View Full Version : BozeSG's Mind Leaks

04-29-2011, 07:43 AM
I made up a comedy story a few days ago and since i probably won't turn it into anything, i thought i might post it here:

Sky Mermaid
The story is about a boy who's scared of anything he sees. one day, his parents decide to go on a trip so they leave him with his uncle who's house is in the seaside for a few weeks.
the boy tries to cope with his fears so that his uncle and his wife won't know about his cowardliness, but one time, in the middle of the night he freaks out when he sees his own shadow on the wall while going to the toilet, so he runs out of the house and hides in the beach nearby, but again he freaks out at everything he sees (mostly, about the fact that the line between the sea and the sky is not distinguishable) there so he runs back into the house.
the next day, when he wakes up, he finds a baby mermaid (as big as his thumb) in his uncle's aquarium on the verge of being eaten by the other fish, turns out that at night, whenever the sea line cannot be seen, the sky and the sea connect and this baby mermaid had fallen from the sky to the sea and got into the boy's cloth when he was hiding in the beach.
the story revolves around the boy trying to raise the mermaid in three weeks ( the mermaid's got a frightening growth speed ) so she can go back to her home in he sky.

sorry if my literature skills suck, that's the main reason i got into manga and stuff that don't need much writing.

EDIT: i decided to turn this thread into a story/plot critique thread, from now on, i'll just post new stories/plots which come to my mind so other users say their critiques or comments about it. how is it going to help me? i'll become more and more skilled in both creating stories and telling them and i might get a hint of how the reader reacts to stories... so i'd appreciate it if you would just post your thoughts about the stories or point out things that are wrong about them.:cat_see:

FYI, the stories posted on this thread are mostly not going to be used by myself, so if you ever became interested in drawing a manga based on them, just let me know.:cat_thumbsup:

05-01-2011, 03:20 PM
I don't like the way the mermaid appears, it seems a little too fantastic, if you know what I mean. I think having her fall out the sky or something would be more interesting than giving a weird, hand-waved explanation involving the sea and sky 'connecting'. I also think you'd need to foreshadow the appearance of the mermaid rather than just having it happen at random after he goes home.

Other than that, though, I like this significantly more than most of the story ideas that get posted here. It has a pleasingly 'fairytale' ring to it, like some of the old European folk tales, and if you executed it correctly it could be very interesting. On the other hand, it could be terrible if you did it badly (anime tropes would turn this into an abysmal Moe-style story), but that applies to everything. It's not cliché-ridden, though, and the concept is somewhat original, so I think you should give it a shot and look forward to reading the end product. :D

sorry if my literature skills suck, that's the main reason i got into manga and stuff that don't need much writing.
Manga is harder to write than pure prose precisely because it utilises fewer words: what little there is needs to make as much of an impact, when combined with the images, as a large quantity of text would in a novel. You shouldn't forsake writing skills entirely unless you plan on having a partner to do all the writing for you.

05-01-2011, 04:37 PM
Yeah, that's what i thought at first.... but later i came against this huge obstacle: "HOW THE HELL IS SHE GOING TO GO BACK TO THE SKY?":monkey_headbutt:

Those stories were actually the theme i based the story on, but unfotunately :monkey_ehheh: i even don't have the qualifying skill to turn that into a manga... that's what i mostly do, i make up stories in my mind when i'm bored, then i keep some in mind to turn into manga after i earn the skills and i just forget about some ( i can't turn a hundred stories into manga afterall, no matter how skilled i become ), so as i said at first, i just posted this cause i thought it'd be a waste to just forget it.

i know what you mean, my problem with literature is just describing stuff, i just can't describe stuff with words, i can't really get the scene that's in my head to the reader, that's why i'm trying to do that with manga... and i'm not forsaking them, i'm just saying that i'm not really talented in them (and english isn't my first language ,my own language has little popularity too.)

