four people?


id love to join if its not too late. Im really really knew to writing but I am eager to learn. I wouldnt like to go first though because..well im a real newbie .. lol

You can both join, at the end of the list. Keep checking back to see where we are at.


Well, it looks like jaidurn won't be joining us any time soon. It's my turn. I have until Tuesday/Wednesday

Devillan
01-07-2011, 03:30 PM
Can I join? I hope I'll make some good stories

Avy16
01-07-2011, 04:24 PM
Me wanna join too. Really need to be better a stories.

Sawyer
01-07-2011, 04:27 PM
I also wanna join if it's cool.

brain132
01-07-2011, 09:07 PM
Also, its been over the limit of the person who is having his/her turn right now. Just thought I'd say.

Fenn
01-09-2011, 12:30 PM
Also, its been over the limit of the person who is having his/her turn right now. Just thought I'd say.

Wayyyy over, and it was my turn. Next on the list, and I'll add new people after.

Son44
01-09-2011, 03:10 PM
Can i join?

The old thread has sort of died DX

pajamajam
01-10-2011, 01:19 AM
This one died before it really began. I hope the next dude posts something or forgets soon so it can be my turn to forget.

brain132
01-10-2011, 08:22 PM
This one died before it really began. I hope the next dude posts something or forgets soon so it can be my turn to forget.

Once people start posting their short stories it will start up.

Son44: Yeah, after finals things really died out. Its starting to come back a bit though. And when Rio deletes the old site, I'll move it to this forum. Only I'm going to kick out the non active ones. Unless they want to rejoin of course.

Fenn
01-10-2011, 08:30 PM
January is really busy for a lot of people. As the next month or two progresses we should get more people to participate. Heck even I forgot.

Edit: Brain, I think I'm gonna change the rules temporarily, until we get some actual stories posted.

Whoever wishes to post a story next, regardless of the list order, may do so. HOWEVER, once someone posts a story, everyone else must wait 2 days before posting their story, to give people time to read/critique it. Also, once you have posted a story you may not post another until at least one other person has posted a story and the 2 days is up.

Okay?

brain132
01-12-2011, 02:04 PM
January is really busy for a lot of people. As the next month or two progresses we should get more people to participate. Heck even I forgot.

Edit: Brain, I think I'm gonna change the rules temporarily, until we get some actual stories posted.

Whoever wishes to post a story next, regardless of the list order, may do so. HOWEVER, once someone posts a story, everyone else must wait 2 days before posting their story, to give people time to read/critique it. Also, once you have posted a story you may not post another until at least one other person has posted a story and the 2 days is up.

Okay?

Sounds alright to me. Might get a little confusing though. Maybe someone could send you a pm if they have a story, though that was in the rules. I just don't think any one ever paid attention to it. But yeah, its whatever is more convenient for you.

pajamajam
01-12-2011, 02:42 PM
Man, good. I'm just gonna post it.

There is nothing quite like toast and raspberry jam at three in the morning. The only thing that could make it better would be to have some after a few hours of hot sex, but that doesn't happen very often. Obviously.

So anyway, toast. Put some cheap bread in the toaster. Make sure it's plugged in. Open the fridge – great, the jar's empty. Go to the cupboard – Score! One jar left.

Damn! It's shut tight. Hot water on the lid – still won't budge. The toast's just popped up, finished. It'll be cold by the time the jar gets opened. Maybe I should use grape tonight. Stubborn as hell, decide against it.

Grab the first knife I can find – giant meat cleaver. Perfect. Bang jar lid with edge, not really paying attention – Fuck! Big, leaky gash on left hand now. Ignore the pain, turn knife around, keep swinging. Jar lid's all dented and crappy now, but try it and – success! It finally opens. Quickly find a smaller knife, put cold toast on plate, get to work.

Blood dripping on slightly burnt toast. Ignore it, sloppily slathering the dark red preserves on the burnt bread, anxious. Red mingling with red as blood drips on the bread, use bad hand to pick up late-night meal, sit down on the kitchen floor, spent.

