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10-26-2011, 07:13 AM
Hi people im currently working on a manag story i have no name as of yet but i got my story please tell me what you think thanx people really appreciate it.

This story is a prolougue to the main story there is going to be two of them. Im basing my story on the four horseman of the apocolypse. Here is the plotof the story;
This story revolves around two of the four Horsemen of the apocolyspe Death and Famine. The person who has the power of eternal death is named Adam Grimm AKA Beast and the person who has the power of famine and destruction is Adelita Famine.They both work for a group of Mercenaries known as The Renowned Kings.

This story gives the history of Adam Grimm on how he became known as the Beast and how he recieved the powers of Death.It also tells the tales as of how him and Adelita both met and reason why they joined the Renowned Kings.

Characters of the story;
Adam Grimm one of the two main characters of the story he has the power of death he is around 150 years of age. He has tatoos on his left hand and right. On his left hand he has the markings engraved 666and on his right he has the markings engraved beast. Personality calm and Collected even when fighting he is high ranking with in the mercenary group and is well resepcted even my the Vetrens of the group.

Adelita Faminethe second main charcater of the story she has the power of famine she is around 148 years old. A women with spanish/italian blood very beautiful and intelligent,curvy body and lustful. Personality cheerful and Optimistic and very flirty. Her eyes change colour with the emotions she feels. ALso very high ranking within TRK. Adam and her get along very well also well respected by the Mercenaries.

Amon he is the main villian of the story has a a deep hate for all humans. Personality wise he a trickster amoung the demons likes to cause mischief and mayhem left the demon word 200 years ago because he got bored. He is very powerful and commands a big army in hell. No one knows he age not even Bael the King of demons

Alex Warhunger is the King of The Renowned Kings he is very powerful for a human his skills are belived to be Godlike known as Black Thunder can easily go against that of Adam and Adelita. He is around 45 years of age left his family to form The Renowned Kings. He trust Adam and Adelita highly, he is highly known accross the lands and is scared of no man or demon.

The story takes part in a place called Arcania a large Kingdom that is beautiful and very mysterious .

Well people please tell me what you think of the plot and that ill be posting some of the script from time to time i hope you enjoy it. The second prolougue for the story will be posted on my blog site ill give that once im done with the a few pages on here.

11-02-2011, 03:52 PM
Since this hasn't got any replies yet I feel I should say something.

First pros: Although it's not completely original, the four horeseman of the apocalypse is not a very common manga theme. Good job.

Cons: Im sorry but what you have is a setting not a plot/story. You've just told us who your characters are not what there doing.

Again sorry to be blunt but your characters seem Marty Stu/Mary Sueish, powerful, good looking, everybody likes them. Also with the villain, him being bored is not a good motivation. Every villain needs something to fight for, even if it's just money or power, that's what makes them villains. Otherwise when the hero puts up a half decent fight the villain just thinks 'screw this not worth the effort' and walks off. Which is a massive anti-climax and poor story telling.

Why do your characters have these powers? Where they born with them and how exactly do they work? Do they view them as a blessing or as a curse? Do civilians view them as mighty heroes or with suspicion of there power? How has nobody else realised that they're not aging normaly? What are there backgrounds, wealthy or poor, born in the country or a city, large family or small family? You can add a lot more to this.

Whatever you do do not make them orphans. For that is incredibly cliche.