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View Full Version : Tag's Light-Novel "Hanako" ( W.I.P)



tag654
11-18-2011, 04:55 PM
Well Before I start,I want to say a few things,one this is copyrighted so far....so It cant be stolen,so please don't try :D

And lastly,I'm open to comments,questions,help(:D),and or critiques on the overall story or advice for it to get better....BTW- This is long so just bear with it XD

This is the original copy from when Me and my writer came up with..so you'll find comments from some people in our group.first part is a timeline and then the other part which is the FULL Storyline:Enjoy.


-Tag



[EDITED] :)

Maxx_Wellington
11-20-2011, 02:01 AM
ok Tag, I get that you are proud of your story, however here, we don't steal art or stories. We all know the pride our accomplisment gives us and this is a safe haven for you to post your stuff for friendly advice on it, free of theives.

now on to the story. I got confused trying to read your story through your site. Could you please post just the story on here? I am very excited to read it!

tag654
11-20-2011, 03:04 PM
I cant man,whenever I try it
it gives me an error,story/plotline is like 20 pages long dude...

unless theres away to post that much on here without getting the error?

Maxx_Wellington
11-21-2011, 12:03 PM
Try posting it section by section in here. if it is too long, then only post what you can in one reply.

tag654
11-21-2011, 02:29 PM
[EDITED] :)

tag654
11-21-2011, 02:40 PM
what ill do though,is once ur done reading ill change all of this to the next pages,and do it that way...the main thing im trying to do with this story is give it arcs...and make it very unique from most animes/mangas...but still capture the audience and be a long running manga series.

Peteman
11-21-2011, 04:58 PM
Wow, this is pretty well thought out, a bit cliche, but then again cliches and tropes become cliches and tropes generally because they work. My biggest issue though is, if the world is about to collapse into anarchy, how is a hospital able to run and why does she go to highschool? For that matter if she wakes up at sixteen she's mist out on 10 years worth of education, she'd barely be able to read and would thus be unable to attend highschool.

At what point does the economy start to collapse? Because it would severly hinder the HEX groups ability to fund the research. How do they get the money anyway, if there spending all thier time 'doing science'? I'm confused about Hanoko's mother relationship with her daughter. Initially it seemed she sold her to them out of desparation. But then it turns out she's part of the group itself.

Other than that, this obviously had alot of effort and thought put into it.:cat_thumbsup:

Fenn
11-21-2011, 06:54 PM
As for posting, it's usually a small bit of text that's causing issues. It's a pain, and I've lost many rants to it before. Try posting bits at a time, then preview, then add and preview again, so if it errors it doesn't delete everything and you can hit back.

tag654
11-21-2011, 07:47 PM
tried,It worked for the few post I did,then it got smaller and smaller,but Im going to try something.

Also,

1.Hospitals run because theyre a medical profession

2.School is education

So basically,If you look at it,world in worse economic state ever,The only jobs that are still availiable are the ones dealing with those 3 (medical,Education,and mostly gov. jobs)

knowing this,one could say that there are very few people working at the schools though,meaning a sixth grade class taught by like 2 teachers would be 6th,7th and 8th - taught by 1 teacher.


See all the other jobs are pretty much bankrupt.


about her intelligence - me and my co- writer haven't really came up with an explanation for these,but I guess u could say that the formula enhanced the way the brain could comprehend different things and different ways to perceive so....That would mean her brain is not smarter,it can just "keep up" and update itself putting 2 and 2 together,learning things.

If you have better explanations to solve this,please do state it!XD

Maxx_Wellington
11-22-2011, 02:25 PM
Tag, I don't want you to think I forgot about your story or lost interest, I am just still trying to digest all the info. I will post a comment when I am done reading and am happy that you have more followers

tag654
12-13-2011, 09:11 PM
Thread revived?XD

Anyone who cares to critique the storyline?give ideas?

tag654
12-14-2011, 09:58 PM
So I need some opinions from writers readers on how to or how I should do arcs in my story or planning,like.....How/where would you put in an antagonist...? stuff like that....

Thanks,If commented upon :D

ClockHand
12-14-2011, 10:18 PM
First of all you need to ask yourself "what is the story going to tell?". Is going to be about a man fighting against nature? against another man? against himself?. Then ask yourself "why?", is he fighting against nature to save his family from a tsunami? is he fighting against another man for power? is he fighting against himself because of the fear on his own evil?

Then you build the protagonist and antagonist, both must have clear personalities, personalities that are going to state the point on the story. You don't want to bend the story so the protagonist have to face the antagonist, its better if the protagonist or antagonist chose the conflict.

An arc is finally a chapter of a big achievement or recognition from the protagonist. Let's take by example: X character have low self stem, the antagonist does bully to him but X is tired about it so he train and finally confront his bully. Finally X learn a lesson from both training (life experience) and his confrontation against his bully. And that basically resume an arc.

tag654
12-14-2011, 11:06 PM
@clockhand

yeah,I get it,a bit.

I understand the fundamentals around positioning antagonists and stuff somewhat (not trying to contradict myself XD),Im just asking for examples,i guess....Its like,mentally I know what I must do...but I need a good example to understand completely,not that your example wasnt good....:D

.................................................. .................................................. ............
Me and my writer,we made it this far....but our story is just very broad with no real definition of battles or multiple antagonists like in one piece or naruto,where you have people they go against along the way.


Better yet Ill rephrase the question(Now realizing the question I meant to ask):

How would I put battles/fighting against antagonists in my story or in a story?

I think this question puts more emphasis on the fact that I have no clue how to plan(?) a fight scene in a story?


Anyways,If anyone understands what Im saying,then please feel free to elaborate XD



[EDITED] :)

ClockHand
12-14-2011, 11:38 PM
There are no "antagonists" in a story, there are never multiple antagonists. Naruto or One Piece are not exceptions, both have a ver clear antagonist. In the case of Naruto the antagonist is hidden between pawns or character with other goals, while in One Piece there is a unique antagonist but there are small antagonist per arcs.

There are no plural antagonists, there is just one.

Now with this clear, if you want to make different "villains" fight between each other, search causes to provoke that. Example: fight of power inside the group.

And the same goes for fights with the protagonist or secondary characters, search causes, and see how the character should manage it.

tag654
12-15-2011, 12:19 AM
ok...Sorry 'bout the "multiple antagonists" thing,had no clue if it was antagonist or antagonists!XD

but I think I got it now:D

tag654
12-16-2011, 12:18 PM
Can someone help me out?
I have in my story,these large satelite like lasers in orbit that can cut continents in half etc,and things that can move those continents,the only thing is...I havent thought of why this would happen.....So the question is:

Realisticly,why would the continents or nations of this world want to make their nations/continents seperate like this.....?

And how would this effect the economy,because Having these machines would mean their able to spend even with a bad economy,which is contradicting the story,so yeah?

