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Kirikou
01-09-2012, 06:47 PM
In a garden I lie
Motionless
Silent

Not a sound
Across this meadow
where crimson roses
lay scattered
like freshly spilled blood
the air
reeks of death

My eyes close
to endless darkness

------
So um, what did you guys think? I scratch down ideas sometimes when one hits my head, so this one is my latest. I'm a bit happy with it. There's a place above where you can vote, but comment if you want to critique, which is gladly accepted.

kine
01-09-2012, 06:56 PM
That was really good, although I can't really write poems so I can't give any critique.

Sylux
01-09-2012, 09:20 PM
If you're like 10 years old then this is okay. Otherwise, it's very uncreative and cliche. You should work on originality.

Celestial-Fox
01-10-2012, 02:02 AM
Hey Sylux. Don't be a jerk.

Delphinus
01-10-2012, 12:51 PM
He's telling the truth though.

Fenn
01-10-2012, 02:07 PM
If you're like 10 years old then this is okay. Otherwise, it's very uncreative and cliche. You should work on originality.

Irrelevant. Clock already established the fact that originality is impossible.

Delphinus
01-10-2012, 02:16 PM
Fenn you didn't understand that conversation if you think that it applies to what Sylux is saying here

If you think that saying "you utilise too many clichés and use predictable, rather than expressive, word combinations in an attempt to sound meaningful when you have very little meaning to convey; in addition, your imagery is incohesive and thus ineffective; are you trying to show the horrific side of death: 'like blood', or the peaceful side of death: 'motionless, silent'; poems are hard work and require a lot of revision for the poet to select the right words, you can't just 'scratch down ideas' and hope for the best when writing poetry, it's the hardest and most underestimated form of literature" (my brief critique) is the same as saying "HERP DERP THIS IS SIMILAR TO SOMETHING I READ" (what Clock was arguing against people opposing) then I have nothing to say to you.

Fenn
01-10-2012, 08:37 PM
Fenn you didn't understand that conversation if you think that it applies to what Sylux is saying here

If you think that saying "you utilise too many clichés and use predictable, rather than expressive, word combinations in an attempt to sound meaningful when you have very little meaning to convey; in addition, your imagery is incohesive and thus ineffective; are you trying to show the horrific side of death: 'like blood', or the peaceful side of death: 'motionless, silent'; poems are hard work and require a lot of revision for the poet to select the right words, you can't just 'scratch down ideas' and hope for the best when writing poetry, it's the hardest and most underestimated form of literature" (my brief critique) is the same as saying "HERP DERP THIS IS SIMILAR TO SOMETHING I READ" (what Clock was arguing against people opposing) then I have nothing to say to you.

If you refer to that thread I actually argued against Clock. I know exactly what you and Sylux mean, I think my sarcasm production systems are malfunctioning.

Sylux
01-10-2012, 09:21 PM
Oh okay.

But yeah kid just focus on reading some good literature - and lots of it - instead of the junky little poems they give you inside your Literature books in school. Poetry should have as much prose influence as lyrical sorts. Might I suggest some radically different viewpoints like cosmicism to write about? It's quite horrific and a fairly new concept in popular writings, probably sourcing only back to the late 1800s - early 1900s.