05-01-2011, 06:12 PM
I agree. I like the idea, but it could go into moemoeland or Ponyoland really quickly if you're not careful. (And man, did I hate Ponyo. </unpopular opinion>)

05-03-2011, 03:20 PM
i know what you mean, my problem with literature is just describing stuff, i just can't describe stuff with words, i can't really get the scene that's in my head to the reader, that's why i'm trying to do that with manga... and i'm not forsaking them, i'm just saying that i'm not really talented in them (and english isn't my first language ,my own language has little popularity too.)
Just some advise, I think you could maybe post a short story or something with as much detail as you can put in it, and have it crit and see what you need to work on with your detail or anything else. Unless you don't like your work to be crit. That's something that helped me though.

05-07-2011, 11:52 AM
@brain132: I'll be using your advice then.... on a bit bigger scale. thanks.

05-08-2011, 04:05 PM
OK! so this is the second story:
It's been 40 years since the citizens inhabiting cities last saw the sun, it all happened when it started emitting a weak kind of radiation that would mutate human's soul, weakening it until the human would die of the lack of living courage. unable to move the colonies into other planets, the governments made counter-measures by creating a movable cloud of smoke made from nano robots to cover the sky, but the problem with that would've been the impossibility of satellite coverage and thus the reduction of security.
With that in mind, the governments added a capability of "tagging people" to the nano machines, the system worked like this: every person with legal identity would need a "tag camera" attached to the back of his neck, recording everything in his life, the nano machines would judge the person with a smart software. every person would be allowed a white and bright tag camera after birth but if he commited any crimes the colour of the camera would fade into dark black.
the story has a parallel structure at first, switcing between a death row prisoner with a pitch black tag camera who is sentenced to sunlight possibility (exiled from cities) and a couple with bright gray ones who hold a high status within the nobles in the city and then it proceeds with the couple running away from the city and meeting the death sentence prisoner.
after that, they decide to make a village in a cave, accepting anyone who is abolished and banned from cities.... but that won't last long as the city governments starts to attack their growing community, with getting fed up with the attacks, the villagers decide to infiltrate cities and take down the government...

05-10-2011, 07:45 PM
(anime tropes would turn this into an abysmal Moe-style story)
We do NOT need another one of those. Like most concepts, this has potential to be good, but Delph said enough about that.

I like this second story just a bit better (though the portrayed mood of the first one was more to my liking). Though, if they're sentenced to the "possibility" of sunlight, how would the governments attack them? Missiles? Drones?

I like that there's a lot of possibility for conflict. First of all, looking at the projected ending, what would actually happen if the refugees managed to take over the cities? While it seems like the right thing in the context of the stories, a city run by people who who were cast out of it for various reasons would NOT last long. One side of the cast could believe this to a good thing, i.e. if the government who cast them out was communist if they were capitalist, or vise-versa, while the other side could be thinking exactly what I just did.

Also, would the refugees accept a serial killer? How about a rapist? Or a pedophile? Or a serial killing child rapist? There should be conflict there. I hesitate to say "the more the better," because if we're so overloaded with problems that we can't keep up with the story, it's not gonna work. Everyone has their individual problems to deal with, but at the same time there are a lot of overshadowing problems that affect them all.

All in all, this is quite a good concept. It's been done before, but nothing's truly original. There are really only a few basic plots in existence*; it's all in how you write it.

*The first seven . . .
1 - [wo]man vs. nature

2 - [wo]man vs. man

3 - [wo]man vs. the environment

4 - [wo]man vs. machines/technology

5 - [wo]man vs. the supernatural

6 - [wo]man vs. self

7 - [wo]man vs. god/religion

. . . can also be grouped together and put into another group of seven:

1. Overcoming the monster -- defeating some force which threatens...
e.g. most Hollywood movies; Star Wars, James Bond.

2. The Quest -- typically a group setoff in search of something and
(usually) find it. e.g. Watership Down, Pilgrim's Progress.

3. Journey and Return -- the hero journeys away from home to somewhere
different and finally comes back having experienced something and
maybe changed for the better. e.g. Wizard of Oz, Gullivers Travels.

