View Full Version : I need critique

05-12-2013, 10:14 PM
Manga Name: Rules ( need a better name)

Genre: Shounen, Action, Adventure, Demons, Super Power, Supernatural

Synopsis: The organization Reficul created the 4 realms, realm of the Demons, Angels, Degels and Humans. They created a very harsh set of rules everyone must abide by or they'll be punished, They are a secret organization only people of the royal family know. They are a dangerous organization whom secretly run the entire universe behind the scenes, Using the high positioned people as pawns in the universe to achieve their goals to bring the entire universe into an age of darkness.

Meet Altair a knucklehead, former prince who was always abused by his father, One day he was banished from the realm of the Degels to where the Humans live the worst of all realms, Earth where there is numerous wars every day, poverty, discrimination, starvation, etc, for disobeying the organization Reficul by breaking the rules. He finds himself in a house where he meets a man whom tells him he is destined to change the rules or a age of darkness would prevail. His village is attacked 10 years before He decided to set out for an adventure to form a group and an army to change not only the rules but the entire universe. During his journey he meets many people whom would become either his friend or foe.

I need critique to make it more interesting. Thx in advance

05-13-2013, 03:06 AM
Based on the given information, this manga is generic. Look at this:

Meet [hero/ine], a(n) [endearing trait] and a(n) [claim to power] who was abused by [guardian]. His/her parents and/or hometown was/were destroyed/killed by [antagonist/criminals/monsters] [x] years ago. Banished from [homeland], s/he soon finds out s/he's a(n) [important figure] destined to save [land/continent/world/galaxy/universe] from [antagonist]. S/he sets out and forms a [group] to change/save the [setting].

This formula and its variants (http://www.saber-scorpion.com/comics/sywbaa_formula.php) can be applied to 90% of fantasy-oriented media. Stories that follow this formula are rarely entertaining because it's so constraining. Less restrictive formulas, such as the monomyth (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monomyth), can and do often yield interesting, original stories, especially when interpreted loosely.


As the title implies, the core of this story is the rules and their enforcement. That bit is actually interesting, but the hero and the plot are stereotypes to the dot. To make everything more interesting, change things up. Give your hero and villains both some humanity, some flaws, some virtues. Reduce the absolute evil of the organization, make its goals more sensible.

If you must make Altair destined by fate to be a hero (must you?), at least make him react interestingly to it. Do something we rarely see: for example, let him deny his destiny and actively work against it, or have him never find about about his destiny and just live out a different path while the old man wonders where the chosen hero is. If your hero has to follow his destiny for the story to work, let him play with it. Let him mess with it and maybe screw it up altogether. Let him test its boundaries. Let him react and interact interestingly with this abstract force.

Recommended reading: Limyaael's rants (http://www.forresterlabs.com/limyaael/titlelistall) (all of them), Writing Excuses (http://www.writingexcuses.com/) (all of them), and the Evil Overlord List (http://www.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html) (consider augmenting your villains' intelligence with several of the items on this list).

I also do my own essays on fantasy writing, linked below.