Big bite from toast. Salty blood mixing with sweet, rich raspberry. I think I've improved my recipe.

Renzokuken
01-12-2011, 06:28 PM
Man, good. I'm just gonna post it.

There is nothing quite like toast and raspberry jam at three in the morning. The only thing that could make it better would be to have some after a few hours of hot sex, but that doesn't happen very often. Obviously.

So anyway, toast. Put some cheap bread in the toaster. Make sure it's plugged in. Open the fridge – great, the jar's empty. Go to the cupboard – Score! One jar left.

Damn! It's shut tight. Hot water on the lid – still won't budge. The toast's just popped up, finished. It'll be cold by the time the jar gets opened. Maybe I should use grape tonight. Stubborn as hell, decide against it.

Grab the first knife I can find – giant meat cleaver. Perfect. Bang jar lid with edge, not really paying attention – Fuck! Big, leaky gash on left hand now. Ignore the pain, turn knife around, keep swinging. Jar lid's all dented and crappy now, but try it and – success! It finally opens. Quickly find a smaller knife, put cold toast on plate, get to work.

Blood dripping on slightly burnt toast. Ignore it, sloppily slathering the dark red preserves on the burnt bread, anxious. Red mingling with red as blood drips on the bread, use bad hand to pick up late-night meal, sit down on the kitchen floor, spent.

Big bite from toast. Salty blood mixing with sweet, rich raspberry. I think I've improved my recipe.
This is very disturbing. ._.

I like the way it's written, though. Kinda like someone's talking to like a TV audience or something. That's the picture I get; a person eating blood and jam on toast, a wide grin on their face, with a (live) audience, scared to death of this person's inability to feel pain. XD

Could I be a nuisance and request that my name be put on the list, please?

ScarletHue
01-13-2011, 02:50 AM
what an unusual character. I thought it was really well done , I got a real sense for what the person is like in that little chunk of writing. The part about sex not happening very often seems to indicate at least to me , that he/she knows how bizzare they are as they use the word obviouslly at the end.

seems like he was in hell of a rush to get his toast even though its the middle of the night. Until the second half you get the impression of an average guy trying to get his favourite meal , and then into the second section it gets more and more strange , with his tolerance for pain as well as him being fine with eating his own blood on toast. Hes almost happy about it as he bites in.

Strange , but it was very well done.

Fenn
01-13-2011, 11:11 AM
Man, good. I'm just gonna post it.

There is nothing quite like toast and raspberry jam at three in the morning. The only thing that could make it better would be to have some after a few hours of hot sex, but that doesn't happen very often. Obviously.

So anyway, toast. Put some cheap bread in the toaster. Make sure it's plugged in. Open the fridge – great, the jar's empty. Go to the cupboard – Score! One jar left.

Damn! It's shut tight. Hot water on the lid – still won't budge. The toast's just popped up, finished. It'll be cold by the time the jar gets opened. Maybe I should use grape tonight. Stubborn as hell, decide against it.

Grab the first knife I can find – giant meat cleaver. Perfect. Bang jar lid with edge, not really paying attention – Fuck! Big, leaky gash on left hand now. Ignore the pain, turn knife around, keep swinging. Jar lid's all dented and crappy now, but try it and – success! It finally opens. Quickly find a smaller knife, put cold toast on plate, get to work.

Blood dripping on slightly burnt toast. Ignore it, sloppily slathering the dark red preserves on the burnt bread, anxious. Red mingling with red as blood drips on the bread, use bad hand to pick up late-night meal, sit down on the kitchen floor, spent.

Big bite from toast. Salty blood mixing with sweet, rich raspberry. I think I've improved my recipe.

Nice style, good choice of perspective, utterly gross. But this tells a hell of a lot about the character without stating it directly. The person probably doesn't care what anyone thinks about them, probably gets maimed often (suggesting either crime or recklessness), and has a sarcastic outlook on life. This would make for a great anti-hero/protagonist!


Could I be a nuisance and request that my name be put on the list, please?

