View Full Version : Oh gross, reading.

04-11-2011, 04:27 PM
I decided to start a writing thread. This is mostly humorous, and maybe something serious every once in a while. I'll just post up the stuff I wrote up during computer class.
The first two are sort of sexual. Just letting you know. Lol.
Remember the party last night?
I awoke in a strange room. It took me a few seconds to realize I was in a hotel room. Groggily I went to the bathroom. I peered through my slit eyes. My dark skin looked paler than usual. I could barely remember last night. I struggle to remember. I was at a rave last night. I was with her- no him, all of last night. Three people already had been with him before. Wet and used I put it on. I had no idea where it came from, but the important think was that it worked. I try to blow some life into him; he is limp, like a rag. Soon he comes too;
"Damn man, what happened", asked the stranger. "I think you stopped breathing. Your friends told me you had been smoking pot and drinking a lot tonight. You're lucky I'm a med student." I take off the pocket mask. His friends and I had taken turns trying to bring him back. He looks lost and dazed, even higher than before. "Well uh, thanks I guess." He walks away like nothing happened.
Staring bleakly into the mirror, I know that in my future years as a doctor, I might not ever find a patient as apathetic as him.
Man Handeled
His soft hands pick me up and slowly undo my buttons. He is young, and I have been in the business too long. His superiors, whom he lovingly calls Ma, and Pa, are not around. He opens me up and looks inside, taking me apart piece by piece, slowly inspecting every part of me. When he is done, he realizes his mistake, and he can’t put me back together. I want to cry, but instead he does it for me. Soon his wailing brings in one of his superiors.
“Tommy, what are you doing with the remote? Give it to me now!”
Sad and confused, the two year old relinquishes me to his superior, and I get to live another day.

Army of One
I knew this day would come. I saw my comrades, every day being sloppily used. Unfeeling, using us every day, our master sends us to battle. I knew my time was coming. I can hear the gears turning, the sound of others who have died before me, the smell of ink overwhelming. I start to prepare for the worst when the unexpected happens;
“Damn, the shredder is jammed again.” He leaves to find some scissors.
Thankfully, I have been spared, but not for long. Soon he returns with my long time nemesis, the scissors. This time, I know I cannot escape my fate. He opens the window nearby and begins his work on cleaning out the shredder. I look for a way to escape but I know this time my fate is inescapable. Soon wind flows into the room and me and my comrades break free. “Free! Free at last!” We all scream for joy, as his stupid mistake leads to our freedom through the window. Gracefully I fall down the ten-story apartment building. I land in a puddle and slowly die.

This isn't gay at all. Really. Trust me.
Coming Out
Her laugh broke the silence. “You’re joking, right?” “No, I’m totally serious here” I said. “Is it really that hard to believe?” Martha stared at me for a while. “Dan put you up to this didn’t he?” “I know how him and George always bul-
“It’s not them. I just woke up this morning and decided to tell you.” I interrupted her. Martha hates being interrupted. And being told she’s wrong.
“I know you can be a feminine sort of boy Charlie, but I know you’re better than this. I know this is some kind of phase, and that it will pass. You’ll get older and you’ll wonder why you did all this and laugh at yourself”
“Mom,” I said. She knows I’m serious when I call her mom. I’ve always called her Martha, even as a small child. “I want to express myself and I feel telling you, is the first step to everything. Besides, you would learn about it sooner or later.”
“I know the first step to everything is getting you some help. First it’s this and then before you know it you’re taking drugs and sleeping with anything that moves.”
I sigh. There’s no way I’m going to get her to understand. “Let’s talk about this later, okay? I’m going to be late for the bus. Bye Martha”
I pick up my bag and leave, and she gives me a hug. “Ok we’ll talk about this later. Have a good day at school okay?” I smiled. “Okay.”
At the bus stop I told Dan and George how it went down. “Dude, she totally overreacted”, said Dan. “Yeah I know man; my mom wasn’t that surprised either when I told her. Said she did the same when she was my age”, agreed George. “Yeah, I didn’t think she’d be that worked up over me getting a tattoo. You should have seen her when I got my ear pierced”.

04-11-2011, 05:52 PM
The last one is absolutly amazing. I'm still laughing.

You are very good.

04-11-2011, 10:20 PM


04-12-2011, 06:11 AM
Perv. Who, me? I'm just a writer:monkey_nosepick:

04-12-2011, 09:17 AM
Awesome. You posted really short, interesting stories. Even people who can't sit down and read paragraph upon paragraph without losing interest could read yours (people like me).