4. Comedy - not neccesarily a funny plot. Some kind of
misunderstanding or ignorance is created that keeps parties apart
which is resolved towards the end bringing them back together. e.g.
Bridget Jones Diary, War and Peace.

5. Tragedy - Someone is tempted in some way, vanity, greed etc and
becomes increasingly desperate or trapped by their actions until at a
climax they usually die. Unless it's a Hollywood movie, when they
escape to a happy ending. e.g. Devils' Advocate, Hamlet.

6. Rebirth - hero is captured or oppressed and seems to be in a state
of living death until it seems all is lost when miraculously they are
freed. e.g. Snow White.

7. Rags to Riches - Cinderella.

And there are even more ways to classify them, but everything boils down to those few things.

--disclaimer: I ripped those examples and stuff from Google answers.

05-11-2011, 02:17 PM
Like i said, i had a fairytale story in mind when i wrote that, do i look like someone who only thinks about moe to you?:cat_yell: /jk

I'd say that there isn't any threat if there's no sunlight so the government soldier would only need to wear protective clothing, well... covering themselves from the sun is how the refugees keep living anyway.

I was thinking more along the lines of them being unsuccessful and die:monkey_chainsaw: but i guess i still hadn't mentioned that so you're pretty much right.

That's a very good point! i guess i should keep their community a bit more limited so that i can proceed smoother (for example, throw in the government attack a bit sooner.)

I didn't understand what you meant in the last part and the spoiler,:cat_whirly: did you mean that every story can be written in a few different styles and those are the ones mentioned in the spoiler?

05-24-2011, 04:54 PM
This third one is a bit one shot-like...

The story is set in a flat earth... or should i say... two flat earths...
Rast and Chap are two broad and flat plate-like continents parallel to each other in a way that if someone from Rast would look up at the sky with a very powerful telescope, he would see someone who's living in Chap and vice versa. In the middle these two plates is a another plate made out of unbreakable hard glass, which is essentially there to cancel out the reverse gravities of the two worlds.
The people who lived in these two continents were proud of themselves and in the hope of gaining domination, they started to attack the other world, but the glass plate made them all ineffective creating a situation of discomfort for the residents in the two worlds.
And so, the younger class started a new way to challenge each other: Graffiti Wars.
By wearing protective clothing for the atmosphere pressure ( it looks like an old diving suit ) and a new technology for creating long ropes, they hang from the glass sky with a hook and they try to do graffiti on it, there are no rules, it's just that whoever does it better earns more respect for his/her continent.
Now the story, is about a graffiti artist who has made a home for himself in the sky and his job is to monitor the other artists who do graffiti on the sky and keep a record for their works, but one day, he sees small cracks on the glass sky....

Phew, this plot was pretty hard to explain...

05-24-2011, 05:34 PM
That sounds interesting. Definitely original, but I'm not sure about the science behind it. I wouldn't particularly care about the science, but lots of picky readers might.

05-25-2011, 12:13 PM
Yeah i'm not sure either....:monkey_question:

But that doesn't matter, it's a fantasy. picky readers should just stick with their stupid and boring reality.

05-25-2011, 01:11 PM
If the plates orbit around each other like a binary planet (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Binary_planet), then they can remain equidistant without the need of a glass barrier to 'cancel out' gravity.

05-25-2011, 01:45 PM
^ lol, Picky reader that should just stick with his boring reality... jk:cat_ohoho:

I'm aware that they can do that, but if there's no glass there my plot would be meaningless, so i'm going to stick with not orbiting around each other...

anyway... no comments on the plot itself?

EDIT: this post sounds a bit rude, sorry...