You're a pain in the butt, y'know that? ;) Added.


Please wait until tomorrow before anyone posts another story.

pajamajam
01-13-2011, 11:39 AM
Thanks you guys.

Fenn
01-13-2011, 11:39 AM
That wouldn't be drawing from personal experience now, would it?

pajamajam
01-13-2011, 11:42 AM
A little. I'm a clumsy insomniac, and the easiest thing to make in the middle of the night without waking people up is toast. I've gotten myself pretty good a couple times from not paying attention, but I haven't cut my hand open with a cleaver yet.

Son44
01-13-2011, 11:45 AM
Man, good. I'm just gonna post it.

There is nothing quite like toast and raspberry jam at three in the morning. The only thing that could make it better would be to have some after a few hours of hot sex, but that doesn't happen very often. Obviously.

So anyway, toast. Put some cheap bread in the toaster. Make sure it's plugged in. Open the fridge – great, the jar's empty. Go to the cupboard – Score! One jar left.

Damn! It's shut tight. Hot water on the lid – still won't budge. The toast's just popped up, finished. It'll be cold by the time the jar gets opened. Maybe I should use grape tonight. Stubborn as hell, decide against it.

Grab the first knife I can find – giant meat cleaver. Perfect. Bang jar lid with edge, not really paying attention – Fuck! Big, leaky gash on left hand now. Ignore the pain, turn knife around, keep swinging. Jar lid's all dented and crappy now, but try it and – success! It finally opens. Quickly find a smaller knife, put cold toast on plate, get to work.

Blood dripping on slightly burnt toast. Ignore it, sloppily slathering the dark red preserves on the burnt bread, anxious. Red mingling with red as blood drips on the bread, use bad hand to pick up late-night meal, sit down on the kitchen floor, spent.

Big bite from toast. Salty blood mixing with sweet, rich raspberry. I think I've improved my recipe.

Wow... thats really interesting

As people mentioned you really managed to get the character forward without pushing it. To me this is like a voice over in a movie like in Memento. Sweet descriptions and perspective as well

Avy16
01-13-2011, 12:32 PM
I think it's really good. Like everyone's saying it really shows what the character's like. I also found it funny in a creepy kinda way.

brain132
01-13-2011, 05:57 PM
Only thing I've got to say is pretty much what everyone else has said. Good story.


P.S. I can see that this thread is starting to get crammed with people, so if anyone is available, would someone like to be in charge of a second improve your writing skills thread?

DrPumpkin
01-13-2011, 09:53 PM
I would happily take over the second thread.

Would the rules be the same as this one?

brain132
01-14-2011, 05:47 PM
Yes. Same rules. The idea of no posting order that Fenn had is starting to sound like a pretty good idea to me. If you think we should do it, then that's up to you. Here are the people you will get:
DrPumpkin
Son44
sawyer
Avy16
Devillan
Illustrate me

Thanks for offering.

DrPumpkin
01-14-2011, 06:25 PM
Received and understood.

What should I do if more people want to join? Should I let them join the thread I'm gonna make, or should I let them go to this one?

Fenn
01-14-2011, 10:20 PM
Received and understood.

What should I do if more people want to join? Should I let them join the thread I'm gonna make, or should I let them go to this one?

Make a second. Once mine gets too full I'll send people over to you.


A little.
O_O


I'm a clumsy insomniac, and the easiest thing to make in the middle of the night without waking people up is toast. I've gotten myself pretty good a couple times from not paying attention, but I haven't cut my hand open with a cleaver
Oh okay then. Makes sense.


yet.
O_O

brain132
01-16-2011, 01:35 PM
Alright, I think its been two days, I guess the next person can post theirs now. (sorry for taking contol here Fenn, but I just wanted to say that people would know better when to post their story if you say when the two days are over with, and I realized that its been two days since the last one and thought I'd help out).

Renzokuken
01-16-2011, 07:02 PM
C'est moi. Alright. Let's give it a go!

