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 Post subject: AP Lit Homework, I need Critiques on what I wrote.
PostPosted: Mon Sep 13, 2010 12:36 am 
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Reading: AP Lit book...F***
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Playing: with my....i mean the computer.
Night, a time were people who party do, people who work sleep, and people who think dream. Dreams can be a creation of wonder in the subconscious or a creation of fear in form of a nightmare. Of the very seldom dreams I have, one in particular stands out of all of them for its elegant beauty and dashing scenery.
After a long night, I passed out into one of the best sleeps of my life. I was laying in a field of soft, short, yellow grass. The sky was lit by a light shade of violet yet the moon and stars where out. The overly-sized crescent-shaped moon danced with the bright white stars around it. The moon started moving away, and I got up to follow suit. It lured me to a meadow of roses. Reds, blues, whites, and yellows fluttered in the gentle breeze around me. The pollen of them filled my nostrils with the most tasteful of aromas. From the blue roses I could smell lavender and the ocean, and from the yellows I smelled sweet fruits. From the red and white ones, I could smell cinnamon and mint mixing together inside my nasal cavity until I could almost taste what could be a candy cane.
The breeze picked up and carried me to a place that seemed familiar, but not. I was at the base of Niagara Falls but with Mt. Fuji behind it. A rainbow arched from the mountains peak to a rock sitting under the falls. A voice in my head told me to sit under the falls on the rock, and I did so without question. The moment the water and rainbow collided with my bare back, a rush of peaceful feelings sprinted through my entire body. I could feel the cold of the waterfall mixing with the warm light of the rainbow to create a perfect temperature on me. My head cleared of any bad feelings, and I was suddenly taken over by enlightening thoughts. Things I could never think of but only dream surged around in my brain as clear as glass, but then I realized that this could only be a dream and snapped back into consciousness with heavy eyes that looked around my darkened room. Almost instantaneously I drifted back to sleep, but when I came to in my dream world, I was in a different place.
The sky was sullen, blood red. Crows flew past an oversized harvest moon. There were bones sticking from the ground all around, all hands making rude gestures with there white, bony fingers. The air was filled with a polluted haze. A decrepit man standing at least six feet tall was smoking a cigar on a smoothly cut tree trunk. He stood up and started to walk towards me. He did not have an arm, just a bloody stump with bone sticking out. As he drew nearer, The stump began to grow and what came out was a giant scythe-like blade that was taller than he was and twice as wide. He swung with lighting speed and gashed into my gut. I thought I might be dead but I opened my eyes and noticed I was in water, swimming. I held my breath for as long as I could and swam quickly up but with fail for there was not an up. I breathed in the cool fresh water and breathed out. The water was like air. I started to explore and found a marvelous coral city. People were swimming all in it. The had pale skin and fins on there feet, legs, and arms. A pair of burley guards walked up to me with spears raised to me neck. They walked me through the city and I saw all the wonders it could hold. Gold and silver paneling throughout the walls of the massive city. Beautiful swimming women dressed in fine flowing silk, were fiddling with a small trinket on a stand. The guards brought me to a castle door in the middle of the city and opened it with ease. The ceiling was also platted with gold and silver. Extravagant red drapes hung over three story windows that led off to a carpet that were too, like the drapes, red, but it was smooth like seaweed. People swimming in maid and butler outfits lined against the walls as the guards and I walked through the hall until we reached another large door. This door had engravings of people with a great trident killing different creatures and erecting a great carving of the city. We walked in and there In a seashell throne was an old man with the trident from the door grasped in his hands. He took aim and a giant flash of blue, green, and yellow rushed past my head and I woke instantly with water being dropped on my face by my mother telling me to get ready for school.
I can still remember all those tremendous places I visited in my dreams, longing to see them as I go to sleep at night. To let the wind of the fields brush over my face gently and feel the coolness of water rush down my spine or be breathed in my lungs, calls me every night to turn in early with monstrous hope of being able to experience the feeling of it all once more. Until then, my dreamless sleeps and unremembered dreams fill my day with misery when I wake without a smile on my face.


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 Post subject: Re: AP Lit Homework, I need Critiques on what I wrote.
PostPosted: Mon Sep 13, 2010 1:19 am 
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Location: Waiting for the Bat signal O.O
Gender: Male
Listening To: Slow Burn by Atreyu
Reading: AP Lit book...F***
Eating: a snack
Drinking: Tea
Playing: with my....i mean the computer.
Please T.T I need to know befor I turn this in for a fail grade.


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 Post subject: Re: AP Lit Homework, I need Critiques on what I wrote.
PostPosted: Mon Sep 13, 2010 7:15 pm 
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I don't have time to c & c right now, but I can tell you that the first sentence is incomplete, and is therefore a fragment.

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 Post subject: Re: AP Lit Homework, I need Critiques on what I wrote.
PostPosted: Mon Sep 13, 2010 9:37 pm 
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Joined: Sun Sep 12, 2010 1:07 pm
Posts: 49
Location: Waiting for the Bat signal O.O
Gender: Male
Listening To: Slow Burn by Atreyu
Reading: AP Lit book...F***
Eating: a snack
Drinking: Tea
Playing: with my....i mean the computer.
wrong. its a multi-clause sentence and used mainly for writing colledge term paper introductions. I turned it in and got a 95% on it. the notes on the paper told me that --^


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 Post subject: Re: AP Lit Homework, I need Critiques on what I wrote.
PostPosted: Tue Sep 14, 2010 12:40 am 
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*facepalm*
Without a colon in it, the sentence reads as incomplete.


edit: And lol, spelling "college" correctly would probably make you more credible.

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Last edited by Celestial-Fox on Tue Sep 14, 2010 6:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: AP Lit Homework, I need Critiques on what I wrote.
PostPosted: Tue Sep 14, 2010 1:25 am 
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Actually, I think there should be a colon after 'Night'.

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 Post subject: Re: AP Lit Homework, I need Critiques on what I wrote.
PostPosted: Tue Sep 14, 2010 9:20 pm 
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Joined: Sun Sep 12, 2010 1:07 pm
Posts: 49
Location: Waiting for the Bat signal O.O
Gender: Male
Listening To: Slow Burn by Atreyu
Reading: AP Lit book...F***
Eating: a snack
Drinking: Tea
Playing: with my....i mean the computer.
lol dammit I can't spell that word right ever! College or Colledge i think they sound the same.


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