Help!?XD

Peteman
12-17-2011, 08:15 PM
Well they wouldn't. Why go to all that effort to create massive earthquakes that kills all your people when you can just bomb the heck out of the other country or build a massive wall.

tag654
12-18-2011, 02:05 AM
Exactly,but that's why im trying to find someone who CAN give me a possibility of why this could happen!XD

SuperKasey
12-30-2011, 12:43 PM
Why do you want it to happen in the first place? Its a cool idea in theory but once you get down to the grit of the situation it's hardly practical nor useful and super satellites with lasers that can destroy continents starts sounding like sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads. Don't make stories work for your plot devices, make the plot device work for your story.

tag654
01-01-2012, 02:09 AM
@SuperKasey very true,I guess its just Im trying to figure out how to create a fantasy like world in limitation of a futuristic world,so its not so...um...Real-life...you know...trying to create a world....(basing this off of the satellite theory/suggestion)....that would have unique lands and locations,and I guess its a struggle to do a setting like I want within the limits of the story...IDK...If u get what I mean,then please,any suggestions...advice?

- When I say fantasy world - I mean a world that still fits with the whole "future - 100 year" thing,but that has reasons to incorporate new things that would give the setting originality...


*If there is anyone good with settings and/or making maps,and would like to help me out,please do!

SuperKasey
01-01-2012, 03:52 AM
Ever consider the concept of teraforming? Its a theoretical concept but that gives one room to play. You would have an earth-like setting with the ability to create new species of plants and animals and the bad guys the ability to change the climate/atmosphere.

tag654
01-01-2012, 05:48 PM
I don't exactly understand,can you explain?From what I know about teraforming,it means people change the atmosphere to make a planet habitable or something?
But yeah,the main point is to give the setting more breathe room to expand off a realistic like story so that way its original from those that may resemble this one.....

SuperKasey
01-01-2012, 06:35 PM
Yes that's what terraforming is.

Okay well lets say you terraform a planet so that it can sustain life. Then you've got to develop that life on the planet. Since this is sci-fi lets say they somehow found a way to speed up the natural process of evolution of life. Of course there was help from previously known earth species being introduced to the environment but since the planet is a little different from earth the flora and fauna evolve a little differently giving your your fantastic element. Then lets say the way they did this is through massive machines or satellites placed around the planet that keep the climate and atmosphere in check.

Again you don't need to use this and can dismiss it. Just trying to help with the idea process.

tag654
01-01-2012, 06:49 PM
I like it,and understand a bit...k cool.thanks

Btw- are the links on the first page good?For some reason,people say that I should post the story...which gave me the impression the links dont work...

Other than this,thanks...I really appreciate people that help me get closer to my goal!
Lastly,did you read it(the story)?XD - just wondering :D

Bacon_Barbarian
01-03-2012, 03:56 PM
There are no "antagonists" in a story, there are never multiple antagonists. Naruto or One Piece are not exceptions, both have a ver clear antagonist. In the case of Naruto the antagonist is hidden between pawns or character with other goals, while in One Piece there is a unique antagonist but there are small antagonist per arcs.
Yes there are. An antagonist is, by definition, "a character, group of characters, or institution, that represents the opposition against which the protagonist must contend."

tag654
01-03-2012, 04:55 PM
Hmmm.....So I was right?

Bacon_Barbarian
01-03-2012, 10:31 PM
Basically.

ClockHand
01-03-2012, 10:43 PM
Yes there are. An antagonist is, by definition, "a character, group of characters, or institution, that represents the opposition against which the protagonist must contend."

There is never a group, there is always one unique antagonist. Another guy against the main character is just a secondary character who is ally of the big antagonist or just a minor antagonist, but there is only one big antagonist.

Now, there are a lot of twats that believe there are more antagonists, those are idiots, just dissect the structure of any story and you will find that there is always one antagonist, even if you make a major conflict with many individuals, there is always one that is the real manifestation of the anti-thesis of the main character and the one that is left for the end.

Bacon_Barbarian
01-03-2012, 11:51 PM
There is never a group, there is always one unique antagonist. Another guy against the main character is just a secondary character who is ally of the big antagonist or just a minor antagonist, but there is only one big antagonist.



There are no plural antagonists, there is just one.


Hypocrite much.

Evil_Cake
01-03-2012, 11:52 PM
no

Slurpee
01-06-2012, 08:09 PM
So much reading o_o

Sylux
01-07-2012, 06:40 AM
no

^
.

tag654
01-23-2012, 11:44 AM
@slurpee yea,sorry....

Also,Which do you guys think is easier:
Starting with the story then the art(Which Im doing with my co-writer) or the art then story?

Just for future refrences...

Peteman
01-23-2012, 12:46 PM
Both at the same time I reckon, you don't have to draw charatcers out fully but doing quick sketches with notes will help you visualise people and places better as you wright. A picture paint a thousand words as they say. You could do an an entire script all at once, I've tried this, but I've found it to be quite a labourious process. You could do a storyboard, quick sketches of your panels/pages to get an idea of how they'll be layed out and have the speech written next to each page and use that as a 'script' . Alterentaivly you could type/write it up in movie script fashion and draw doodle next to your typing. Either way I think both at the same time is a good idea.

tag654
01-23-2012, 07:08 PM
oh ok,thanks....I just didnt know....It seems its taking a long time due to the way the process is layed out {written-then art}

lol,Ill try it the other way next time XD

tag654
07-09-2012, 04:00 PM
So, here is my small excerpt... If you wish to read more, let me know. The names "Hex", and ""Plex" are just placeholding names,so they may or may not be the names I will use.


10,000 years ago, there was an ancient civilization (much like real life today), but they were not a technologically advanced. These people had special abilities within us though. To unlock these abilities, the people searched for an answer until Six Very Unusual gems were found, and a break through on unlocking this inner power was upon these people.Though,In the distance, another world was fated for disaster and came here as a last resort. Seeing them as the Aliens, we retaliated to them, even though they wanted peace. And with their technology they wiped the existence of "Humans”, off the earth and became the new species and the gems that were on the verge of being used to their potential, were long forgotten.

[EDITED]

Matt
12-16-2012, 05:04 AM
I know we're not supposed to reply to threads this old, but I imagine you'd want feedback just like any other writer.


You claim to be a writer, at least more so than you are an artist, but your basic grammar and sentence structure need a lot of work. If you're not a native English speaker, this is totally understandable. But before you go on and try to publish a novel, light novel, or manga, you should definitely study hard and learn everything you can about the language you'll be writing in. For example, take a look at my re-write of what you wrote:

Yours

10,000 years ago, there was an ancient civilization (much like real life today), but they were not a technologically advanced. These people had special abilities within us though. To unlock these abilities, the people searched for an answer until Six Very Unusual gems were found, and a break through on unlocking this inner power was upon these people.Though,In the distance, another world was fated for disaster and came here as a last resort. Seeing them as the Aliens, we retaliated to them, even though they wanted peace. And with their technology they wiped the existence of "Humans”, off the earth and became the new species and the gems that were on the verge of being used to their potential, were long forgotten.