Fenn
01-17-2011, 10:05 PM
Alright, I think its been two days, I guess the next person can post theirs now. (sorry for taking contol here Fenn, but I just wanted to say that people would know better when to post their story if you say when the two days are over with, and I realized that its been two days since the last one and thought I'd help out).

Dude jump in as mush as you want. You created this. I'll try to be more on top of it.

ClockHand
01-18-2011, 01:03 AM
The Best Story Ever Writted.

So I'm going to tell you guys about the greatest story ever writted; so great that make pokerplayers cry, narcissits laugh and smartass stop being douchebags. So awesome that even my mom told me was great, and she is dead. So powerful that influence a Gandhi, even so I didn't writte it until now. And so... well you guys get it now.

Everything started in the 80's in a little village of Chupica, so little that if you fart in one extreme the people of the other side knows that was you. So charmi that even the elders are hot. So nice and polite that people use the few guns of the village as park decorations. It was a good town, it was a nice town.

But the story is not about the town, is more deeper than that, is about a gentleman. Sir Roger Waltermelon was a lier, a thief, a scamer and a rat. Yes he was a rat, literally speaking.

Everything started with the father of Sir Roger Waltermelon, the Sir Pancu Pancu. He was a nice man, a man of science and logic, who didn't had any hair of dumb, well he didn't had to much hair in head to be honest and he had weird a religious behavior. Every monday he cut his nails, nothing of the other world, but every nail longer than 0,9 centimeters he save it in a bottle, a bottle in a closet fulled of bottles with the same purpose. Not only this, but he has always had a weird fetish with shoes, he loved shoes, more than a woman does, because he doesn't only buy shoes in a sexual maner, he also like every shoes he buy, every new shoes pass by his tounge, and his pleasure doesn't end there because when the shoes were old and ragged he hanged them in the roof of his room, the bathroom, the kitchen and even places that didn't have roof.


Ok, critic me plz.

Delphinus
01-18-2011, 05:55 AM
Ahahaha. Could you be any more obvious a troll?

Fenn
01-18-2011, 04:38 PM
The Best Story Ever Writted.

So I'm going to tell you guys about the greatest story ever writted; so great that make pokerplayers cry, narcissits laugh and smartass stop being douchebags. So awesome that even my mom told me was great, and she is dead. So powerful that influence a Gandhi, even so I didn't writte it until now. And so... well you guys get it now.

Everything started in the 80's in a little village of Chupica, so little that if you fart in one extreme the people of the other side knows that was you. So charmi that even the elders are hot. So nice and polite that people use the few guns of the village as park decorations. It was a good town, it was a nice town.

But the story is not about the town, is more deeper than that, is about a gentleman. Sir Roger Waltermelon was a lier, a thief, a scamer and a rat. Yes he was a rat, literally speaking.

Everything started with the father of Sir Roger Waltermelon, the Sir Pancu Pancu. He was a nice man, a man of science and logic, who didn't had any hair of dumb, well he didn't had to much hair in head to be honest and he had weird a religious behavior. Every monday he cut his nails, nothing of the other world, but every nail longer than 0,9 centimeters he save it in a bottle, a bottle in a closet fulled of bottles with the same purpose. Not only this, but he has always had a weird fetish with shoes, he loved shoes, more than a woman does, because he doesn't only buy shoes in a sexual maner, he also like every shoes he buy, every new shoes pass by his tounge, and his pleasure doesn't end there because when the shoes were old and ragged he hanged them in the roof of his room, the bathroom, the kitchen and even places that didn't have roof.


Ok, critic me plz.

Here is a list of what this might be, in order of likeliness:

1. Troll post making fun of how artists and writers will call anything art. You were hoping for true praise which you would then mock.

2. A very strange story which uses poor grammar to try to convey a deep message, perhaps it is the perspective of a mental patient.

3. You have terrible grammar and want help improving.


Ahahaha. Could you be any more obvious a troll?

