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brain132
12-19-2010, 09:51 PM
Just last night I made this short story but somethings lacking in it. I'm not sure what. Any advise would be appreciated.


Splashes echoed through out the place as Melisa ran, followed by deep uneven breaths. It was cold and damp with water leaks everywhere, with an occasional flicker of lights and sparks before going out again. The place was like a maze as Melisa turned at repeated corners. Her own frequent breathing seemed to come from else where as she constantly glimpsed behind her shoulder. Melisa's heart pounded against her chest as she hoped it couldn't be heard.Her shoes were soaked and so cold, she had no feeling in her feet. She was starting to loose her legs as well as water splashed up from her clomping feet. But fear kept her going. That man could be anywhere. He seemed to be right behind her, breathing her down. But he's never there when she looks.

Halting, Melisa's breath escapes her as is if it was knocked out of her. What was only ten feet away, barely noticeable in the dark was the man she was running from. Tall with a dark hooded cape. Melisa thought for sure there wouldn't be a person who couldn't hear her pounding chest right now. But the hooded man had his back turned, oblivious to her. She takes a step backwards and something almost makes her trip as she stepped on it.

Slowly reaching down, Melisa doesn't take her eyes off the man for a second. But he just stands there not making a single movement. silly goose her fingers around a thin metal object, Melisa slowly lifts up a club. The man still hasn't moved an inch. Licking her parched lips even though the air was moist, Melisa positioned the club over her head ready to strike.
Slowly and quietly as possible, Melisa took one step forward. As if an alarm went off, she stepped into a puddle as it splashed. Melisa charged towards the man's back knowing its now or never. With a definite swing and yell, boxes spilled to the floor with the dark cape.

Icy fingers wrapped around Melisa's throat and club, pulling her into a tight embrace. She tried to struggle, but it was useless. Screaming wouldn't have done anything even if she could. Black spots began to cover the most of her vision as he tightened his hold on her throat. His breath was just as cold as his hands as he whispered into her ear.

"No more games."

SamuraiChameleon
12-30-2010, 04:23 AM
It may be just me, but it seems kind of weird that you didn't use the same tense throughout the whole thing. In some parts, you describe stuff using the past tense and in other parts you use the present tense.

brain132
01-01-2011, 01:26 PM
I do? I'll have to look into that.