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DrPumpkin
01-14-2011, 11:44 PM
For those who are new and decided that the second thread is the better place to join rather than the first thread, this is a place to post your short stories and have them critiqued by our wonderful other people at MT.

If you're from the original thread and you've been kicked out, er, I mean, transfered here, then welcome. The rumor about the free cake was a lie. We apologize.

Right. Rules.


Whoever wishes to post a story next, regardless of the list order, may do so. HOWEVER, once someone posts a story, everyone else must wait 2 days before posting their story, to give people time to read/critique it. Also, once you have posted a story you may not post another until at least one other person has posted a story and the 2 days is up.

Savy? 'Kay.

Begin!

ScarletHue
01-15-2011, 05:50 AM
This is really difficult huh.. this is the first serious story I have ever written so yeh..i really really need help.

I am happy

I'm happy. I have freedom , I have joy , I have love and after much hard work posses a degree in law and social justice. Graduated top of the class too , from Oxford no less. I'm going to become a lawyer. The pay check appeals to me as does the amount of power that will soon be mine. Things have never been this good , hell even marriage is on the cards. What does she look like ? Chinese origin with beautiful brown eyes and matching hair. Her hair is long , it reaches down past her shoulders complementing her slender figure. I love her. I love her not for her beauty but for her loyalty. Life is truly great and as I said , I'm happy.

These are all things I once thought. Since then things have altered and oh my how it is indeed for the worse. I have subjection , I have sorrow , I have hatred and no longer does my academic prowess matter to the world. I will not become a lawyer nor ever work for the unethical monopolistic powers at be. I would much sooner beg for coin on the streets of London then I would serve those who took my love from me. This is not right , this is not at all what I have learnt about all that is just.

Alas it is not only I that has grievances, many in number are those taken away in secrecy. More so then myself do i pity the members of society whom do not match the so cakked 'ideal ', for those members are no longer members. I have no clue what or where they are but she is with them and I am not. Unfortunately I have been born in resemblance to their ' perfection ' and am cursed with a place in their elitist haven.

Here then I remain amongst the streets. Alone ? No , they are with me and they will resist and when they do I will stand with them fearless of the coercion of the state and moreover angered at their very existence. I reject the state and they reject it more so then I. Those who remain and have yet to be taken by the captors of their brethren, they are the people I stand with. We must bring down the state , we must challenge its dominance as we cannot allow such people to hang power over our heads as though we are mere insects. I will stand with them. We will resist and if this resistance does lead to the cemetery so be it. To resist. Is to win.

Son44
01-15-2011, 07:02 AM
A couple of typos, but other than that it's pretty... I dunno...

Don't get me wrong, I just don't know what to say. Most likley it's because I don't write in that sort of style. Because now it reminds me of a guy summarizing the facts, with little feeling or interest.

Thats pretty much all i can think of. Again I don't write in this sort of "style", so someone else should be able to give you better critic than this

brain132
01-16-2011, 01:26 PM
Okay, first I've got to say thats the best intro for a thread I've seen! XD
But yeah, son's got the right idea. You need to increase your style to where it has feeling. Like at the beginning you said I am happy. I have freedom. You just simple point out what the character is feeling when you could use better detailed words to explain. Cause it doesn't express much when you simple put what they feel.

Things have never been this good , hell even marriage is on the cards. What does she look like ? Chinese origin with beautiful brown eyes and matching hair. Her hair is long , it reaches down past her shoulders complementing her slender figure. I love her. I love her not for her beauty but for her loyalty. Life is truly great and as I said , I'm happy.
Don't tell the story like you are talking to someone and they ask you something. Give enough detail to where there won't be any questions needed. And when you talk about her features, you still need good formatted detail.
Ex.
Her hair is long , it reaches down past her shoulders complementing her slender figure.
If you just switch the words around a bit, then it would sound better.
Her long dark hair reaches past her shoulders, complementing her slender figure. (You didn't give a color, so I just made it dark.)
the sentence that I made was used with the same words as yours (except for dark). I just got rid of some unnecessary words to give it a good flow.

So I would say the main thing you need to work on is detail, and how to get a good flow for your sentences. Getting the flow will probably be the easier part to get down. I've been writing for 2 or 3 years now, and I still need to work on the detail of my stories.
Oh, and you have some incomplete sentences. In a sentence you need a verb and a noun. In some places it would be alright to have an incomplete sentences, cause one of my favorite authors does that sometimes, and it still looks good. But you want to avoid them if you can.
But over all, this isn't bad for a first serious attempt.

ScarletHue
01-16-2011, 05:11 PM
I thank both of you for the crits first of all :)

I see what you both mean about the lack of feeling now and the example really helped me understand brain.

Il try to incorporate what you have said when it is my turn again.

DrPumpkin
01-18-2011, 04:09 AM
Right-y ho. That's Mr/Ms. Illustrate's turn over.

The next person can post any time they want.