Mine

Ten thousand years ago, there was a civilization not quite as techy as us. Instead of guns, they had abilities--but only a few people displayed them. Researchers figured out that everyone had the potential to have such abilities. Unfortunately, no one knew how to unlock these abilities--until the people discovered six unusual gems. With the six gems, they managed to unlock a bit of the powers inside everyone.

Another world was nearing its end at around that time. Desperate, its occupants fled and landed on the world mentioned in the previous paragraph. The civilains perceived the refugees as aliens and opened the hostilities with their newly-unlocked abilities. But they were no match for the "aliens." In a battle to protect themselves, the "aliens" fought hard, pitting their technology against the humans' abilities, and before they knew it, they'd accidentally wiped out the entire human race.

The aliens rebuilt civilization and lived in place of the dead humans. However, as they'd so easily defeated the ability users, they thought nothing of the six crystals. They were forgotten before anyone had even scratched the surface of their potential.

First of all, you should break it into more than one paragraph for clarity. Secondly, some of the wording isn't very clear. I had to read the last bit a few times to realize that the aliens had won, because you'd never actually defined the first group as humans. Thirdly, you're switching between "we" and "they"--between pseudo-first-person and third-person. Pick one and stick with it. Capitalizing random words like Six Very Unusual gems is painful to read when the words shouldn't be capitalized (and they shouldn't). If they had a proper name, such as Chekov's Gems, that would warrant capitalization (though I'd still be wary because fantasy and its subgenres are already notorious for overuse of proper nouns).

Speaking of Chekov's Gems, do you know what Chekov's Gun is? It's an old literature trope: if you put the gun on the mantlepiece in the first act, you have to shoot it eventually (and ideally, it shouldn't miss). So these people take Chekov's Gems, unlock awesome new powers--and proceed to be completely slaughtered? As much as I love seeing that kind of anticlimax in a back story, killing off an entire sentient species is harder than that.

And now to your next post, #44:


Hanako - Only 8 years old, lives with her mom, which is poor due to the town’s smallness. We see the mother start checking everywhere as she’s rummaging through some old stuff and she tears up. We see here pull out a old ad looking paper and shows hanako after wiping tears from her eyes.
Poorness is caused by small towns? Professor Google and I beg to differ. (http://www.globalissues.org/issue/2/causes-of-poverty)


"What does this look like to you hanako”, smiling as she says it
"What does this look like to you, Hanako?" she asks with a smile. That's the correct way to put it. You use a comma within dialogue when a speaker pauses, as most people would where I placed it, and in dialogue, a question ends with a question mark inside the quotation marks. You don't follow that with a verb like "smiling," but a speaker tag, such as "she said," or "she asked."


"Um...A Summer Camp!” she replies fascinated
"A summer camp!" she replies, fascinated. Though "um" is realistic, it's distracting and should usually be removed from literature unless the character is really indecisive. Also, a comma goes between "replies" and "fascinated." Try saying it with the comma in there and not in there. See which one sounds more natural.


"Uh, yes....it’s a summer camp! Would you like to go there?!"
Use three periods to trail off with the intention of continuing later, four to trail off with no intention of continuing. Also, I may be hanging around really honest people and really good liars, but in nearly nineteen years, I have yet to hear a single person deliver a lie this awkward and forced--and I've heard literally thousands of lies. A more natural line would be, "That's right. Would you like to go?" Lastly, the double punctuation (?!) is honestly painful to look at. Don't punctuate your punctuation. The question mark-exclamation point combination is borderline acceptable in comics, and almost never in anything else. Even where it's acceptable, a single question mark or exclamation point is better.


"yes, yes" hanako says
"Yes! Yes!" Hanako says, or "Yes!" Hanako says. "Yes!" Remember your capitalization. Names are always capitalized. Hanako is no exception. Also, I'd change the comma to an exclamation point because the comma makes Hanako sound really unenthusiastic about it.


"Ok then"
"Okay then."


Hanako smiles
Where'd your period go?


.The next day hanako gets ready to leave she is smiling while packing some of her belongings and her Mother waiting by the door, and she says
Oh, there it is. On-topic, this sentence is an inelegant run-on and needs to be chopped up: The next day, Hanako gets ready to leave, already in high spirits. As she packs her belongings, her mom waits by the door. Looking up, the woman says,


"I hope you know what you’re doing, Sky”, while looking up.
Remember, commas go in the quotation marks, and "while looking up" is not a proper dialogue tag. "She says, looking up" is.


Hanako is able to understand that she's going somewhere, like a summer camp or something but it's actually her mother giving her up for money, It’s just her mom though, Hanako was told her father is dead from a "car crash”. So she walks out the door and skips
Hanako thinks she's going to a summer camp, but her mom is selling her. Oblivious, she skips out the door.
The rest of the exposition feels completely unnatural in this paragraph. What in the world does Hanako's dad have to do with her mom giving her up for money. "It's just her mom, though" doesn't make any sense. It implies that her dad would never dream of selling her, but her dad isn't even present. Then you skip back to Hanako, and this is clunky at best.


"Saying Summer Camp, Summer Camp"
She sings, "Summer camp, summer camp!"


And her mother pulling something out of her pocket and tells hanako...
But isn't she already skipping away? Anyway, Her mother pulls something from her pocket and calls out to Hanako.


"Wait Hanako, here...I forgot to give this to you"
"Hanako! Wait! Take this." In general, keep your dialogue short and pointed unless you've got a long-winded character or something that needs explaining.


"Always keep this in, ok...?"
"Promise me you'll keep this." This should go up with the rest of Mom's dialogue. You start a new paragraph for a new speaker, not a new sentence for the same speaker.


"Ok Mom"
"Okay, Mom."


"You pinky swear?"
This works.


*Hanako looks at her mother and puts on the necklace, and says...I pinky promise."
I'm going to assume that asterisk was a mistake. Even so, you need to keep dialogue in quotation marks and narration out.
Hanako smiles at her mother and puts on the necklace. "Pinky promise," she says.
You should previously establish that this thing is a necklace.


After her mother couldn't see her, she gets handed the money...and she tells them..
You need to describe where these money guys come from and where Hanako is running off to. It may be clear what's happening in your head, and yes, I can fill in the blanks, but I don't want to fill in this many blanks--blanks that writers are obligated to fill, such as where story-essential things, such as the money guys or Hanako's destination, are located.
After Hanako rounds a corner and disappears from sight, two men cross the street from where they'd been watching by a streetlight and hand Hanako's mother a large stack of bills. She sighs.


"just keep her safe, got that”, in a serious tone....
"Keep her safe."
"In a serious tone" is clunky and unnecessary.