See #1. /:'

ClockHand
01-18-2011, 04:51 PM
I want 4. English is not my native language and I want to improve. What abotu that? because if you don't like it you can put your fist in your ass (yeah I'm that cute).

jubeh
01-18-2011, 07:24 PM
Not sure if you can see that thing under clocks avatar that says he has been warned. That being said if you ignore him he will leave kind of like micheal jackson.

Fenn
01-19-2011, 05:19 PM
I want 4. English is not my native language and I want to improve. What abotu that? because if you don't like it you can put your fist in your ass (yeah I'm that cute).

Oh yeah?


Let me remember.

Well I didn't like the lack of deepness in the character (no background story of the other characters, no explanation of interest and goals, etc), a lot of accion that didn't make sense, a main story layered by a egocentric story, and bad narration.

I don't remember EVERYTHING but I think this is mostly what I dislike about the movie.

Now the movie is not bad like The Expendables, but neither is amazing as many mini Nolan fans are screaming. The movie is ok, but its die when you think (and its supposed to be an accion film with more phylosophycal implications. Failing in this, because if you think a little the movie fells down).

Bad grammar huh?


Not sure if you can see that thing under clocks avatar that says he has been warned. That being said if you ignore him he will leave kind of like micheal jackson.

I don't see anything but I'll take your word for it. Thank you. And I don't really mind so long as he doesn't kill the thread. I mean, techniically it is a story sort of...

Next writer may post...NOW!

Tanatos
01-21-2011, 09:00 AM
I'm the next?! Things ran so fast D:

Ok, one or two days my history will be here =]

Fenn
01-21-2011, 10:03 AM
I'm the next?! Things ran so fast D:

Ok, one or two days my history will be here =]

Hurry! Jk but btw we aren't going in order any more.

Tanatos
01-21-2011, 10:10 AM
The rise

Long painfull years of torture and opression. A common story, repeated over and over again. And here we are, telling that story, waiting for a hero, waiting for a chance to fight, to scape, to change the tides of our fate.
It will end tonight. One way or the other. It will finaly end. Here we are on the woods outside the main castle. All the workers, I mean, all the slaves of the empire. Holding their tools as weapons, weapons crying for freedom, crying for a chance. The night cover our heresy, the cold warm our hate, and here we are planing.
After a few minutes of discussion the old man of our new formed ‘militia’ said loud to all of us:
-Lend an ear to the old man who talk to you. Tonight! Tonight we’ll strike the opressor into his own home, into his heart, and may our sacrifice spread trought the wind. May our brothers and sisters hear our call. We shall tremble the very base of the demon!
Everywere people were cheering, dancing, hugging and kissing their families, for the last time. All the ‘soldiers’, I almost don’t dare call them like that, were ready to atack. I was on the front lines, sixteen years old and going as the ‘flag man’. Such a young soldier holding such an enormous responsability. I was glad with my duty, I was in front, I was supposed to be the first to die, quickly. But, oh, how wonderfull is the hability of fate to change itself...

It's here!

brain132
01-21-2011, 10:37 AM
I was on the front lines, sixteen years old and going as the ‘flag man’. Such a young soldier holding such an enormous responsability. I was glad with my duty, I was in front, I was supposed to be the first to die, quickly. But, oh, how wonderfull is the hability of fate to change itself...
Too many commas here. But other than that, good job.

Tanatos
01-21-2011, 10:38 AM
Too many commas here. But other than that, good job.


Ok, I'll fix that, thanks o/

pajamajam
01-21-2011, 11:53 AM
Lot of spelling errors there.

Tanatos
01-21-2011, 12:23 PM
Lot of spelling errors there.

I was afraid of that. Well, I'm sorry, I'm better in portuguese xD

pajamajam
01-21-2011, 12:31 PM
I bet I would have figured that out if I'd looked at your location. XD If you need someone to proofread, I bet there's a lot of people who are willing.

Tanatos
01-21-2011, 12:38 PM
I bet I would have figured that out if I'd looked at your location. XD If you need someone to proofread, I bet there's a lot of people who are willing.

