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View Full Version : RoLePlaY Ch.1 (pages 10-12 up!)



Tsig
07-11-2011, 11:47 PM
Title: Roleplay
Genre: Shonen? Like aimed at 12 year-old-ish age group
Medium: Ink and Paper

Plot: An unexpected adventure to a new land enables a group of friends to pursue the answers to the strange events occurring on their island.

**READS FROM RIGHT TO LEFT**

SOOO... Hi everyone =) I haven't posted here for a long time........ sorry about that.... School does that to me.......

Anyways, I posted the prologue to this story here last year (I believe on the old forum.) If you want to read it, here it is again:

Prologue
----------

Page 1: http://img152.imageshack.us/img152/9523/rpprologuepg1.jpg


Page 2: http://img152.imageshack.us/img152/6290/rpprologuepg2.jpg

Pages 3-4: http://img217.imageshack.us/img217/2908/rpprologuepgs34connecte.jpg

Page 5: http://img140.imageshack.us/img140/4954/rpprologuepg5.jpg

Pages 6-7: http://img541.imageshack.us/img541/5411/rpprologuepgs67connecte.jpg

Page 8: http://img217.imageshack.us/img217/454/rpprologuepg8.jpg

Page 9: http://img217.imageshack.us/img217/2180/rpprologuepg9.jpg

Page 10: http://img217.imageshack.us/img217/7373/rpprologuepg10.jpg

Page 11: http://img217.imageshack.us/img217/281/rpprologuepg11.jpg

Page 12: http://img217.imageshack.us/img217/5715/rpprologuepg12.jpg

Page 13: http://img217.imageshack.us/img217/6562/rpprologuepg13.jpg

Page 14: http://img210.imageshack.us/img210/346/rpprologuepg14.jpg

Page 15: http://img210.imageshack.us/img210/4930/rpprologuepg15.jpg

I really want to become better at drawing manga. This story is kind of a run-through for me. Not that I don't care about it or I'm not trying really hard on it, but it's my oldest idea for a story. So, I'm drawing it first so that I can learn and gain skill, and I'm hoping that your advice and thoughts will help me =)

I'm going to try to make updates in sets of three pages, so it's not just single pages.

And viola'! The first three pages!

Page 1 : http://img855.imageshack.us/img855/8527/roleplaych1page1higheri.jpg

Page 2 : http://img97.imageshack.us/img97/7849/roleplaych1page2.jpg

Page 3 : http://img3.imageshack.us/img3/2158/roleplaych1page3.jpg

Please critique as harshly as you see fit, and/or whatever you think/random feelings. O and if something doesn't make sense or you are wondering about something, I might have completely forgotten to explain it, so don't feel shy in pointing it out ; ) .

I really hope you enjoy it!

Fenn
07-12-2011, 12:17 PM
Well, your proportions aren't bad, but they keep changing, especially on page 2. Half the time her shoulders don't reach past the sides of her head, other times they reach out more realistically. It's almost like you have two characters there.

Also, for a comic aimed at a pre-teen fanbase, your art style, while actually quite attractive, seems too dark. The very first image is just a tad bit frightning, but that's very subjective.

Of course it's far too early to judge the plot or anything like that. The speech and speech bubble placement are good.

Tsig
07-12-2011, 03:42 PM
On the proportions, I was trying to distort them on the 5th and 6th frame on the 2nd page, and the last one on the 3rd page. For the 6th frame, I was trying to make her body seem like flat and wavy. On the 5th frame of the 2nd page and the last frame on the third, I tried to distort them to make her seem smaller- like to convey a sad feeling on the 5th frame and a vulnerable feeling on the last one.

So, maybe I need to distort them more to make it more obvious that it was on purpose? So that it doesn't distract the reader into wondering if it was a mistake? Or should I just try to make the images where she is distorted look more alike 0.o ?

Lol I can see what you're saying about the darkness. I don't know if I'll change it though... I do think it'll be important to make it seem lighter at least when the situation is less intense, to set the mood. O well, the "target audience" at this point is still flexible, so I'll keep it in mind. O and thanks a bunch, your comments are really helpful =D

Fenn
07-12-2011, 03:57 PM
On the proportions, I was trying to distort them on the 5th and 6th frame on the 2nd page, and the last one on the 3rd page. For the 6th frame, I was trying to make her body seem like flat and wavy. On the 5th frame of the 2nd page and the last frame on the third, I tried to distort them to make her seem smaller- like to convey a sad feeling on the 5th frame and a vulnerable feeling on the last one.

So, maybe I need to distort them more to make it more obvious that it was on purpose? So that it doesn't distract the reader into wondering if it was a mistake? Or should I just try to make the images where she is distorted look more alike 0.o ?

