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View Full Version : Help i need a critique on the manga that im planning to do



Arganois
03-11-2012, 12:16 PM
Title: Gamble Of Life
Genre: Romance ,Drama,Psychological,School life

Im still not done on the story i just need a critique so itll be more interesting :cat_whip:

This will be my first story and manga so bare with me guys :cat_rosy:

The Concept is all about betting their hours of lives and battling using their brains by betting in a situational event . for example theres a dog that is standing on the post and they will bet if the dog will cross the street or it will go in different way. (its just my example i will still look at the internet for better example.) i call it Gamble Fight ( still searching for better name tho.)

but people need to sign a contract first so they can see how many hours what's left on their life after u sign u need to pay half of your life for example u will die by age of 80 after u sign your life will end in 40.

and i will put a Gamble God too. the highest hours of all the battlers. he is the one who will force the protagonist to sign the contract. but his identity will become hidden until the last chapter of the story ..

i need a critique if this will work guys thanks in advance

Rubisko
03-11-2012, 12:57 PM
It sounds a little bit like in death note where you can trade half of your remaining life for the eyes, but since that's not really the central theme of death note it could work to explore the subject. I think you will have to put a lot of thought into the characters who compete in this game; who are they, why are they competing, what can they win, what do they risk to lose and so on.

I think it would be a more interesting game if the competitors didn't know how much life they had to gamble with, and that they could bet more and more during the game, with certain rules, like in poker. Overall I think it's a good idea though :)

Arganois
03-11-2012, 03:13 PM
i appreciate your comment sir thanks

what do you mean they dont know how much life they gamble.

im planning like its a three round match then the man that wins the most of the rounds will win (toss coin in the first round ).

but im still thinking if all of their hours will bet and if the person lose they will given an automatic 24 hours to live and to find sum1 to battle .

saboten55
03-11-2012, 04:43 PM
if u worry about ur story being too similar to
popular manga like Death Note,
i would recommend u to use different types of characters
(ex: outgoing and carefree guy, a quiet middle-aged man, etc)

just my thoughts ^^

Im_not_random
03-11-2012, 08:14 PM
I know you said its just a random example - but the dog going one way / the other sounds more like you're going for comedy - the bets should be nail biting and full of second guessing! The reader should be thinking themselves 'how would I bet!?' to fully connect with the characters.

I think you should make bets bigger affairs - create whole scenarios where characters have several variables to consider. Simple 50/50 chance makes the whole process of betting pretty flat and I don't think you can have a particularly wise / smart character get off by justifying they knew what would happen by 'x' without making fun of the situation itself.

Which is great for comedic relief, but if you want something psychological you need something characters will mull over and second guess themselves about. Putting it down to 50/50 or just completely random chance every time wouldn't have as much of an effect, IMO.

Think about poker, for example - ive always been told you can either be really lucky to win, or know how to play, to win. All the interaction between players - bluffs, tells etc.

It's all just a suggestion of course!

Sylux
03-11-2012, 09:09 PM
You can build up the dog scenario. If you think you can't then you're a poor writer.

Arganois
03-11-2012, 11:40 PM
if u worry about ur story being too similar to
popular manga like Death Note,
i would recommend u to use different types of characters
(ex: outgoing and carefree guy, a quiet middle-aged man, etc)

just my thoughts ^^

thnx for the comment i think yes . but i already create the protagonist and his personality is more on seriousness because like i said its more on psycho, drama


and this story will be more like a one shot

Arganois
03-11-2012, 11:44 PM
I know you said its just a random example - but the dog going one way / the other sounds more like you're going for comedy - the bets should be nail biting and full of second guessing! The reader should be thinking themselves 'how would I bet!?' to fully connect with the characters.

I think you should make bets bigger affairs - create whole scenarios where characters have several variables to consider. Simple 50/50 chance makes the whole process of betting pretty flat and I don't think you can have a particularly wise / smart character get off by justifying they knew what would happen by 'x' without making fun of the situation itself.

Which is great for comedic relief, but if you want something psychological you need something characters will mull over and second guess themselves about. Putting it down to 50/50 or just completely random chance every time wouldn't have as much of an effect, IMO.