Yeah, I'll look for help, even my english sucking you guys don't deserve to read a kids text xD

Fenn
01-21-2011, 09:08 PM
Grammar Edit:


The rise

Long painful years of torture and oppression. A common story, repeated over and over again. And here we are, telling that story, waiting for a hero, waiting for a chance to fight, to escape, to change the tides of our fate.
It will end tonight. One way or the other. It will finally end. Here we are on the woods outside the main castle. All the workers, I mean, all the slaves of the empire. Holding their tools as weapons, weapons crying for freedom, crying for a chance. The night covers our heresy, the cold warm our hate, and here we are planning.
After a few minutes of discussion the old man of our newly-formed ‘militia’ said loud to all of us:
-Lend an ear to the old man who talks to you. Tonight! Tonight we’ll strike the oppressor in his own home, into his heart, and may our sacrifice spread through the wind. May our brothers and sisters hear our call. We shall tremble the very base of the demon!
Everywhere people were cheering, dancing, hugging and kissing their families, for the last time. All the ‘soldiers’, I almost don’t dare call them like that, were ready to attack. I was on the front lines, sixteen years old and going as the ‘flag man’. Such a young soldier holding such an enormous responsibility. I was glad with my duty, I was in front, I was supposed to be the first to die, quickly. But, oh, how wonderful is the ability of fate to change itself...

It's here! =D

Up until the last chapter it was fairly generic. But the last paragraph chilled me--in a good way. The narrator, 16 years old, the flag man? To be in his shoes, holy smokes. I don't know if I'd have the heart...then again, you made it clear how much he and his people have been through. When he said "I was glad with my duty, I was in front, I was supposed to be the first to die, quickly," that's where the chill hit me. He was excited! And what is his final fate? How does he survive? Wow, I like it.

I'd probably remove the emoticon though. Just a personal preference.

Tanatos
01-22-2011, 11:32 AM
Grammar Edit:



Up until the last chapter it was fairly generic. But the last paragraph chilled me--in a good way. The narrator, 16 years old, the flag man? To be in his shoes, holy smokes. I don't know if I'd have the heart...then again, you made it clear how much he and his people have been through. When he said "I was glad with my duty, I was in front, I was supposed to be the first to die, quickly," that's where the chill hit me. He was excited! And what is his final fate? How does he survive? Wow, I like it.

I'd probably remove the emoticon though. Just a personal preference.

Oh, thanks Fenn, I'm happy my history pleased you, thanks for the grammar correction =]

And about his fate... Well, for now that's a secret ;]

And sory for the emoticon, It's becoming an addiction D:

Fenn
01-23-2011, 08:14 PM
Oh, thanks Fenn, I'm happy my history pleased you, thanks for the grammar correction =]

And about his fate... Well, for now that's a secret ;]

And sory for the emoticon, It's becoming an addiction D:

I'm about to emoticon-vict you in a second!

Seriously I'm dying for the next part. But for now...

The next person may post.

brain132
01-25-2011, 05:41 PM
By the way Fenn, I thought of a new rule we could add since most people don't really post if they aren't assigned to. So I thought we could assign for someone to write a short story if three days go by without a story.

Renzokuken
01-25-2011, 06:33 PM
Just a little snippet for opinions:


Life’s great but can be a total bitch at times, y’know? Like when your beautiful, caring girlfriend dumps you for some completely soulless douche that’s been your enemy since you were knee height. Or, or you have the entire school’s population of girls avoiding you because some prick said you were a chronic masturbator and whilst been caught in the act, you bled....Yeah.
I’m usually the go-to guy about these kind of situations (they have a problem, I help them stay strong through it; kinda like an Agony Uncle but less helpful). I apparently have incredibly good luck so maybe if they even breathe some of my air, my luck will rub off on them (or so they say).
They say every guy has a certain amount of luck when it comes to life. Women, money, grades and then one day it all stops, but not for me I’ve been lucky, lucky, lucky my entire life....Well until now, which is why I need you to listen so I can clear my head. But yeah, anyway, let me put it into perspective...Okay... Imagine a guy and he got up precisely at 6.15 a.m. as usual and showered for exactly 11 minutes. All time afterwards up until 7.00 a.m. was dedicated to preparing his clothes, his hair eating his breakfast, brushing his teeth, etc. Now imagine said male plays a couple of games for a bit to kill time till about 7.25 a.m. He then goes for his bag and leaves the house, saying bye to his parents, knowing of the 7.35 bus that runs by his house once every hour and a half. He his outside of his house at 7.30 a.m. and makes his way to the bus stop and sees it driving off up the hill. He stares for a while, a lone tear trickling down his cheek. It was early. He is now late. The bus route on foot takes about 50 minutes. He has to be in for 8.00 a.m. Sharp. There is only one thing that he can say at that moment.