07-15-2011, 05:38 AM
sounds like a game..
I played
tales of Eternia(tales of destiny 2)
tales of symphonia
and some other tales i don't remember the name..
and they have those kinds of worlds... and no explanation of the science behind it.. (well that would be obvious cause it's just a game)
but i don't think it would be a crime to make a story like this...
nice one boz and i like the sky mermaid as well,

07-16-2011, 12:41 PM
thanks, glad you liked them. i've never played the tales series actually (only a bit of vesperia, well until my x360 went RROD four times and i eventually lost interest in it.) but you're right, reality limits creativeness. i'm trying to be as creative as i can with my stories (but i've been neglecting story making for a while), anyway:

i've been working on a manga story for the past two weeks and i made one which was designed to contain many things i need to learn in drawings so i could improve while creating it. but i gave up when i realized that i'm being way too arrogant and i need to improve more before i start it.
but i thought it'd be a waste if i forgot it and i came up with the idea to write it down in a novel-like format, with that being said, this is my first actual experience in writing something so i'm both slow and bad at it. please critique everything... (i know there are many problems with it so there's no need to hold back...)

This may come across as weird to some people, but the first thing I can say about myself is: “on February 2nd 2222, I died…” Excuse the lack of sense in my words for I am utterly disappointed with it. To be honest, the very thought of how this all began makes me furious but I will try to do it once as an exception so you can keep up with my story.
Since the day I was born, I had an obsession with light. I remember seeing some films of myself from when I was a baby, in them; my brothers and sisters used a lamp to teach me how to walk, because it was in my nature to go to every place which is brighter. In my childhood, I developed a habit of switching the lights on and off at midnight, seeing the darkness illuminated by the light always left a wide smile on my face.
I first learned the metaphor of good and evil being the light and the dark in middle school; inevitably, I became attracted to the idea and I began being kind and generous to every kind of people in my surroundings.
After changing myself, other people started to trust me and they did whatever in their power to help me. Parents started to invite me to play with their children and the children lent me everything on every occasion. Those times were the ones I treasured the most and I kept working hard to keep them. Being someone close to other people introduced me to one thing that became my only entertainment in the future: comics. I fell in love with the heroes who put themselves in danger for the sake of good immediately and I wanted to be one by saving all the people in the world, just thinking about the ‘treasured times’ I could receive by being a hero filled me with excitement, And that’s how my attraction to light turned into the desire of being a hero…


My anger was adding heat to the fire in my heart, “Answer me, why do you need to involve innocent lives in this madness?!!” I shouted with anger. “Innocent lives? The only thing innocent in this world was her and she’s no longer here, you who claim your innocence took her from me!” my body was battered and I could feel the energy leaving it. The crowd’s screams were filling my brain. I slightly raised my head and took a good look at my opponent’s face; his eyes were barely showing any signs of life, it was almost like someone had wiped away all of his inside emotion from a clean whiteboard.
“What are you going to do? Mr. Hero!” he pointed his gun at the cage beside him. In it, there were four people lying down, scared to death. My grip hardened on the Edo period katana that I had bought online. The man continued: “weren’t you the one who always stopped all my plans for salvation? Aren’t you the one who swore he would protect the world from any darkness?”
-Salvation my ass! The only thing you did was randomly killing people!
-Shut up!! You inferior beings wouldn’t know the greatness of my work, purification is the first step that needs to be taken! But I don’t care anymore, in a matter of minutes; this whole country will no longer exist! By assassinating the king, a war will break out and humanity will be destroyed by its own hands!
A sudden chaos began in the crowd taken hostage by him; screams could be heard from everywhere. Among them, a single one from the cage pierced my mind:”save me! Asha…” Blood boiled in my veins; I dashed forward with all of my might. It took him a few seconds to realize that I was running towards him and by the time he did, the distance between us had already been halved. I lifted up my katana and let out a cry. His reaction was fast; he quickly pointed his gun at me and pulled the trigger.
Maybe it was an effect of the adrenaline in my body but everything started to slow down, I could see the bullet coming at me with great speed. Unconsciously, all of my muscles, from the shoulder to the arm and the fingers, started working at full power. Before I knew it, my katana had hit and blocked the bullet.
Amazed by my own capabilities, I got in range and lifted my katana again. That’s when a sudden pain started straining my arm; the effect of the stunt I pulled with the bullet was showing up. The target didn’t waste any time, he screamed and took out a knife from his belt and stuck it in my stomach. My vision darkened, I couldn’t hear anything; perhaps the hostages had all been watching me in silence to see the climax of my last struggle.
“hahahahahaha!” a nervous laugh rang in my ears, it was from the villain “in the end, you’re just a mere human. What can someone like you do? Now, it’s time to pay your price for being arrogant and be forgotten in all history!”
Another laugh started ringing my ears, it was mine. “Forgotten? Sorry but I have no intention of being like that…” in a quick motion, I tore out the scabbard from my belt with my left hand and bashed it against the right side of his face “I’m a hero! There’s no way that I’m going to be forgotten!”
The force from the hit was so powerful that the scabbard flew out of my hands and landed three meters away. The villain was lifted from the ground and then came down again head-first.
Suddenly, the battle ground exploded with cheers “Hero! Hero! Hero!” a smile appeared on my face “I did it! I saved the world!” that was all I could think of.
-He’s injured! Somebody call a doctor!
-Yeah! Hurry!
-You finally did it, didn’t you?
The last comment came from a girl in the cage “thank you Asha!” my smile grew wider. I turned my back to her”remember this, no matter where you are, I will always protect you...” I picked up my katana from the ground and sheathed it with the coolest pose I could think of.
Everything went silent as fast as it had began, I looked at the people surrounding me who had turned their cheers into silence, and then at the scabbard three meters away from me lying on the ground, and then at the blood coming out from the new wound on my chest.
As I fell onto the ground, only two words were dancing in my brain: “no way!”
Yes, that’s right, dear readers. The first thing I can say about myself is: “on February 2nd 2222, I died like a complete fool. Nobody has ever since remembered my name…”
this is just the prequel (which i originally didn't plan to write) and it doesn't introduce much about the plot... i'll try to write the first chapter as soon as i can.