"Guard smirks and says...well keep her nice and safe"
Oh, so it's just one guard. Woulda been nice to know that before. Or is not? All I know now is that there is a guard present. There could be more, but I don't know, because I don't have enough information to fill in that blank.
The guard smirks. "Nice and safe, Ma'am."

-

I have an assignment for you, Tag. I don't know if you even live in a place where people speak English, since your "About Me" page says absolutely nothing, but here goes: go out with a notebook or your laptop or tablet and listen to conversations. Write down what you can, word for word. Add your own notes, such as "this guy is trying to sell this girl something" or "This girl wants this guy's attention and he's just not giving it to her." Mainly, you want to get a feel for the natural way people speak, as that's definitely a problem I noticed. You're not horrible. "Horrible" refers almost exclusively to the My Immortal Harry Potter fanfiction which I'll save you brain cells by not linking to. You need to improve, though, and the only ways to do that are to study, research, and write.

I can't say much about the storyline itself, since you've disclosed next to nothing. Readers don't care about how this woman is so poor that she has to sell her daughter. They care what happens to the daughter after she's been sold and how the mother copes with the loss. The back of a book like this would give a summary of what challenges each person faces, not an introductory scene that is, quite honestly, boring. Without giving me a reason to care about either Hanako or her mom, you're essentially expecting me to feel invested enough in them to want to continue reading to find out what happens. But I don't care, because you haven't given me a reason to. This could be the start to nearly any story where the heroine was raised in poverty. Absolutely nothing makes it unique. You do have the back story written, but so far I see nothing linking the two--nor any reason to care about the back story, either.

If you really want to engage me in a story, you have to give me more than a concept and some messy dialogue. I've seen all sorts of cool concepts in my time, but it's not the concepts that draw me into a story. No, concepts draw me into a game. Characters draw me into a story. You can have as many epic gun fights and sword fights and slave sales as you want, but at the end of the day, that all gets old and it's all been done before in some way or another. There's only one thing that will never get old: exploring the human condition; seeking answers, or at least explanations, to questions we've all asked at one point or another; seeking validation for our words and actions; seeking people like us, facing problems like we're facing; seeking extraordinary people facing the problems we face; seeking the different forms of love.

-

In short, give us a story and a reason to care. Not a concept.

Whew. It's 5:00 AM, I've been up all night, and my fingers just don't want to hit the right keys anymore. Please don't take any of that feedback personally. It's all meant to help you grow and improve and eventually succeed in epic proportions. All writers have to go through criticism, and those who accept it and learn from it become that much better for it.

tag654
12-21-2012, 05:17 PM
HAHA,OMG Matt Your Amazing. :P

And yeah...Ill definitely get better with that.Ive only started writing/scripting for about a month,I haven't really practiced or studied it,to really know how things are,for instance,when you said the thing about the difference between "..." and "....", No Clue. But yeah,I'm definitely trying,The only reference I'm using is a SwordArt Online Pdf,Since I envy the series itself. Though the problem with SwordArt Online,is that it speaks as the characters instead of how im trying to do it,which is...I'm guessing more of a 3rd person,to 1srt person,idk my terms...Ill show you an example

He was walking in the woods when a spider touched him.

"What the Hell",He screamed.

Jenny looked at him saying,

"Suck it up punk",she said,smirking to herself.

Idk,maybe you can tell me what I'm going for as far as view point.

But yeah,I was wondering if you weren't busy,if you could mentor me and help me out.I really want to improve,and I know this might sound a bit far fetched,but...

I wanna get published by May,giving me about 5-6 months to pull this off.Making this story into something,is my dream,one that I can see come true.And I think,If you were to help me,I can make that dream come true,and you wouldnt regret it.

Also,I much appreciate your taking the time to do that(Your above post)...And sorry for me being late,Just been busy,school and stuff.

Anyways,This is what I have so far,as far as a Prolouge...Though this was before I looked at your post,so yeah,excuse the errors and such,but this is to story the story development into the actual story,

== Prologue ==

10,000 years ago, there was an ancient civilization, much like real life today, but they were not a technologically advanced. These people had special abilities within us though. To unlock these abilities, the people searched for an answer until Six Very Unique Rocks were found, and a breakthrough on unlocking this inner power was upon these people.Though,In the distance, another world was fated for disaster and came here as a last resort. Seeing them as the Aliens, we retaliated to them, even though they wanted peace. And with their technology they wiped the existence of "Humans”, off the earth and became the new species and the gems that were on the verge of being used to their potential, were long forgotten.

[EDITED]

Matt
12-22-2012, 08:58 PM
I'd be wary of using a fan-translated PDF as a reference. Do you have an original English book you could use? I'd trust something a lot more if it went through a professional publisher rather than fans who are generally not even out of high school or college (and if they are out of college, they're probably real editors, and probably don't have time to edit fan-translated light novels).

Everything said above applies to me as well, by the way. I'm not an editor. I'm a college student who happens to like English.

-

You asked about tense and point of view, so here's a quick overview:

First-person, past-tense:

I watched in silence as the cat rolled absently down the stairs.

First-person, present-tense:

I watch in silence as the cat rolls absently down the stairs.

Second-person, past-tense:

You woke up Saturday morning and noticed your bed was on the moon.

Second-person, present-tense:

You wake up Saturday morning and notice your bed is on the moon.

Third-person, past-tense:

She jumped from the log and off the train. She hit the ground hard, heard a snap, rolled, and hit a tree.

Third-person, present-tense:

She jumps from the log and off the train. She hits the ground hard, hears a snap, rolls, and hits a tree.

I can help you, but I can't sign on as a full-time editor or anything because I am employed. First of all, you should really study English and get better at it. Read a lot of English books--both in your preferred genre and not--and practice a whole ton. It's never enough. I've clocked in six years so far and I'm not published yet.

I'll get back to you on the new content in a bit.

tag654
12-23-2012, 12:12 AM
Yea I know,I just need a mentor,just help me with some of the basics,not so much an editor :P

And yea,thanks for clearing that up,I guess my writing style is clearly 3rd person... though what does "psuedo" mean when you said like psuedo third person? :O

Also,what do you mean by fan-translated? Shouldnt it still be formatted the same? It looks well written so Idk...

Matt
12-23-2012, 03:46 AM
"Pseudo" means "not genuine," and can be attached to plenty of words. For example, pseudo-code is stuff that looks like code, but isn't really (and that won't run if you plug it into a compiler). I was actually wrong to say pseudo first-person back there. You used "we" in the narration, and that's first-person, implying it's you along with someone else you're referring to.

Fan-translated stuff is simply translated by fans, usually not for profit--and no, the format isn't quite the same. I had a look at the Sword Art Online light novel (first one that came up on Google after typing "Sword Art Online PDF"). While I can't comment on the quality of the story, having only read the first page, I can comment on the translator's English skills. Let's have a look:



A huge castle made of stone and steel floating in an endless sky.
This is good. Description is often used to start a story, but one of the downsides of using description is that you risk losing readers if your description isn't interesting. This is why a lot of the younger generation, myself included, has shied away from the "classics." This opening line describes an important set piece and grabs my interest. A castle floating in the sky? Been done to death and back, but at least it's something.