Maybe I'll start writing stories of Slurpee-length. Again, these are really easy to read.

04-12-2011, 10:12 AM
A friend of mine has a very dark sense of humor. She was feeling down and she said she wanted a fairy tale with no happy ending. Well, father got a happy ending, but this story is pretty wierd. Also a bit longer than the others.

Happily Ever After

Once upon a time there was horribly ugly girl born to an exceedingly rich family. Like every other family they tried to hide their misgivings. She was the family's only daughter, seeing as the mother had killed herself after giving brith to such an ugly child. Father tried so very hard to make her beasutiful, but no amount of jewlery, clothing, or male up could hide how ugly and monstrous she really was. Since no tutor was willing to teach her, she was also very ignorant and stupid. Father said if it weren't for religion he would have sold her to a brothel a long time ago.
The only creature stupid enough not to mind her ugliness were animals. So she spent the whole entire day singing songs to animals in the garden because they were the only ones that would listen. Ironically she became an amazing singer, but sadly the animals were to stupid to notice. Her Father did, however. He was estatic! Finally his monster of a daughter was worth more than livestock!Oh wait, nevermind. She isn't. He remembered that she was a woman.
one day, she became of marrying age. Finally, he would get rid of his worhtless daughter. He could retire and have her be someone else's problem. Hopefully he could pay some poor farmer to keep her.
Father got a local boy to send news around town that the richest man in the area had a daughter of marrying age. She was was kind and could sing. But of course, he did not mention how ugly she was.
Soon marriage suitors came, but of course left after seeing her fuck ugly face. Even those who stayed and had listened to her singing still didn't want her.

"Hell no! I would never even bone. She's probably horrible in bed. She'd dumber than a pile of shit."

Soon everyone in town had heard of the ugly girl, and even the blind didnt want her sorry ass. Distraught, Father gave up and decided to send her to a convent. Even God accepts the useless and stupid, as long as they are willing to believe he figured.

On the day shewas to be sent away, a Fairy Godfather appeared before her. Of course, not the smartest girl in the world, she said this:

"What in fucks name is this! I don't even get a proper Fairy Godmother"

The Fairy Godfather gave the ungrateful bitch a dirty look."I was going to help you, but seeing as you're ugly and a bitch, I'm going to use you to fufil another client's wish," he sneered. The Fairy Godfather used his magical powers to give her voice to Susan Boyle. "I'm sure sweet Ms.Boyle deserves this voice more than you do."So the ugly bitch was sent to a convent in a different country and died as a mute nun. Father has his Happily Ever After because he boned the niehgbors daughter and got a very handsome son.

The End :)

04-12-2011, 01:19 PM
THAT is awesome!

Wow, you have a fricking messed up sense of humor.

04-12-2011, 03:04 PM
I'm going to do a poetry audition tomorrow and I need to come up with something that won't get me expelled from school. I made a story about an emotional and unemotional person though.

Oprah is cancelled
My brother and I are polar opposites even though we are identical twins. People describe me as 'unemotional', 'heartless', 'that weird guy'. I prefer introverted. Others would say my brother is 'shy', 'extremely caring', or 'a total priss' I agree with the last statement. Mr Winston is a great example.

A year ago, our first year in college, we were renting our rooms from a nice elderly couple. We returned from spring break to find Mr. Winston dead, with our cat eating his face off. Charles burst into tears. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Oh God, why, wy did this happen!?!" Nonchalantly, I stare at the mangled creature. "Well this was going to happen sooner or later," I told Charles. " I hated that fat old fucker anyway." Suddenly his sobbing stopped. "How...", Charles sniffled, "how could you be such a horrible bleep. I know you have problems being expressive James, but this is going too far!" Ugh. Even now he refuses to swear. The worst I've ever heard him say is 'duh'. "I don't care what you think. We should bury his body in the backyard. The smell is horrendous." "THE SMELL," screamed Charles. "Mr.Winston has his face eaten while he's dead, and all you can think about is how he SMELLS!?"

"I know I should have bought some Febreeze on our grocery stop before coming home." He bursts into tears again. "Mr. Winston was a member of our family, and now he's gone. He deserves a proper burial." I began to unpack the food and make a mental note to buy some Febreeze when the front door opened.

"Sweet baby Jesus, what's that smeel?" It seems the owners had arrived home, to find Mr. Winston decapitated. "oh bloody hell", whispered Mrs. Jones. "The dog died. Where's its' face?" "Good thing it's gone", said Mr. Jones.
"I hate that fat old fucker anyway."