EDIT: i'm beginning to get worried that this might not work in this kind of format. probably a manga would suit it better...

07-18-2011, 12:16 AM
i don't know...
maybe it does work on that type of format, the story is a little too much cliched, that only happened in manga formats, so have to put a lot of details on them using words

i've never played the tales series actually (only a bit of vesperia, well until my x360 went RROD four times and i eventually lost interest in it.)
i really want to play tales of vesperia. IF ONLY I HAVE AN XBOX360!!! man i'm so envious of you dude!!

07-18-2011, 04:21 PM
i agree:cat_cryincorner:

...the story is a little too much cliched,...
this pretty much proves that it's a failure in literature format, and so, I WILL GIVE UP, BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA. but worry not, i'm feeling ultra mega super motivated/inspired so i will turn it into a manga eventually (and in the mean time, i'm going to keep posting any new story ideas i have here...), and

i really want to play tales of vesperia. IF ONLY I HAVE AN XBOX360!!! man i'm so envious of you dude!!
the last time i saw my xbox was when it had been RROD'ed for the 20th time... how nostalgic! then i had to leave it when i immigrated and changed places... my only companion now is my old laptop...:cat_sad:

07-18-2011, 09:49 PM
well i could be wrong, to tell you the truth i haven't written any stories before and the only story book i ever read is sherlock holmes series and conan doyle always put detail of what the person is exactly wearing and information of every single thing that is happening, age of the person and he even explain some of the wrinkles he/she got sometimes, which is (i think) that if in manga format it's explained only in drawing. so i don't really know and i could be wrong.

07-19-2011, 07:25 AM
No, you're completely right. it'll be much more easier on me if i turn it into manga a while later...