That was all this world was.
Now that hasn't been done much. A world consisting of one giant castle? This line is written a little awkwardly, but is hardly worth beating on.


It took a vagary group of craftsmen one month to survey the
place, the diameter of the base floor was about 10 kilometersólarge
enough to fit the entirety of Setagaya-ku within. Above there were
100 floors stacking straight upwards; its sheer size was unbelievable.
It was impossible to even guess how much data it consisted of.
The first sentence is a run-on, and could be fixed by replacing the first comma with a period. Also, "vagary" is improperly used as an adjective. It's actually a noun. It means "a sudden or inexplicable change." The proper adjective is vagarious. Moving on from that, I do like that the author doesn't throw big names around. There's Setagaya-ku, and because the rest of the paragraph is description, we don't have to juggle that with other proper nouns (like in so many other fantasies). We don't know much about it. All we know is that Setagaya-ku is big, but not as big as the castle in the sky.


Inside there were a couple of large cities along with countless
small scale towns and villages, forests and plains, and even lakes.
Only one stairway linked each floor to another, and they existed in
dungeons where large numbers of monsters roamed; so discovering
and getting through was no easy matter. However, once someone
made a breakthrough and arrived at a city of the upper floor, the
Teleport Gates there and of every cities in the lower floors would
be connected making it possible for anyone to move freely through
these levels.
(MT doesn't allow for certain elements of the original format to be used here. There were previously brackets like these >< surrounding "Teleport Gates")

Technically, "small scale" should be hyphenated, but no one really cares about hyphens these days. That aside, this is a good bit of description. Ten kilometers is big, but "able to fit the entirety of Setagaya-ku" doesn't really do it justice (since we don't know what Setagaya-ku even is). This paragraph clears that up: it's enough to fit a couple large cities, small towns, villages, forests, plains, and lakes. It's about the size of a typical mid-sized game world (by today's standards). Also, I knew what Sword Art Online was about before I read this, but if I didn't know, I'd be figuring it out about now. One stairway leading to and from each level? Dungeons and monsters?

"Only one stairway linked each floor to another, and they existed in dungeons where large numbers of monsters roamed; so discovering and getting through was no easy matter."

This is wrong. For one thing, it's a run-on. With two semicolons already on the first page, I'm getting the feeling the translator just likes the way they look and doesn't quite get how they work. A semicolon separates two similar clauses that could each stand alone as two individual sentences. "So discovering and getting through was no easy matter" doesn't make sense. "Locating them and subsequently reaching them alive was no easy matter" does.

Next, what are these things (><) doing in prose? Those are there for programming and ASCII art. Not writing. I understand they're sometimes used to show that a word or phrase was translated, but they completely break a story's flow since they're so rarely seen outside C++ compilers (and occasionally comics/manga). Would this story be any worse if the sentence went like this:

"However, once someone made a breakthrough and arrived at a city of the upper floor, the Teleport Gates there and of every cities in the lower floors would be connected making it possible for anyone to move freely through these levels."

It's still a clunky run-on sentence and should be chopped down:

"However, once someone broke through and reached a city on the next floor, anyone could go there instantly via Teleport Gates."


With these conditions, the huge castle had been steadily
conquered for two years. The current front line is the 74th floor.
The name of the castle was Aincrad, a world of battles with
swords that continued floating and had engulfed approximately 6
thousand people. Otherwise known as...
(Again, Aincrad had >< around it.)

This paragraph is painful to read. Even if all the spelling is correct, bad grammar and a lack of clarity will kill everything--and those are things Microsoft Word will rarely, if ever, catch. I also think the translation may be a problem here. There's no clear subject defined, and in English, that makes for weak, boring prose. It's probably fine in Japanese, but don't quote me on that. I know maybe ten words total in that language and nothing about the grammar.

Regardless, here's how I'd write it:


Presently, six thousand players sharpen their swords at the seventy-fourth floor of the grand castle Aincrad.
I present all the information from the paragraph in a single sentence, perhaps sacrificing the lead-in to the next page. That, however, feels like a carry-over from comic books and manga. I won't condemn its use in novels or light novels, but I will discourage it.


In short, the translation for Sword Art Online--at least the first page--is not good. I've actually been wanting to read it for awhile, but reading this, I remember why I was so wary of light novels in the first place. I don't know how good the story and characters are--presumably pretty darn good, based on the reviews--but the translation is bad.

If you have access to Amazon wherever you live, go on there and read the preview pages of whatever books you can find. If you have actual books in English, that's even better.

Celestial-Fox
12-23-2012, 05:39 AM
*** the use of "we" isn't first-person, unless the narrator is a character in the actual plot. Otherwise, the use of "you"/"we" is traditionally second-person (a rarely used narration style) because it breaches the fourth wall and refers to the reader.

Although, in Matt's critique, he was correct (at least by what I have perceived in the excerpt) by saying it was first-person. I just thought I'd throw in that comment as a heads-up in the future.

Also, gahahaha, Matt warned you about "My Immortal." So perfect. It really is awful. But it boosts your self-esteem in writing.

Aaand lastly, you can't expect someone to edit/mentor for free. A good editor is a mentor. And that is a paid job. I am employed as an editor for a newspaper, and it's hard work. I spend at least 40 minutes doing the first round of edits on a 500-word article, and I send it back to the author for revisions. Then I look at it or or two more times, and by then, the work has lost anywhere between 90 and 70&#37; of its original length.

Being an editor is time-consuming, and unless you're willing to pay, it's very difficult to find someone willing to tear up your work for free. Consider finding a writing group or a buddy so you can mutually critique each other's works. Matt and I have been doing it for the last couple years, perhaps, but even still, our contact with each other is spotty at times, because life is busy. Even though we are friends, it just takes a bunch of work to do that kind of stuff, and real life has to take priority at times—especially when pay isn't involved.

tag654
12-23-2012, 11:54 AM
Celes,I don't get how it'd be the same. I want to be my own editor/writer...but I,as Matt has shown,am very ameateur from what I though was "good". I'm not asking for someone to edit my work,I am asking for someone to pass down their wisdom,and help me,become more like you guys,so I can finish my Light Novel "correctly",before going any further.

Btw - For a paid job,how much would it be,for future refrence...


But yeah,I just need some teaching in proper scripting,grammar,and such.

Thanks Matt,for clarity of the Light Novel stuff...I read it anyway,lol,I wouldn't have noticed any of that. Though,how much of a step up is that PDF's author up from me,just so I know where I am? I'm guessing like a 2{me} vs.a 6{them} ?

Matt
12-23-2012, 03:08 PM
First of all, you should make a habit of typing in proper English, because you learn better by applying knowledge rather than reading about it. I can tell you all I know, but that'll make no difference if you don't practice.

A few pointers:

1. Put a space after a comma, but not before. Like that.
2. When you trail off... put a space after the ellipses.
3. Amateur is spelled amateur.
4. Periods, commas, exclamation points, and question marks generally go inside the quotation marks if you have them. "Like this," "this!" or "this?" There's more to it than that, but that's probably good for now.
5. Proper nouns are capitalized. Nouns are not. Therefore, "Matt" is capitalized while "light novel" is not.
6. I'm probably going to say this every single time, but read legitimate English-language books. Light novels are fine too, though I'd highly recommend reading officially translated ones rather than fan-translated ones. You can read Sword Art Online, but do realize that it's highly flawed.

Giving out numerical ratings for skill really isn't my thing. As far as I'm concerned, there are infinite levels you can achieve, so rating you 1-10 would be detrimental if everything.

tag654
12-23-2012, 03:33 PM
Ok Matt. :) Ill try and practice these things....I might also,go look at some books that ive read,like the Harry Potter and analyze that,though if I remember correctly,that wasnt written in 3rd person.

Hmmmm,If you know of any Series-Fantasy-Fiction Books that are third person,feel free to let me know...trying to find something in the style that im writing.

Also,I mainly wanted to ask...How do you elaborate and re-write something,like youive done above so many times.I want to go back and try and re-write things correctly,though I saw that you took something,for example, the beggining of my prolouge,and totally redid it and added abit more.I wish to do that,though I dont understand how to go about with detailing and such.Examples would be appreciated.I also apreciated you helping me,if I remember,your like the first one to comment when I made this thread,so yea,thanks.So,I will proceed in edits and such after you reply.

:)

Celestial-Fox
12-23-2012, 04:34 PM
I am paid very little for my work. My pay right now amounts to be under the national poverty line. I work unpaid overtime. I am in the office until 4 am on school nights. The turnover rate for student workers at the newspaper is high, because it is a very intense job with little monetary reward.

That being said, though, I can already see that you have a fundamental misunderstanding of what an editor actually does. Editing one standard-length (not light) novel can take about a year. I will tell you right now that it doesn't take a year's worth of hours to fix commas and grammar.

Rather, an editor is spending that time making plot suggestions, revising entire acts of the story, simplifying language where dense, and many other things. Some editors tell writers to rewrite the book entirely. Seriously.

If that isn't a mentor, then I don't know what is. Punctuation and grammar come last. An editor who sees potential in someone, no matter if the person has formal training, is the ultimate teacher.

It is hard work for both parties involved. To expect someone to do a line-critique (like Matt has done for you) every time you post—for free—is a really hefty expectation, because it takes a long time to do it. I used to type out that kind of stuff for him, but I've been so busy lately that I can't.

Now that doesn't mean that no one will help you out. But sometimes you have to understand that an editor/mentor job is very time-consuming and hard to prioritize when there is no gain from it. So sometimes you'll only get two paragraphs of seemingly rough critique, and other times you'll get a nice line-by-line.

You can raise your chances of finding an editor buddy by showing determination, by taking action and changing your writing right away. Editors like to see that. If you follow Matt's basic instructions in his last post, that would already be a start.

Then, make sure your story is quality. It's hard to read a book that is boring, and it's absolute torture to edit one. You have to keep in interesting. People don't want to draw comics from a boring script; editors don't want to guide a story with a weak premise.

Think about what skill set you have to offer us—not the other way around.

tag654
12-23-2012, 04:44 PM
Ok thanks celes. , Maybe I should watch bakuman again,lol,,,Now I understand...Yeah,editors guide and mentor,your right. :P

I will try hard to improve and have you guys want to work with me. :P

Though you never truly answered my question,like,what is the actual pay...? Maybe when I get a job,sometime this next month, I will think about trying to work something out with one of you and actually have an editor,though I want to try and make my story decent so its not to much a hassle when it comes to the editors part. And you said something about your pay being below that of poverty level,i find that a bit cruel.Ill make sure to pay the editor I have,fair wage,nothing below minimum wage. :)

I wont let you guys down,waiting for Matt's words of wisdom on expanding and re-writing areas of a story,before I start re-dediting and reviewing what I have.

Matt
12-23-2012, 05:18 PM
If you're okay with some fairly brutal content, I'd highly recommend A Song of Ice and Fire by George R.R. Martin. It's set about seven hundred years before the time period you're writing in, but it's so darn good and it's one of my greatest influences. It's definitely not in your style, but I recommend it anyway. (For that matter, it's not really in my style either. My stories are comparatively soft.)

Otherwise, Harry Potter, Discworld, Mistborn, and pretty much anything in the YA fantasy genre is good. For your specific genre, urban fantasy, maybe Maximum Ride? That edges into sci-fi a bit. Maybe Harry Potter. I'm not quite sure. I don't read a lot of urban fantasy, though I definitely should.

Rewriting isn't too hard. You take something that's already been written and you write it how you think it should be. Summarize it in your head, identify what the existing passage is trying to say, then rewrite it so it says that as simply as possible. For example:


Four score years past, seven great heroes triumphed over a great, seemingly unbeatable evil after a long, bloody battle.

would become:


Eighty years ago, seven heroes defeated a great evil.

Writers rewrite their own stuff a heck of a lot. I'd rather not plug my own stuff, but it's the best example I can think of--over in my writing thread, I have three versions of a story called Siren Song, and they get better with each rewrite as I identify what I want the story to be about and who the characters really are. In the first draft, my heroines are poorly fleshed-out because at that point, I'm still trying to figure their personalities out. This gets even worse in the second draft while the setting gets better--I focused on setting up the main city and the level of technology, but neglect character believability. In the third draft, I've got both the setting and characters figured out. I actually say less about them in the third draft, but that's because I realized that I was dumping too much information at once in the previous drafts.

Writers have to read nearly as much as they write. So read everything you can.

-

EDIT: I don't mean to keep ignoring you, Seefy. For the past few days, I've had this thread open after my posts, but never refreshed the page. If it seems like I'm not paying any attention to your posts, it's not intentional. Tag, you should listen to everything Seefy says. She's been a mentor of sorts for me over the past couple years, so I can vouch for the quality of her words.

tag654
12-23-2012, 05:46 PM
Thanks for the reccomendations,and yeah I respect both of you.


*EDIT*

Matt,
I re-wrote,and incorperated what you said/edited above...Just trying to figure out whats good and not.




Ten thousand years ago, there was a civilization not quite as technologically advanced as we are, they were named, “The Mythics.” They had abilities--but only a few people displayed them. Researchers figured out that everyone had the potential to have such abilities. Unfortunately, no one knew how to unlock these abilities--until these people discovered six unusual gems, deep within the Earth. With these six gems, they were able to use these powers, and do things by which; no ordinary human should.
On the other hand, another world was nearing its end,at around that same time. Desperate, its occupants fled and landed on the world mentioned. The Mythics perceived the refugees as aliens and opened the hostilities with their newly unlocked abilities. However, they were no match for the "aliens." In a battle to protect themselves, the "aliens" fought hard, pitting their technology against The Mystics’ abilities. The Mystics’ powers were phenomenal, but no match, due to their lack of understandment of their newfound abilities. The Mystics were exterminated not too long after the clash of the two beings,in a war that lasted roughly one-hundred years.


Also,what the heck is a "passive voice" ?

Word keeps saying that:


they were named...


The Mystics were exterminated...

are a passive voices,and that I should fix it.



Btw,I have a question about the time jumps...In my prolouge,I suggested an event happened with the war 10,000 years ago,and the arrival of another species,etc.

But to show the transition,how should I show the date.Saying something like present day,wouldnt really show much if Im trying to go twenty years before the present. If this makes any sense,please care to help me.Thanks.

Celestial-Fox
12-24-2012, 07:09 PM
https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-fsxKYT2e-Bs/UIWdEI9iJnI/AAAAAAAARvA/ebE8MAlwRjQ/w497-h373/zombies.png

Passive voice:
She became angered by the situation.

Active:
The situation angered her.

As a rule, active voice is more engaging than passive. In journalism, writing must be 100&#37; in active. In fiction, passive voice is allowed sometimes for artistic styling. Just try to avoid it as much as you can.

tag654
12-24-2012, 09:06 PM
Ok Thanks Celes.

Are their certain phrases I should stay away for them,like...

Became _____ , were _____

And in what text are the above words in,as in adjetive,etc. Again thanks the reply Celes. :) Waiting for Matt,or yourself to help me with the other twoi matters and I should be good for awhile. :)

Happy Holidays,Merry Christmas :)

Celestial-Fox
12-25-2012, 04:09 AM
Active sentence structure is {subject} {verb} {object}.
Sally walked the dog.

Passive structure is {object} {verb} {subject}.
The dog was walked by Sally.


The Mystics*** were exterminated not too long after the clash of the two beings,in a war that lasted roughly one-hundred years.
*** "Mythics"?
This complex sentence could be simply punctuated differently to be active. However, changing the wording makes it easier to read. The active rewording for this passage is as follows:
The two beings clashed in a century-long war, which exterminated the Mystics shortly thereafter.

The "they were named" sentence is actually in active voice. However, it's improperly punctuated with a comma splice, which is making Word believe there is a problem. Change the comma before "they" to a period, and the issue is fixed.

tag654
12-25-2012, 08:19 PM
Ok,I now fully understand passive and active voices,Thanks for going into more detail :P

And Crap,Im still no where near as good as you guys are when it comes to formatting a sentence right... ~Sigh lol,Thanks though.

And I did what you said with Word,and yeah,you're right.Changing the comma fixed it.


And lastly is the Time/setting situation with the story,and from there Ill think ill be good toe edit alone and then I might come back when I feel its good enough to be seen by an editor or so,idk.

*UPDATE* 1/9/2013 ~ Been waiting to see if someone can help with the bolded area above,but to no avail have my question been answered,sadly.

Hopefully someone will :)

Also,about boarding schools,how do they work?

Would it be right to have a man be part of an organization that covers as a place where kids of "poverty" can stay like an orphanage but also go to school?

Like would this idea be reasonable,why or why not? Thanks :)

tag654
01-11-2013, 10:44 PM
My bad for double posting(updating the thread),want to write some more of my novel, (^.^ )/

But Im a very big procrastinator,and when I cant solve something,I ask for help....and when no help is given and I cant solve the problem,I put it off until the above happens,which is probably a bad habit,but hopefully you(viewers) get my delima.If someone can please work with me on solutions to the 2 above problems,Ill be good to write again lol.

Celestial-Fox
01-13-2013, 06:44 AM
If you let the small things stop you in the beginning, you'll surely never finish. No draft is perfect, and yours is no exception. I suggest you write on your own for a bit to answer your own questions.

tag654
01-13-2013, 07:25 PM
@Celes Your right.So,I did exactly that...after I posted I went and finished my "Chapter". Though I have no clue when to put a chapter exactly...but to me,I'm sure I placed it right.I went through and changed alot of things,the "time" situation will be worked out later,though I still cant think of anything,though I might soon.

So,without further a due,this below is my draft,unfinished,maybe very horrible,first chapter along with its prologue,enjoy!

[EDITED] :)

Ceta
01-19-2013, 08:49 AM
The writing style that you have used for conveying scenes and actions probably works in scripts, but doesn't work in novels. For instance,


We now see him thank the doctor, and as the doctor walks away, we see the man open the door in front of him titled “Room 117” .

is very awkward to read. It's like you're speaking to the audience as if you're a director trying to convey the scene to a cameraman or someone working on a storyboard for a movie. I highly suggest picking up a novel and reading through it to see how professional writers convey their thoughts and scenes. While you probably don't need to read it all the way through, you should at least read enough to understand why their method of writing works and why your method/style currently doesn't.

If you have the time, though, I highly recommend checking out different writers, not just one, to see how they handle the situations they bring about in their works. Mixing styles generally tends to make things more interesting (depends on the styles and your ability to adapt to using them), not to mention allows you to gain more inspiration for your work. I wish I could recommend some authors to check out, but I haven't read any books in English in a long time. However, I'm sure that if you ask around there are many members here that will gladly assist you.


On another note, I wanted to mention that you should really consider dropping the prologue. It contains so much information that I think would be better to distribute at various points of the story. To me, dropping all that information in the beginning seems unnecessary and makes for a pretty lousy hook. A good storyteller can convey the settings and the histories within the story itself without having to force the information like that. If you're going to write in a prologue, write in a scenario/situation that would hook the reader. For instance, something that would foreshadow the things to come without really giving anything away or spoiling the reading experience. Of course, in my opinion, having a prologue is optional and not really necessary unless you're absolutely positive that it will contain something that will hook the reader in. In this case, from what I can see, you don't need it.

tag654
01-20-2013, 04:26 PM
@Ceta Thanks for commenting,It seems not many people wish to help me out with this,and help me correct my mistakes,so I thank you.

Yes,I know about the switch of writing style there,I was a bit "iffy" on what to say on that part,but I let it go so someone could tell me why it would be wrong as you have. :)

Yes,I know I have to read more books,Its just Im not as big as I was awhile ago.When I was like 10-13 books were the best,I used to read the harry potter series and other fantasy~series books,along those ages,as that was the only genre I liked.Though,for some reason Im not as good as analyzing text as I am reading it for the story.This may because im just a new this new world of literature ive entered,but hopefully I can get better.Though looking at literature might be the hardest part now,because as ive said,I used to be an avid reader back then,but now im 17 and I dont read and such like that anymore.

Though I think Matt or Celest. suggested some titles in a previous post,in which ill find later.

Also,about my prologue,your probably right...I think the second half of the prologue is necessary,Not so much the first,though i have yet to think of where I could put that information. Ahhhhhhhh....This is why I need some professional help or a mentor.Im the kind of person who needs like a coach or something to push myself. Actually I think I should just find myself a willing editor,though I dont think I know of any besides Celes.

:<

Anyways thanks Ceta....I think I might just having to revise "Chapter 1" over and over until its literate enough to pass professionally lol.

By the way,Did I do my quotes right?I tried using your advise @Matt / @Celes :L


*** OH,and if I decide to go the manga route,this here would be good enough,no? I wouldnt have to be as detailed as with this novel format right? Hence easier,no? ***

Ceta
01-21-2013, 08:39 AM
@Ceta Thanks for commenting,It seems not many people wish to help me out with this,and help me correct my mistakes,so I thank you.
I think the biggest problem that people face when helping others with their writing is that they often feel the need to correct the writing style of the person rather than provide proof-reading/basic tips. Giving help is one thing, but you can only go so far before you start influencing the style of the writer. It's difficult to know where to draw the line when helping someone so I think that's one of the reasons why you're not getting help. Another would be that some members feel you as part of the competition and would rather let you fail than help you succeed. Personally, I don't mind helping but I feel I can only go so far before it's up to you to figure things out on your own.


Yes,I know about the switch of writing style there,I was a bit "iffy" on what to say on that part,but I let it go so someone could tell me why it would be wrong as you have. :)
I think this is one of those things where you probably could have just figured it out on your own rather than hope that someone would point it out to you. This is just my thinking, however.


Yes,I know I have to read more books,Its just Im not as big as I was awhile ago.When I was like 10-13 books were the best,I used to read the harry potter series and other fantasy~series books,along those ages,as that was the only genre I liked.Though,for some reason Im not as good as analyzing text as I am reading it for the story.This may because im just a new this new world of literature ive entered,but hopefully I can get better.Though looking at literature might be the hardest part now,because as ive said,I used to be an avid reader back then,but now im 17 and I dont read and such like that anymore.
No matter how old you get, reading will always be important. Even more so if you wish to become a writer. As with beginner artists who trace/copy the works of their favorite professional artists before branching out with their own style, you, too, need to start getting into the works of writers who write in the same genre as you wish to get into or other genres which you think would be close to what you want to include in your own work. Because you've been reading just as a casual reader all this time, you'll need to train your mind to see more than just the words on the paper. You'll need to read much deeper, to figure out why something worked (or why it didn't) and build from there. It'll take time and may delay you a bit -- depending on whether you're good at scheduling or not -- but you'll eventually get it.

If you feel you need a little bit more structured guidance, however, visit your local library or bookstore. I'm sure you'll find plenty of interesting resources that will aide you in writing.


Also,about my prologue,your probably right...I think the second half of the prologue is necessary,Not so much the first,though i have yet to think of where I could put that information.
I'm sure you'll find a way; it'll just take some time and thought.


This is why I need some professional help or a mentor.Im the kind of person who needs like a coach or something to push myself. Actually I think I should just find myself a willing editor,though I dont think I know of any besides Celes.
While I agree with having someone proof-reading/editing your work, I don't know if it's really necessary to go to the extent of getting a coach or something of that nature. Seems like a bit of overkill to me, not to mention it gets back to what I was mentioning earlier about the influencing of one's style. Of course, I'm not trying to stop you or anything like that so, if you truly think you need one, go for it.


Anyways thanks Ceta....I think I might just having to revise "Chapter 1" over and over until its literate enough to pass professionally lol.
No problem. It'll take quite a bit of time, effort and practice before you start finding your "voice" but just keep at it until you do. Rather than rewriting the same thing over and over, though, you should take a small time out and write some short stories -- nothing lengthy, mind you, just a couple pages or so in length -- to help you practice. If you rewrite the same thing over and over, you'll get bored or, at the worst, feel like you'll never get it right and quite possibly end up dropping the project.



*** OH,and if I decide to go the manga route,this here would be good enough,no? I wouldnt have to be as detailed as with this novel format right? Hence easier,no? ***
In a way, yes; for the most part, however, no it's not. You'll need to reformat what you've written a lot in order to make it comic-ready.

tag654
04-03-2013, 08:26 PM
****UPDATE****

This is an update just to see if anyone wants to critique some works of mine.

So,I found an editor about 4 weeks ago,and he agreed to teach me and help me out.He has been giving me these assignments of diffrent genres and such.

For example the first one was,

http://kingfromhatena.deviantart.com/art/Unconcious-363378783?ga_submit_new=10%253A1365035037 (http://kingfromhatena.deviantart.com/art/Unconcious-363378783?ga_submit_new=10&#37;253A1365035037)

The topic was a 2-paged story to start branching out from my original story...

to get me to test my limits with different genre's...

Ill post more if someone comments :)

tag654
08-13-2013, 03:17 AM
- Bringing this thread back -As I have finished my first 5 pages,though I have about 10 as of now....

For those who are really literate.Please let me know any mistakes or anything that I can do to make this better,and anything I can refrence from.My goal is for a Light Novel.

Im using this guide as a reference as for the length of chapters and such : http://www.wikihow.com/Write-a-Light-Novel

Thanks.

First Chapter (beta) -

http://kingfromhatena.deviantart.com/art/Hanako-First-Five-Pages-390386616?q=gallery%3AKingFromHatena&qo=0 (http://kingfromhatena.deviantart.com/art/Hanako-First-Five-Pages-390386616?q=gallery&#37;3AKingFromHatena&qo=0)

AlmanacnamedTime
08-13-2013, 11:45 AM
You are doing well. I am curious though what made you pick that name?

tag654
08-13-2013, 12:02 PM
Hanako = Flower. You must support a flower for it to blossom. If you choose not to care for it,then it will surely die. It was just a name at first,but then i started to think about how it might integrate into the story and came up with something along those lines.

Kinda like Bleach,how it kinda sounds like a name,but has a different meaning to the writer.

AlmanacnamedTime
08-13-2013, 03:40 PM
Makes sense.

Also quick thing; Hanako means little flower.

tag654
08-13-2013, 06:49 PM
That makes the meaning even deeper :P


[EDITED] [UPDATED]

So,I see that there are still many people looking at this thread and will continue too.I come here very seldomly now,but if I ever have questions or if people start to ask questions and critique my somewhat finished chapte,then we can surely keep this thread going :P

If you wish to read my hard and heart felt first chapter,you may find it here:


http://kingfromhatena.deviantart.com/art/Hanako-First-Five-Pages-390386616?q=gallery&#37;3AKingFromHatena&qo=0


Again I thank all who have helped me and supported me with getting me at least this far. I have much more to go,whether I finish in a year,or 10 years,it will be a story the world will not forget,and I hope that everyone who reads it thinks forward to the idea too,thanks. :)

-Tag