“Argh....socks.”


So yeah, crits please.

brain132
01-26-2011, 11:55 AM
I like the words that came out of him. Haha. I'm a bit drowsy right now, so the only I found to point out is:

They say every guy has a certain amount of luck when it comes to life. Women, money, grades and then one day it all stops but not for me, I’ve been lucky, lucky, lucky my entire life....Well until now, which is why I need you to listen so I can clear my head.
You have a grammar mistake. I think you need to put a comma after stops and a period after me. I think. I can't really think right now.

Fenn
01-26-2011, 09:43 PM
Multipost...

Fenn
01-26-2011, 09:46 PM
By the way Fenn, I thought of a new rule we could add since most people don't really post if they aren't assigned to. So I thought we could assign for someone to write a short story if three days go by without a story.

Sounds like a good idea.


Just a little snippet for opinions:

Life’s great but can be a total bitch at times, y’know? Like when your beautiful, caring girlfriend dumps you for some completely soulless douche that’s been your enemy since you were knee height. Or, or you have the entire school’s population of girls avoiding you because some prick said you were a chronic masturbator and whilst been caught in the act, you bled....Yeah.
I’m usually the go-to guy about these kind of situations (they have a problem, I help them stay strong through it; kinda like an Agony Uncle but less helpful). I apparently have incredibly good luck so maybe if they even breathe some of my air, my luck will rub off on them (or so they say).
They say every guy has a certain amount of luck when it comes to life. Women, money, grades and then one day it all stops but not for me, I’ve been lucky, lucky, lucky my entire life....Well until now, which is why I need you to listen so I can clear my head. But yeah, anyway, let me put it into perspective...Okay... Imagine a guy and he got up precisely at 6.15 a.m. as usual and showered for exactly 11 minutes. All time afterwards up until 7.00 a.m. was dedicated to preparing his clothes, his hair eating his breakfast, brushing his teeth, etc. Now imagine said male plays a couple of games for a bit to kill time till about 7.25 a.m. He then goes for his bag and leaves the house, saying bye to his parents, knowing of the 7.35 bus that runs by his house once every hour and a half. He his outside of his house at 7.30 a.m. and makes his way to the bus stop and sees it driving off up the hill. He stares for a while, a lone tear trickling down his cheek. It was early. He is now late. The bus route on foot takes about 50 minutes. He has to be in for 8.00 a.m. Sharp. There is only one thing that he can say at that moment.


“Argh....socks.”


So yeah, crits please.

Just a suggestion, don't put your story in quotes b/c when I try to quote it it doesn't come up. Just an ease of use thing, kinda nit-picky.

I liked it. Got to know the character very well, most people will relate to at least some part of it, conversational tone done fairly well. Me likey.

Renzokuken
01-28-2011, 04:28 PM
Brain: Oh, snap. Thanks for the crit! I'll think I'll edit that now... :D

Fenn: Ah, alright, then. Thanks, man. :D

brain132
01-28-2011, 05:11 PM
For all the members of this thread, I'm going to be making a voting thread of how we are going to do the posting order and such. Details will be in the thread.

Fenn
02-03-2011, 07:16 PM
Is anyone else going to post? If not maybe I'll try tomorrow.

brain132
02-04-2011, 01:07 PM
Its been decided to go back to the old posting order Fenn. Instead of going in no order, you need to make a list of your group and tell them when to go in that order. You can go ahead and post your own story though.