08-17-2012, 10:17 AM
all right, I'm back now with more mind leaks. now this story is a project i've been working on for quite a while. here is the first chapter of part 1:

Jake Hemsworth wasn’t just a simple run of the mill gun for hire; he was a war veteran with enough intelligence to be the leader of an army and he had enough tactical skill and brute strength to counter any difficult situation.
Then why did I agree to do this, anyway? Jake asked himself as he was descending in an elevator with three other armed bodyguards and a scowling fat pig. Scowling fat pig, Jake was barely able to hold back his grin after coming up with that undeniably fitting adjective, so with lots of effort he was finally able to hide it in an overly irritated face. Never the less, the irritated face was noticed by the said pig.
-Is something bothering you? Mr. Hemsworth?
-No, pi- … sir. It’s nothing.
-I’m sure that a man of your caliber wouldn’t make that face for nothing; did you perhaps feel the killing intent of someone nearby?
Jake rolled his eyes around. Killing intent! What a huge load of crap!
-No, sir. Everything is completely fine.
Actually, there were a lot of things by the definition that he could count ‘wrong’. Just like their destination: the parking lot. Jake didn’t like parking lots, for a bodyguard or mercenary parking lots were a loose hell made of security holes and places to conduct assassinations, but no matter how much he argued against it, the pig wouldn’t consent to not going back home without driving his luxury Bentley or even letting someone else bring it for him.
A loud beeping noise was heard from the doors, they were at their destination. “All right, boys. You know the protocol…” Jake said while looking back at the three other men accompanying them in suits. Fernando, Jerrod and Bob; out of them three, only Bob had a personality to Jake’s liking. Usually, bodyguards leave an impression of discomfort on the people who make eye contact with them. But Bob was different, he even refused to put on shades in contrary to Fernando and Jerrod; he said he didn’t want to scare away anyone who dares to try something when he’s around. Jake liked that type of things, formalities are just too much of a pain to deal with; others should take it easy too once in a while.
-What are you waiting for, Mr. Hemsworth? Shouldn’t we get going?
-Right. Sorry, sir.
The pig’s interruption blocked his train of thoughts and he stepped out of the elevator, leading everyone else after him. Stupid pig! Oh damn it, that name is going to stick for a while now, I have to be careful.
Jake shook his head and focused on his surroundings, as expected the parking lot was pitch black. Behind every car there was a good amount of shadow to hide in, which meant that there were a lot of good vantage points for any assassin to start shooting from. In this situation, they had no choice but to just cover the client with their own bodies from all four directions.
The others didn’t need Jake to tell them that, they had already positioned themselves around the pig and only left the front spot open for him to cover. The atmosphere was tense and even the fat pig didn’t dare make a noise. Jake went smoothly into his position and just as he raised his hand to give the go signal…
The low pitched sound of a telephone echoed through the parking lot.
Jake took his gun out as quickly as he could and aimed it straight at the source. The source was a mobile phone in the hands of a relatively young woman dressed in a tuxedo. Its light was shining on her face, revealing her location in the middle of the darkness. She slowly raised the phone towards her left ear and Jake’s hands stiffened over the trigger of his gun…
-what is it, mum? ... mhmmm … mhmmm.. yeah… so she’s out of her cage again? Oh…
Jake and the others were drowned in silence as she continued talking casually on her phone. After a few seconds, bob’s laughter broke their silence. “Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!” he stepped towards the woman and started talking “young lady! You really shouldn’t be scaring us like that!” and he took another step. The woman raised her hand to silence him and continued talking “all right, look, I’m working right now, ok? I’ll call you back as soon as I’m done. All right, love you!” Bob sighed and started walking towards her. Jake’s hands stiffened more on the trigger, he had a bad feeling in his gut, “Bob, stop! Don’t take anoth…” but he was too late, as soon as the woman ended her call the nearest car to bob exploded into flames.
“Shit!” Jake fit the pig’s head into his palm and pushed him down alongside himself and protected him from the explosion with his own back. After the silent awkwardness that had taken over the mood everything went into immediate panic. He could feel the intense heat on his back, but his mind had gone numb from the shockwave sound and the pig’s screams and shouting was preventing him from fully concentrating. He tried to regain his senses and looked at his surroundings. The woman was no longer there, instead of her, there was only bob’s charred corpse, still in flames. She’s going to come again! After that thought crossed his mind, he immediately stood back on his feet.
“Fernando! Cover my back! We’re getting the pig out of here!” no signs of any answer was heard “FERNANDO!” Fear suddenly took over. “Umm, boss! Fernando’s dead!” Jake looked down near his foot and saw Fernando lying there on the ground with Jerrod at his feet, his throat was slit from side to and the blood flowing from the cut had colored his shirt dark red.
How did she do it? It’s impossible! Where did she come from? This isn’t good, I’m losing it. Calm down Jake! He took a deep breath and analyzed the situation again. He had to think quickly, the flames in front of him were a huge light source, she wouldn’t risk coming from there because her shadow would give away her location easily, and also she would be expecting them to run towards the exit which was to their right. So it’s either the left or the back? No, she needs the element of surprise. A spark was suddenly generated in his head. “Get the pig and follow me Jerrod!” and he ran full speed towards the exit.
He kept his head straight and started counting in his heart, one… two... three… four! With the number four he pointed both his head and his gun to his right. With his absolute surprise, the woman was sitting on her knees right in middle of two normal sports cars with a gun in her hand, still not ready to shoot. Jake stopped and a grin formed on his face “I won, bitch!” he shouted. A smooth and calm voice spoke in his ears “No, you have already lost…” a cold piercing sensation started from the left side of his neck and it continued into the same place on the right side. He felt the flow of blood exiting his body and everything turned pitch black.