Charles says the only time I've smiled that big was when they cancelled The Oprah Winfrey Show.
Face eating is fun!:monkey_chainsaw:

04-12-2011, 03:06 PM
Awesome. You posted really short, interesting stories. Even people who can't sit down and read paragraph upon paragraph without losing interest could read yours (people like me).

Maybe I'll start writing stories of Slurpee-length. Again, these are really easy to read.

Thanks. I want to do these sort of stories because alot of my friends don't like to read:cat_cryincorner:

04-12-2011, 04:19 PM

04-12-2011, 05:15 PM
Slurpee, you have a sick sense of humor . . .

. . . that correlates nicely with mine. I might try my hand at writing these little skit-type things now.

Can I recommend you make a new paragraph for each new speaker in dialogue, though? It might make it a bit longer, but it'll make your stuff a lot easier to read.

04-12-2011, 09:25 PM
Sure, I'll keep that in mind.

04-14-2011, 08:28 PM
I don't know how to make the first paragraph of this better. This story is about why you should always take your meds.
Medicinal Intervention Part 1
On my way to school this morning, I was late. Mom leaves for work before I wake up and I forgot to turn on my alarm clock. I felt like I forgot something important. When I bent over to tie my shoe outside, I noticed something moving in the corner of my eye. It was a tiny little red speck. Then, as it got closer I realized something. It was a garden gnome.
Now I’m not the most intelligent of people in the world. I got held back in Kindergarten for “behavioral issues,” but I know for a fact, that garden gnomes do not move. They also do not try to hide behind bushes in a feeble attempt at camouflage. In all my twelve years of life I have never wanted to suddenly take a shit out of pure fear.
I decide to keep on walking.
No such thing as living garden ornaments. As I keep on walking to school I notice that the gnome has begun to follow me. I can hear the clink of his little shoes. He suddenly stops when I stop, and sometimes makes very bad attempts at hiding. I begin to speed up, and his tiny little gnome legs cannot keep up with me.
Suddenly, I break into a sweat. Why is he following me? “Please sir, please slow down. I can barely keep up with you!” Oh great, it talks too. I keep staring, straight ahead, telling myself this isn’t happening.
Gunshot! Crash! Slowly, I turn around. The little garden gnome has…. Exploded? Shot? Garden gnomes can’t live but guns are real. Who cares about school, I’m getting the fuck out of here. I run home, turn off all the lights and hide under my bed. I try to rationalize that the garden gnome didn’t feel any pain from the bullet, but it doesn’t seem to work.
At some point I decide to get out from under my bed and make myself some nachos. I turn on the television and realize that I need this day off. Anyone would after seeing defenseless tacky pieces of talking lawn furniture get whacked.

This one is about a husband to plan his wife, well at least at first.
Toothpaste Part 1

Bertha and I have been stuck together for the past forty years. Now, by stuck together I mean, I knocked her up when I was 18 and she was 16. Bertha doesn't believe in marriage. " I don't need the state of New York to tell me I can legally piss you off. I can do that just fine without a certificate." But I, Michael Jefferson being the God fearing man that I am, married her.

Now I remember why I am an atheist.

Marriage has times of give and take. When I wanted to buy a new car, I kept the money for the kids' college. When she wanted new shoes I bought new shoes for her. If Billy got caught getting slinky with the neighbors' whore of a daughter, I blackmailed the neighbor. Looking back on my forty years with Bertha, I realized that it was a take and take with her.

I couldn't take it anymore. Some people are annoying but Bertha is what my grand-kids call a grade A biyatch. That woman never learned how to let loose.

One morning, on a Sunday I woke up early for work. It was one of those perfect mornings with the sun shining and the birds singing. The sort of morning that makes you want to just lie in bed and relax. I went to the bathroom to to take a piss. Bertha was already using the toilet.

"Good Morning, darlin'"
"Mmmf," she said sleepily, while trying to take a shit.

She left the bathroom and I began to use the crapper too. I came back because I realized I forgot to shave.

Then the most horrible, disgusting, thing in the world happened.

Oh no. Oh no anything but this. I cannot and will not stand for this. The first time this happened I forgave her. But she did it again. How could she? After everything I do for her in life, she can't do the simplest groveling task of putting the task back on a tube of makeshift astronaut food.

I decided from that moment on that I would kill her.