Edit: I love your new avatar by the way:D

Fenn
02-04-2011, 10:11 PM
Its been decided to go back to the old posting order Fenn. Instead of going in no order, you need to make a list of your group and tell them when to go in that order. You can go ahead and post your own story though.

Edit: I love your new avatar by the way:D

Oh kay. Can I reset the order then? Post if you were in this group and I'll add you first-come, first-serve. Check beck and I'll post whose next.

brain132
02-05-2011, 07:55 PM
I thought you already had an order...?

angel_dreamer13
02-06-2011, 05:02 PM
*checks list for this thread* oh hold on, does that mean I'm next?

Fenn
02-10-2011, 10:23 PM
I thought you already had an order...?


*checks list for this thread* oh hold on, does that mean I'm next?

Yep my bad lol!

Tanatos
02-11-2011, 04:51 AM
I'm a little bit lost, I don't get it, how will be the order? (o_o)?

brain132
02-11-2011, 12:25 PM
Look at the first post by Fenn. He has the list in it of the order people will post

angel_dreamer13
02-11-2011, 04:53 PM
Yep my bad lol!
O____O
ohcrap.
can I have 2 days since I just now found out?

brain132
02-11-2011, 08:43 PM
Haha. I don't see why not.

angel_dreamer13
02-11-2011, 08:45 PM
thankyou ;__;
now for the writing. *cracks knuckles*

brain132
02-11-2011, 08:54 PM
By the way Fenn, when I moved the third thread to this site, no one really came back. So if you get any new members then send them to the 3rd thread.

Fenn
02-13-2011, 12:27 PM
By the way Fenn, when I moved the third thread to this site, no one really came back. So if you get any new members then send them to the 3rd thread.

Can do.

brain132
02-21-2011, 08:21 PM
so do you have anything angel_dreamer?

angel_dreamer13
02-21-2011, 08:39 PM
actually, yes. I'm sorry, I forgot about the thread, but I have something short.

----------
I saved you when you came to my door. I brought you inside with my arms over your head, trying to protect you from the lashing rain. I cared for you as one would care for a bird with broken wings, not capable of flying on its own. You repaid me by destroying me.

I tried to struggle, alone, through the thick city air before finally collapsing on your doorstep, as helpless as you had once been. You did not glance at me, even once, before shutting the door in my face.

You stole from me. You stole my trust, and my kindness. You stole my last scrap of hope as you turned your back on me. The coldness in your eyes which I glimpsed, only at the end, has been there all along, waiting for a chance to strike. I was to blind to see it.

So, why do I pity you?
---------

I feel depressed, I write depressing things. cause and effect.
um, yeah. tear this apart. :D

Fenn
02-21-2011, 09:43 PM
actually, yes. I'm sorry, I forgot about the thread, but I have something short.

----------
I saved you when you came to my door. I brought you inside with my arms over your head, trying to protect you from the lashing rain. I cared for you as one would care for a bird with broken wings, not capable of flying on its own. You repaid me by destroying me.

I tried to struggle, alone, through the thick city air before finally collapsing on your doorstep, as helpless as you had once been. You did not glance at me, even once, before shutting the door in my face.

You stole from me. You stole my trust, and my kindness. You stole my last scrap of hope as you turned your back on me. The coldness in your eyes which I glimpsed, only at the end, has been there all along, waiting for a chance to strike. I was to blind to see it.

So, why do I pity you?
---------

I feel depressed, I write depressing things. cause and effect.
um, yeah. tear this apart. :D

Interesting. Not too much to say since its pretty short. Don't be ashamed of writing what you feel either. Its a great emotional release. The bird metaphor is suitable but wordy. Its deep too, I wish there was more to it. I feel awfully bad for the narrator so you did something right.

brain132
02-22-2011, 08:34 PM
I liked the way you expressed and described his feeling like Fenn said. Really good (: