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 Post subject: Re: improve your writing skills #2
PostPosted: Wed Dec 29, 2010 3:04 pm 
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Crap, can I have an extension of two days or something? I've been ill for a while now.

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 Post subject: Re: improve your writing skills #2
PostPosted: Wed Dec 29, 2010 5:22 pm 
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Sure. And I think I'll move the limit to three days once you have posted yours. Two days isn't enough for some people.


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 Post subject: Re: improve your writing skills #2
PostPosted: Fri Dec 31, 2010 7:16 pm 
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Okay, I'll have it in tomorrow. If I don't, skip me.

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 Post subject: Re: improve your writing skills #2
PostPosted: Wed Jan 05, 2011 5:37 pm 
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Forgot to skip. It is now jaidurns turn.


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 Post subject: Re: improve your writing skills #2
PostPosted: Mon Jan 10, 2011 8:13 pm 
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Moving to goggy.


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 Post subject: Re: improve your writing skills #2
PostPosted: Wed Jan 12, 2011 3:29 pm 
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I'll do it tomorrow.

EDIT: Scratch that, I'll have to pass.

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 Post subject: Re: improve your writing skills #2
PostPosted: Sat Jan 15, 2011 11:22 am 
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Okay. I'm going have to skip this round also. So its angel dreamers turn.

Edit:
Also, when we move to the new website, I'm going to need one or two people who can help run different improve your writing skills thread. Also, Fenn who is in charge of one in the new website had an idea that you just post your story once you have one, and no order. But only one story per thread can be active at once. Then once people have had their chance to crit, we move on with who ever else has a story ready. You can't post a story twice in a role though. And if you have one ready but someone beats you to posting it, then you can pm me and I'll hold a reservation. What do you all think?


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 Post subject: Re: improve your writing skills #2
PostPosted: Sun Jan 16, 2011 9:05 pm 
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okay, done!
TAKE THIS WRITERS BLOCK, AN ACTUAL STORY.
though to be honest I think writer's block may actually have won this one...>>

-Waiting-

I want you to know that I'm still waiting for you.

On cold mornings like this one, when all the courage I can muster isn't enough to withstand the loneliness of our silent house, I escape to the beach. I sit on the edge of the dock with my feet dangling down towards the ocean, skimming my toes over the caps of the gentle swells. The water calms me down. It reminds me of you, so quiet and mellow, and I always imagine I can hear your voice in the murmuring waves.

Of course, I've seen those waves in a thunderous rage as well, a destructive monster consuming everything in its path.

Everyone thinks I'm insane because I still love the sea, after all the pain it's caused me. They say I should have developed a phobia, should have moved away from this little town by the ocean, should have given up sailing and lived my life disconnected from the water. All the hours I've spent since the storm sitting on the beach, staring out at the horizon, with sea foam lapping at the sand in front of me are the opposite of how I should have behaved.

I watch the ocean because I still believe, one day, you'll walk out of it.

Two nights ago, I took our little boat out past the harbor walls and slackened the sail, letting the currents carry me farther from the shore. It was a clear night, bright and cold, and the starlight reflected brilliantly off of the water's rippled glassy surface. I leaned over the boat's edge and trailed my fingertips in the seawater, watching light slowly spread upwards from the foggy horizon.

I knew immediately when I had reached the spot amid the icy swells that marked your grave. My heart skipped, and in my mind I could see you resting on the ocean floor, your black hair swirling against pale lifeless skin. The night of that freak storm, I lost consciousness when the boat rolled and threw me against the surface of the waves. I never saw you sink, but I know exactly where you are.

I've been asked many times why I don't move on, first by the woman who pulled me out of the water after you'd disappeared into the depths, then by the family that stops by our house every once in a while to see if I'm still alive. The answer is really quite simple: I am happy with my life as it is now. I am content to stay here, in the house we shared, and spend my time wishing for the impossible; that someday, somehow, you'll find your way back to me. That night, I could have chosen to let you go. But I've always preferred living in a dream to crying over something I could never change.

I hope you knew, as you felt yourself slipping away from this world, that I will always wait for you to return.

I stood there in our tiny sailboat as the first rays of sunlight crept across the sky, rocking back and forth with the rhythm of the waves, caught in a world comprised of only you, me, and the vast, wild ocean. Then I turned the boat around and headed back toward the shore as the sun rose behind me.


Pffft, fail.
I love how my stories can get to be (somewhat) long and my characters are so self-absorbed that there still isn't any dialogue.
honestly, I'm so tired that I can't tell if this is better or worse than what I usually come up with. which is where you come in, I guess. critique away. :)


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 Post subject: Re: improve your writing skills #2
PostPosted: Sun Jan 16, 2011 11:14 pm 
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Wow. I really like the way you explained everything. I don't have any crits. I would really like to see a story with dialogue though. You should try that sometime.