Lol I can see what you're saying about the darkness. I don't know if I'll change it though... I do think it'll be important to make it seem lighter at least when the situation is less intense, to set the mood. O well, the "target audience" at this point is still flexible, so I'll keep it in mind. O and thanks a bunch, your comments are really helpful =D

Panel 4 on page 2 and the last panel on page 3...those are the ones that caught my eye as "off." I think you are right; a little more exaggeration would be better. Actually, it may just be that while the body shinking worked, the face isn't expressive enough to match. Yeah, I think that's it; just give her a more surprised look to match her "shunken" frame. Maybe a third party can confirm or disagree.

As for target audience I'd say create what you want to create; at this stage the target audience shouldn't affect you unless you are adamant about it being "For all Ages." Even then, art style is far less a factor that content and language where the appropriate audience is concerned. You're fine :)

And you're welcome. I WISH I could draw like you can. You have areas to improve, of course, but you're way ahead of me.

Tsig
07-13-2011, 03:34 PM
Okay I'll keep that in mind for the future - And thanks a bunch! I'll keep at it!

I'm working on the sixth page right now, so I should have an update ready by the end of the day.

Outcast
07-13-2011, 10:12 PM
Why right to left?

Tsig
07-14-2011, 07:26 PM
Outcast- Well, it just doesn't feel right to do it from left to right, and it comes out weird =/ I think it's probably cause I don't think I've ever read a series that read from left to right, so I'm just not used to it.

I tried to work on exaggeration more in the next few pages.

Here's pages 4-6:

Page 4: http://img8.imageshack.us/img8/1268/roleplaych1page4.jpg

Page 5: http://img692.imageshack.us/img692/3866/roleplaych1page5.jpg

Page 6: http://img190.imageshack.us/img190/6641/roleplaych1page6.jpg

Fenn
07-14-2011, 08:07 PM
Outcast- Well, it just doesn't feel right to do it from left to right, and it comes out weird =/ I think it's probably cause I don't think I've ever read a series that read from left to right, so I'm just not used to it.

I tried to work on exaggeration more in the next few pages.

Here's pages 4-6:

Page 4: http://img8.imageshack.us/img8/1268/roleplaych1page4.jpg

Page 5: http://img692.imageshack.us/img692/3866/roleplaych1page5.jpg

Page 6: http://img190.imageshack.us/img190/6641/roleplaych1page6.jpg

Woah! The plot just hooked me. I'm eager to see what's next!

Only critique here is that the protagonist's face could use a slight bit more consistency of features. But that's nitpicking; great job overall, especially the foreshortening.

ram
07-15-2011, 08:18 AM
i really don't know anything about proportions changing from the expressions.. i just know about the head becoming big or it becoming chibi or facial expressions or fish eye lens technique..

well i don't really know all of the rules concerning manga so i could be in the wrong

aaannyyyywaaaayy.... i think there should be something before page 1,,i'm pretty sure there is something... the only thing is why didn't you upload it?

for the crit
i think you should focus on clothing on what it should look like in side view and front view...
look on page 6.. about the guy there...
although i can't really understand much about the main look of the clothes so it could be just me...

Tsig
07-15-2011, 08:10 PM
@ Fenn - That makes me happy and thanks ^^ I'll keep the consistency of the features in mind.

@Ramiel - I set the link to it but I'll upload it here too. The prologue was what came before, and there's like a year time gap between when I worked on it and now that I'm working on these pages, so I apologize if they don't flow well =/ O and I see where the clothing perspectives are a little off- I think I messed up on some of the proportions (like of the upper area of his vest) when I was trying to show movement. Thanks for pointing that out =) I'll be more careful with it now.

I'll edit the prologue into my first post. I think that if I would have done it now that I could have made certain things more clear... but oh well. Live and learn :)

ram
07-16-2011, 06:42 AM
oh!! that's a long prologue,,
i could throw in some few more critique.,. i won't crit on the prologue since it's your old drawing,, so i'll just go with the new ones
page 4: right foot of the girl,.,
page 5: bottom panel guy on the left side has it's elbow meeting
page 6: risk and hand of the guy... the one taking the money or apple(i don't know)
i hope you get what i mean, well i could crit some more but i have to put some type of red lines or put some example,, but i hate doing those stuffs cause i'm lazy..
although i really like your stuffs!!

Tsig
07-16-2011, 11:26 PM
Thanks a bunch for the crit =) I didn't even notice the first two until you pointed them out, so that's really helpful. And the last one, looking at it now, I think I drew more awkwardly than anything... haha and it is an apple, btw. Now that I think about it, if he was holding an apple that way, you would probably see his thumb on that side, since his fingers would be on the other...