Yara
01-19-2011, 04:32 PM
A very useful thread Dr. =)

brain132
01-19-2011, 05:59 PM
A very useful thread Dr. =)

... I'll take credit... XD I had to say that.

Avy16
01-21-2011, 03:00 PM
I guess I can go now.

She was going nowhere fast. It was as if every muscle in her body was being sliced in half. Her bones ached and she could not move without extreme pain. She had been running at full pelt for hours now. Trying to get away from the men chasing her. All she had wanted was a loaf of bread. how was she to know that it was where they had hidden their latest theft? A large uncut diamond, she would never go hungry again. Any kind of food would be easy to buy if she managed to sell it, but alas she was not nearly as strong as those persuing her. Even if she was stronger than anyone else she knew she would not even win in a fair fight with these thugs.

She had ran into the woods boardering the city. Hoping the foliage would give her some cover. It had helped a little bit but not much. She had already taken a bullet to the shoulder but she was not about to give up somthing worth so much, when it had fallen right into her lap. She had already considered giving it up to them but her mind had quickly banished that option. The trees had turned out to be an asset but also a hindrence, the roots were at perfect tripping hight and had endangered her life more than once already. Still she was not to be out done she was ,after all, known as the quickest girl in Arc city.

Even being the fastest person on earth still doesn't give unlimited stamina and she had now resorted to hiding. lying on her belly in the thick undergrowth she tried desperatly to keep her breathing steady and quite without suffocating herself. it was only a matter of time before they caught up to her, and she hoped they would pass and leave her free to flee in the opposite direction.

This however did not happen. She had been waiting so long for a sign that she might be safe, she accidentally dozed off. Whether it was the tracks she had left, the loud occasianal gasps for breath or maybe even snoring. They had found her. She did not wake up from whatever dream she was dreaming but slept on forever still clutching the loaf of bread that held the diamond she had desired so badly. She was found three weeks later by local authorities the autopsy said she was an unidentified girl, who had died from bloodloss due to a bullet lodged in her shoulder.

Please crit.

brain132
01-22-2011, 11:56 AM
Her bones ached and she could not move without extreme pain. She had been running at full pelt for hours now. Trying to get away from the men chasing her.
This is a sentence. Replace the period with a comma.

Pretty good. The ending upset me :( but in a good way. So was the diamond hidden in the loaf of bread when she found it?

Avy16
01-23-2011, 06:26 AM
Thanks for that.
The guys chasing her never found her so yeah the diamond was still in the loaf of bread.

ScarletHue
01-24-2011, 02:57 AM
That was pretty upsetting. I felt pretty drawn into the story at some points, as though I were running alongside her. Some sentances though I think could be structured abit more appealingly

il try to use the quote thing to show you..

Even if she was stronger than anyone else she knew she would not even win in a fair fight with these thugs.

mm kay so like i was saying. Sentances like this one perhaps feel abit slugish. Maybe the use of even for the second time makes it that way.

I thought it was a great story though and i liked / was sad about the ending. Thought it was sad that the thugs never found her yet she died anyway :(.

Is anyone else going to go ? its been more then two days.

DrPumpkin
01-24-2011, 04:11 AM
Yeah, sorry about not being able to critique everything. I'll try my best to do so from now on.

In the meantime, enjoy my piece of work that will undoubtedly make you raise an eyebrow and go 'Whah?' in utter confusion.

-----

“Would you catch a burning angel?"

It was one autumn afternoon that wasn’t quite autumn yet. The haze of summer lingered in the air, carried by the breeze that swept with a silent song across the candle-lit fields of flickering leaves.

“What?”

“A burning angel. How do you catch a burning angel?”

The boy dropped his bag on the floor as the traffic lights turned red and slung it on the other shoulder- his hair rustling across his eyes that were as curious as the waves. The companion began to answer the question, saying ‘Well,” weakly, but stopped to tie his shoe laces.

“I won’t. It’s burning.” Continued the boy with his voice and teeth but not his lips. He had passed this crossing once too often and knew that they could cross in forty-two seconds- however, today it took forty-seven. “It’s burning. Catching it would hurt since it’s burning.”

The companion’s ear lobes swayed as he contemplated this. A second car whizzed passed and it was green.

“But it’s a messenger of god. I think we should save messengers of gods. Especially if they’re Angels.” He said quietly as he discovered that his right shoe was untied as well. The companion did not know that he was standing on a leaf which was desperately trying to escape from the clutches of the rubber.

“I would save an burning angel.”

“Well I won’t. It’s burning and everything. I won’t.”

The traffic lights turned green but as the companion was still fiddling with his shoes, they missed the time to cross. In the next forty-eight seconds they decided to dedicate it on talking about bow ties.

----

Anyone who crits gets a cookie. Since I wrote this as a practice for putting atmosphere in writing, anyone who crits me on that get two. :)

goggy
01-25-2011, 04:03 PM
“But it’s a messenger of god. I think we should save messengers of gods. Especially if they’re Angels.” He said quietly as he discovered that his right shoe was untied as well.