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 Post subject: Re: improve your writing skills #2
PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2011 3:47 am 
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As brain132 said, you're really good at explaining things and "painting" images. As Brian said, you should implement som dialouge, but not this sort of story. It fits more without it.

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 Post subject: Re: improve your writing skills #2
PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2011 5:22 pm 
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Okay, Angel's turn is up, but instead of moving onto umberkid (sorry), I want to try something that got started in the new thread. The order of the list doesn't matter anymore. You can post whenever you want. Only one person can post their story at a time though. After they post their story, you have to wait 2 days afterwords to post your story. And you cannot post 2 times in a row. Also, if you have a story ready but someone beats you to posting it, then you can pm me, and I'll hold a reservation. So whoever has their short story ready first can go ahead and post it whenever you want.

Edit: And if anyone is willing, I'm looking for someone to help with one of the threads once we move to the new website.

Edit 2: And if no one posts a short story in three days, then I'll assign someone to.


Last edited by Brain132 on Sat Jan 22, 2011 11:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: improve your writing skills #2
PostPosted: Sat Jan 22, 2011 1:41 pm 
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Well, I guess I'll be first. What I wrote is more of prologue form, which I've really got to work on. So I'll appreciate the crits or advise (:

Unnatural winds tore through the many trees, knocking loose leaves that had just blossomed, blowing them out of sight. Blades of grass lost their roots, buffeted with the leaves, as all the trees almost completely bent over with the force of a hurricane as trunks snapped. Nothing could be heard but the wind that screeched as it passed

Suddenly the wind stopped without a breeze to hint the disastrous winds have being there. The few torn branches that managed to hold on to their tree hung limply, swinging only slightly now. A faint sound in the forest could be heard, becoming more distinct as it drew near. Sticks and branches snapped as an old man drenched in sweat burst through a thicket, wheezing heavily. His eyes were wide with fear as he constantly glanced behind himself as if something was chasing him. Moving quicker than expected from an old man, he tore through more branches, frantically checking behind himself for pursuers

Vaporizing in front of him, someone else appeared, stopping the old man in his tracks as he lifted him off the ground by the throat. "You try to run away from me old fool? If I wasn't so bored, I would have killed you an hour ago."

The old man clawed at the sudden appeared man's hands, gasping for breath. But with no effect. "Want me to put you down? I intend to." Flames erupted from his hand, scorching the old man's throat. He opened his mouth trying to scream, but he hit the ground unmoving before a sound could come out.



The beginning is a bit corny (and possibly the whole thing), so I'd like to hear any change that comes to your mind that I could make to it.


Last edited by Brain132 on Sun Jan 23, 2011 12:03 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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 Post subject: Re: improve your writing skills #2
PostPosted: Sun Jan 23, 2011 10:27 am 
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Quote:
Unnatural winds tore through the many trees, knocking lose leaves that has just blossomed, and blew them out of sight.


It should be 'loose', not 'lose'. Also, you say 'has' blossomed. It should be 'had'. Also, not sure if this is right, I would change the last part to 'blowing them out of sight'.

Quote:
Blades of grass lost their roots, buffeted with the leaves, as all the trees almost completely bent over with the force of a hurricane as trunks snapped.


I think this sentence goes on a bit too much. It doesn't sound right to me. 'Buffeted' could maybe be 'buffeting'? Then you could get rid of 'as'.

"Blades of grass lost their roots, buffeting with the leaves. Every tree was almost completely bent over as the force of a hurricane snapped their trunks." Though I wouldn't have used buffeting... just me, though. XD It's one of those words I rarely use.

Quote:
Suddenly the wind stopped without a breeze to hint the disastrous winds have being there.


The two 'wind's makes the sentence sound wrong.

Quote:
Vaporizing


I'm not sure that's a suitable word. I don't think you need to say that before 'someone else appeared'.

Quote:
sudden appeared man's hands


XD Sudden appeared man sounds weird.

Quote:
He opened his mouth, trying to scream. But he hit the ground unmoving before a sound could come out.


I think it should all be one sentence.


I like it. The descriptions are good and I'm curious to find out what happens to the old man.

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 Post subject: Re: improve your writing skills #2
PostPosted: Sun Jan 23, 2011 11:50 am 
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Thanks goggy. Though one thing you said, I didn't quite understand. Like the second quote you have. And as for the winds mentioned twice in one sentence, I'm still not sure about it. So any ideas would be apriciated. I've changed the sentence. Though I still don't like it. Here it is:

Suddenly the invisible hurricane stopped without a breeze to hint the existence of the unnatural winds.
(or I was thinking of a sentence like this) : Suddenly the wind stopped without a breeze to hint the existence of the unnatural ______ (don't know what to put for last word).


As for vaporizing, I agree. Any word suggestions?

I'm at a loss for the one about sudden appeared man's hands sentence.


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 Post subject: Re: improve your writing skills #2
PostPosted: Mon Jan 24, 2011 3:24 pm 
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For the second one, I thought the sentence was too long.

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