If I ever do anything more with these pages, I'll be sure to fix these things. Until then, I'll move on. But I still really appreciate every bit of help =)


Here's the next three:

Page 7: http://img4.imageshack.us/img4/7157/roleplaych1page7.jpg

Page 8: http://img15.imageshack.us/img15/7581/roleplaych1page8.jpg

Page 9:http://img832.imageshack.us/img832/2976/roleplaych1page9.jpg

Fenn
07-17-2011, 12:07 PM
Pages 7 and 8 are the same thing...oops.

Tsig
07-17-2011, 02:17 PM
Whoops my bad... Fixed it =)

Fenn
07-17-2011, 11:05 PM
I'm sooooooooooooo wondering where you're going with this. Art's looking good too, no major crits just keep improving.

ram
07-17-2011, 11:48 PM
well i don't really know what to crit(atleast in words i can't)
i want to know where the story is going though.. the guy has his hair as long as the girl so why wont he get a haircut?

Tsig
07-20-2011, 02:50 PM
Your not supposed to know where the story is going yet =P The first chapter is about 48 pages long (roughly, since I just have a general idea for each of the pages...)

@ Ramiel: Good eye =) The guys hair is on the edge, but he's always on time with his haircuts and Tyra isn't, so the hairdresser has some spite towards Tyra (as shown by her terrible haircut.) They comment on this later in the chapter, so let me know if it's not obvious by the end.

I've been really busy the last few days, but I should have an update soon.

Edit:
--------------------------
+++UPDATE

Page 10: http://img143.imageshack.us/img143/4314/roleplaych1page10.jpg

Page 11: http://img812.imageshack.us/img812/98/roleplaych1page11.jpg

Page 12: http://img810.imageshack.us/img810/2338/roleplaych1page12.jpg

I re-drew the panel with the full-body Derek in it like 6 times cause I just couldn't get it right, and I'm still not sure if I'm happy with it. So critiques on that would be especially helpful =)

tagYURIT
07-26-2011, 06:46 AM
I can't understand it
. .wew.. . .i think you should develop your story telling techniques. .^^

Fenn
07-27-2011, 08:51 AM
Uh...I'm lost now. Between pgs 9 and 10 there seems to be no transition or explanation of any kind.

The lack of plot details is forgiven since we're technically only 12 pages in.

ram
07-27-2011, 05:59 PM
you could try to make it a little taller, you see it would be nice if it's six heads tall. that would be the average height of one person.
and since this is top quarter view, neck shouldn't be that long and head should be placed almost near the shoulders.

and in page 10, in the last panel with the guy with the scary face, i think what you want it to look like should be in quarter top view turn from the back, that should make a scary look from that guy. well he doesn't give a very scary aura in that position if you ask me.

Tsig
07-28-2011, 03:42 PM
@tagURIT: Thanks for the heads up. That's why I'm drawing this, so I can practice everything involved in making manga ;)

@Fen: Hmmmm... I think I didn't make the transition within page 10 clear enough =/. Let me make sure you know what happened so you can help me with what's wrong: Claus runs off to get some seaweed he'd caught the day before for Tyra (by mistake while attempting to catch fish), but he runs into Todd (he'll be further introduced later) who gives him a scary look. Anyways, he gets the seaweed and begins to run back to Tyra. While he's gone, Derel (a new character) shows up and delivers some dry seaweed from Tom (a character that we haven't met yet.) Thanks!

@Ramiel: I've heard that rule before but does it work for children too? Like pre-teen? O and I made the guy with his chin up looking down to give him more of an arrogant demeanor... but I really like the idea of turning his back. Thanks =)

ram
07-28-2011, 06:21 PM
it's never too late for another lecture so here
teenage girl about 15-20 years old
http://i1225.photobucket.com/albums/ee388/skyramiel/060.jpg?t=1311890972
10-14 years old
http://i1225.photobucket.com/albums/ee388/skyramiel/062.jpg?t=1311890976http://i1225.photobucket.com/albums/ee388/skyramiel/063.jpg?t=1311890981
5-9 years old
http://i1225.photobucket.com/albums/ee388/skyramiel/065.jpg?t=1311890984
2-4 years old
http://i1225.photobucket.com/albums/ee388/skyramiel/066.jpg?t=1311890987

top view
http://i1225.photobucket.com/albums/ee388/skyramiel/078.jpg?t=1311891010
bottom view
http://i1225.photobucket.com/albums/ee388/skyramiel/079.jpg?t=1311891012

though there are people who make 6 heads tall even for kids like touhou who just make the head big for grown ups and small for kids.

anyway girls and guys isn't that different from this topic. the only difference is that the guy usually has a much longer head and just have much wider torso.

Tsig
07-28-2011, 10:15 PM
0.0 O my gosh that is really helpful. I'm definitely going to be referring back to this for awhile. I see what you mean now. Thank you so much!!

ram
07-29-2011, 02:20 AM
i can't remember how many times i commented something like this to the critique corner. and it seems not a lot of people know about this.

well anyway glad it helped