“I won’t. It’s burning.” Continued the boy with his voice and teeth but not his lips.

The speech shouldn't end with a full stop but a comma, and the following verb shouldn't start with a capital letter. So it should be "blah blah," he said and "la la," continued the boy.

Also, God needs a capital G because it's his name. :)

I love how normal everything around them is while they're talking about such deep stuff. XD It's a brilliant contrast. Especially when they talk about bow ties like burning angels is an ordinary conversation you just bring up.

brain132
01-25-2011, 05:37 PM
I agree with goggy. Interesting story. Can't think of anything to crit right now.

brain132
01-28-2011, 05:07 PM
By the way DrPumpkin, if the thread is inactive for 2 or 3 days, then you can assign someone to post.

Edit: And for all the members of this thread, I'm going to be making a voting thread of how we are going to do the posting order and such. Details will be in the thread.

DrPumpkin
01-29-2011, 08:56 AM
Roger, sire.

Oh, and thanks for all the crit. :)

The next person may post if they want.

Son44
01-29-2011, 10:33 AM
Did this one for my english class. Didn't get any critic though DX

Crudely Drawn

“Taxi!!” He plunked into the backseat. “Let’s see...” He fumbled around in his brown, wet pockets and said; “Take me to Spiegel Street.” He searched anxiously through his jacket and trousers, but the only thing he found was an old receipt, a long thin thread and some sellotape.

“Hey, I’m sorry. I don’t have any cash so...” He leaned forward. “I can pay you when we rea...” The rest of the sentence refused to take off from his lungs. In front of him was an orange balloon with a taxi driver’s cap on. Slowly it turned and a pair of crudely drawn eyes, a mouth and something that resembled a nose appeared. He fell backwards and tried to reach for the door.

“Don’t” said a mild, but strict voice, “You’ll just upset him and even make him feel worse...”
“Huh?!” He turned his head. Right next to him sat a small walrus. It was dressed in a black suit, design shoes and had a black fedora on placed on his head.
“Just relax” said the walrus, “You should just pay him with what you have”
“Are you su...” he was cut off.
“Yes. The sellotape and thread should be enough. Isn’t that right Paul?”

The balloon nodded slowly. Suddenly the cap fell off and the balloon launched into the roof. “Hold on!” The walrus leaned forward and taped the thread on the balloon and tied it to a small crotchet shaped thing that had been put into the seat.
“...There we go” said the walrus. The crudely drawn face changed and a rather awkward smile appeared.
Slowly it turned forward and the taxi stopped.

“Seems like you’ve reached your address” said the walrus and leaned backward.
He turned his head and indeed, he was outside his apartment. He hadn’t notice them starting in the first place.
“Didn’t I tell you? He’s a hell of a driver!” said the walrus and guffawed. Meanwhile the balloon had turned and displayed a huge, but crudely drawn grin.

brain132
01-29-2011, 01:17 PM
Really interesting. Only crit that I have is try not to use exclamation marks. And if you do, then only use one. Exclamation marks are more for manga stories. In a story, its usually best to make a comma after the person is done talking, then explain how he said it.

DrPumpkin
01-30-2011, 07:07 AM
I like surreal stuff so I loved it. Especially that the balloon's name is Paul. That made me smile.

I'm not actually sure I can crit it. I suppose I personally would have put a bit more build up to the fact that the driver is a balloon and the appearance of the walrus, but then again, the spontaneous appearance of these bizarre characters really add to the humour of it all.

Avy16
01-31-2011, 09:42 AM
A few typing errors but I loved it. Really funny and like Dr Pumpkin said the suddeness of it all adds to the hillarity.

Son44
02-01-2011, 04:03 AM
A few typing errors but I loved it. Really funny and like Dr Pumpkin said the suddeness of it all adds to the hillarity.

Typos? care to elaborat? Oh and thanks guys!

DrPumpkin
02-04-2011, 08:55 AM
Right-y ho, the next person may go.

brain132
02-04-2011, 01:05 PM
Its been decided to go back to the old posting order Dr.Pumpkin. Instead of going in no order, you need to go in order according to the list of people.

1.DrPumpkin
2.Son44
3.sawyer
4.Avy16
5.Devillan
6.Illustrate me

It would probably make it easier for you if you edited the list into your first post.

DrPumpkin
02-04-2011, 08:38 PM
Roger that sir.

EDIT: By the way, we'll start with Mr. Son for the first story as I've been abducted by aliens.

Son44
02-10-2011, 05:35 AM
Okai XD

brain132
02-11-2011, 08:48 PM
By the way, when I moved the third thread to this site, no one really came back. So if you get any new members then send them to the 3rd thread.

brain132
02-21-2011, 08:22 PM
So you have anything yet Son?

Son44
02-24-2011, 01:28 PM
Argh DX Sorry, just let Sawyer post. I'm a bit buisy atm DX