Ignis was completely confused, she did not have any idea about what to think after seeing what had happened in front of her. In the place of the bodyguard who had a gun pointed to her head a few seconds ago, there stood another one; Wiping the blood off his combat knife in the most relaxed way possible.
“Well, this is awkward…” the first one to start speaking was the bodyguard “there goes all my plans, right down through the drain…” though what he said was not at all threatening, his cold and emotionless voice put Ignis on guard and made her put up her weapon. “Relax… I’m not an enemy…” and he took off his sunglasses.
Ignis put down her weapon again; the eyes behind the glasses were familiar to her. It took her a few seconds to link them to a name: “Noroi?”
It wasn’t a big surprise that the eyes by themselves were enough to identify him. His facial structure was normal and with the sunglasses on his face, there would be nothing that could stand out from his looks. But when he removed them, he revealed the emptiest and the most expressionless eyes that a human could possibly possess. His eyes were jet black; In fact, it was nearly impossible to recognize the difference between his pupil and iris from afar; and he did not show any signs of life in them, even with the reflection of the flickering fire in his eyes, it seemed impossible. In short, his eyes looked as if they were dead.
Compared to him, Ignis was the polar opposite. With her red hair tied in a long pony tail behind her back and her blue eyes, she looked extremely flashy. If someone was to describe the scene in which Noroi was walking towards Ignis, the best way to go about it would probably be ‘The hell spawn looking down at an angel’.
“Would you mind sharing the reason…” Noroi started talking as if he was lecturing a school kid for vandalizing the school blackboard “…why you are after my pray, Miss Ignis?” Ignis finally started her first sentence “What do you mean “my prey”? I’ve got direct orders from Caz to do this!” she seemed to have let down her guard after recognizing the man.
-El Cazador swapped our targets after realizing that this one is more suited for my services. Duke should have contacted you about that a week ago…
-What? Why did he do that? I can take care of these guys in my sleep.
-It didn’t appear to me like that… if I wasn’t here just now, you would have failed the mission…
Ignis was just about to throw out a comeback when she was interrupted by a cry of pain coming out of their target’s mouth. The fat man had apparently fainted after Fernando was killed and now he was slowly regaining consciousness on the ground.
“We are not in a situation to be arguing about this right now” said Noroi while turning away and walking towards his target “Somebody has probably called the police and they might be here any second. I’m going to clean up here, you go take care of things there…” and he pointed towards the stair case leading downstairs. Ignis shook her head in agreement.
By the time Noroi had lifted up the target from his collar and was twisting his arms over his neck, she had already disappeared.

EDIT: I Extended it a bit... english is not my first language and i have to fix a lot of problems until my writing gets proper. any grammatical or story-wise critiques are welcome.