Think about poker, for example - ive always been told you can either be really lucky to win, or know how to play, to win. All the interaction between players - bluffs, tells etc.

It's all just a suggestion of course!

thnx for the comment sir . yeah it sounds like a comedy but i will make it like more serious in drawing and in the situation and thats only one of my example

your second to the last paragraph really helsp me thanks. Yeah i guess i will need to think more interesting situations and put bluff it really helps thank you sir

Im_not_random
03-12-2012, 01:47 PM
If you think you can't then you're a poor writer.

That's a little harsh... Sure, putting more behind the dog scenario wouldn't be amazingly hard. Might be a challenge to put something awesome behind it, but everyone gets a bit of writers block every so often. Dunno, my personal opinion is if you aren't feeling it, you should rethink it and maybe go in a different direction. Not just resign to being a poor writer.

If the idea was that individual bets were actually linked together, perhaps convoluted at first but slowly pieced together later, then being unable to flesh the dog thing out to incorporating it into the background plot would be a big problem. The dog could be entirely inconsequential though, with something - or someone in the background being the link instead. Problem worked around and resolved.

But anyway, have thought about this idea a little today. Really warming to the idea and looking forward to seeing what comes of it.

Arganois
03-12-2012, 07:20 PM
That's a little harsh... Sure, putting more behind the dog scenario wouldn't be amazingly hard. Might be a challenge to put something awesome behind it, but everyone gets a bit of writers block every so often. Dunno, my personal opinion is if you aren't feeling it, you should rethink it and maybe go in a different direction. Not just resign to being a poor writer.

If the idea was that individual bets were actually linked together, perhaps convoluted at first but slowly pieced together later, then being unable to flesh the dog thing out to incorporating it into the background plot would be a big problem. The dog could be entirely inconsequential though, with something - or someone in the background being the link instead. Problem worked around and resolved.

But anyway, have thought about this idea a little today. Really warming to the idea and looking forward to seeing what comes of it.
the concept is already done tho the only problem is im really lack of idea on the situations part* im still thinking if i will just put a referee in the middle and the referee is the one who will ask the questions and the setting of the fight will changed into a like they are near on a crime and both of em thinks what should do best to solve the problem itll be more easy than the old rule like they need to find a scenario on the setting and create a situation on that part. itll be more easy but i think the referee will ruin the concept tho . i already add a twist on the concept like doing this gamble will be illegal sum like that . and the loser will automatically given a 24 hours to live and try to find a opponent to live longer. and of course no one will gamble on a 24hours time so thats why i will create a group that their only motive is to fight some ppl that the only time lef on them is 24hours theyre like cruel

trilokcool3
03-13-2012, 07:11 AM
Ok
first very important your story will mainly depend on the events, and a group of loosers about how they will struggle, and the opposite force how they gonna stop this game mainly .
Abt the events yes it should be very very much conceptual, complexe and interesting. And thats where you should concentrate. Events made should be life worthy .
It seems that your concept will make your story complex.
Wishing you luck .

Arganois
03-13-2012, 11:19 AM
Ok
first very important your story will mainly depend on the events, and a group of loosers about how they will struggle, and the opposite force how they gonna stop this game mainly .
Abt the events yes it should be very very much conceptual, complexe and interesting. And thats where you should concentrate. Events made should be life worthy .
It seems that your concept will make your story complex.
Wishing you luck .

thanks for the comment sir it really helps.

Rainbow_Dash
04-19-2012, 08:27 PM
I actually like this concept. The first part with the dog struck me as a little strange but the big picture appears to be very cliché and very unique at the same time. (Will post a longer critique momentarily.)

WhenRabbitsAttack
04-20-2012, 04:40 AM
i like the idea, but it probably needs more refining. i think it would be good if you made it so only certain events were betable. other wise the game would be hard to regulate.

Arganois
04-24-2012, 01:59 PM
actually i already renovated the plot on how it works because its hard for me to think some on the spot events such as that dog thingy.i will put a referee or sumting and he's the one who will gave an idea on how the two ppls will fight and after i watch kaiji i will put more tense on this story like playing with dice too cards etc etc

all i need to do is to sharpen my drawing and some time to draw a manuscript