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Morfedly
05-06-2013, 10:08 AM
Just a little poem I wrote for a Creative Writing class back when I was in high school, I'm curious as to what you guys will think.


A Dead Current


Dead bodies float through the river

of consciousness, between banks of

forgotten feelings and dead dreams.

Talent is fading, and what is art

is dead. There are no true windows

to the soul in this technological empire.


I wonder when the floodgates will open.


Driftwood of halfbaked ideas and

bits and bobs of shattered moralities

float twixt the brain dead cadavers of

broken idealists and censured creators.

Art for the money kills the creative

process; and destroys all hope of

producing anything decent.


I wonder when the floodgates will open.


In this society we live in,

one can hardly breathe

in this haze of consumer

halitosis, let alone thrive

and spit out anything

worth paying attention to.


I wonder if the floodgates will open?

Matt
05-13-2013, 08:32 PM
This is my first time giving feedback on a poem. Wait for other posters, as my analysis will be imperfect.



A Dead Current


Dead bodies float through the river

of consciousness, between banks of

forgotten feelings and dead dreams.

Likening consciousness to a river is nice, if a bit overdone, and drawing a visual of feelings and dreams is also good. However, describing them as dead and forgotten, while alliterative, is ham-handed in my opinion. I recommend something like "between feelings black on the banks / and dreams dredged from the riverbed" to give a more solid image to abstract "feelings" and "dreams" while retaining alliteration.


Talent is fading, and what is art

is dead. There are no true windows

to the soul in this technological empire.

I'd avoid "windows to the soul" and "art is dead" in a medium as prone to cliche as poetry. On the other hand, I like that you've considered form and ended the line with "what is art" and let the next complete the thought.


I wonder when the floodgates will open.


Driftwood of halfbaked ideas and

bits and bobs of shattered moralities

float twixt the brain dead cadavers of

broken idealists and censured creators.
Painting cadavers into this creek certainly strikes up a new image, especially coupled with the "art for the money kills the creative" line. I like your sense of form.


Art for the money kills the creative

process; and destroys all hope of

producing anything decent.
A semicolon is jarring when "and" works perfectly fine. Add spaces for a lengthened pause. That's allowed in poetry. I like the alliteration here a lot, especially internally with "producing."



I wonder when the floodgates will open.


In this society we live in,

one can hardly breathe

in this haze of consumer

halitosis, let alone thrive

and spit out anything

worth paying attention to.


I wonder if the floodgates will open?
"In this society we live in" is inelegant. Removing the final "in" or rephrasing the line to contain a single "in" may work to its gain. Finally, as a slight technical critique, the final line as it's worded is not a question and shouldn't have a question mark.

-
You clearly understand that concrete imagery is best, but I feel like your imagery is forced into concreteness, like you're just barely painting enough of a picture to get by. I should be able to see your poem in my mind in all its glory, but with as many abstractions as you have with comparatively few concrete images, the mental picture is blurred.

I enjoy your form and I understood the poem easier than many I've read. However, I fundamentally disagree with it. I feel technology doesn't impact art like this poem implies. It doesn't help bad art look respectable (lens flares and other "quick-fix" filters rarely improve anything), nor does it cheapen good art. At the heart of every piece is still an artist, whether they drew it on a Cintiq or in a sketchbook.

Still, the purpose of prose and poetry is to advance an idea. This one is good to discuss.

Morfedly
03-28-2014, 12:49 AM
Thank you very kindly for your critiques, and I'm sorry it's taken me more than a year to respond.