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 Post subject: Re: Improve your writing skills
PostPosted: Thu Nov 25, 2010 5:35 am 
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Celestial-Fox wrote:
In case you didn't see before:

Celestial-Fox wrote:
Augh, that was SO GOOD. SO GOOD. I wrote out something more comprehensive, but I'll have to get that to you tomorrow (perhaps in the morning?). <333


Edit: Okay, this came WAY later than I had hoped, because my scanner breadsticked on me for a few days. D|
[page one]
[page two]


Ahhh! I did not see that! <333 Thank you!

THANK YOU DEL ILU YOU BEAST <3!

Cheers Brain! (I have no idea what "XD Zizi's reacting the same way I did the first time." Means though XD)

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 Post subject: Re: Improve your writing skills
PostPosted: Thu Nov 25, 2010 5:58 am 
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Zizi wrote:
If you guys refuse to crit this I'll do it myself. And I'll be MEAN.

Like. This line: "She knows if she faces the image of his smile shredding before her eyes as the windscreen shatters and the flames erupting out of the silly goose spread around his torso and head then she’ll just give up and wait for death."


I'm not good at being mean. D: Especially when it comes to awesome writers.

This was short and sweet and I really like it. I don't really have much to crit (Delph and Seefy pretty much got everything) but as for the sentence you mentioned, I think it's slightly too long. It's powerful but maybe too much for just one sentence.

"She knows if she watches his smile rip off his face, the windscreen shattering and raining down on his fiery limbs as they flail like a fish on land, she’ll just give up and wait for death."

Only better, of course. ;)

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 Post subject: Re: Improve your writing skills
PostPosted: Thu Nov 25, 2010 6:11 am 
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Cheers Goggy!

I'm well chuffed people seem to like it, anyway :)

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 Post subject: Re: Improve your writing skills
PostPosted: Thu Nov 25, 2010 9:53 am 
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Okay, since nothing else is being said, its now Renzokuken's turn. This time I would apreciate it if everyone posted a crit, or at least a comment.

I said this after Del posted his story. I was a little upset that no one was but goggy and me were the only ones commenting. But turned out that other people just simply hadn't had enough time to comment or crit yet ;)
That's what I meant by you're rezcting the same way I did.


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 Post subject: Re: Improve your writing skills
PostPosted: Thu Nov 25, 2010 2:43 pm 
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Ahhh, haha okay.

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 Post subject: Re: Improve your writing skills
PostPosted: Fri Nov 26, 2010 5:26 am 
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I'm just a bit confused. We're just going to write a short story and get critic, right? No "common" subject or anything. + In what order are we supposed to post?

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 Post subject: Re: Improve your writing skills
PostPosted: Fri Nov 26, 2010 5:32 am 
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Son44 wrote:
We're just going to write a short story and get critic, right? No "common" subject or anything.

Yep. :)


Annnnd:
1. Celestial-Fox
2. Del
3. Brain132
4. Angel_dreamer
5. jaidurn
6. Zizi
7. goggy
8. pencil
9. Son44

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 Post subject: Re: Improve your writing skills
PostPosted: Fri Nov 26, 2010 10:44 am 
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Thanks Celestial-Fox. Yeah you can just post whatever short story you want.


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 Post subject: Re: Improve your writing skills
PostPosted: Fri Nov 26, 2010 10:59 pm 
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ill join this.


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 Post subject: Re: Improve your writing skills
PostPosted: Sat Nov 27, 2010 12:04 pm 
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Does the story have to be about anything in particular?

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 Post subject: Re: Improve your writing skills
PostPosted: Sat Nov 27, 2010 7:37 pm 
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Nope. Its whatever you want. Unless you want me to assign something if you can't decide what to write. And Roxas will now be number 10.


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 Post subject: Re: Improve your writing skills
PostPosted: Mon Nov 29, 2010 8:13 am 
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Typed this all at school today. I'm posting this at school today. I'm such a rebel.

Spoiler! :
They say she does everything twice.

When the gentle rays of light shine through her window and land on her skin, she opens her eyes and slides out of bed. Then she jumps back in, huddling under the covers, shutting her eyes tight. She waits a moment before lifting the duvet high above her head and slipping out of bed once more.

Mother thinks she’s a lazy girl. Everyone has finished their breakfast and is in the process of washing up when she sidles in, wearing her school uniform, settling down at the table behind a mushy pile of cornflakes. She leaves the room abruptly and re-enters. She’ll be late fer school, Mother always remarks. Why can’t yeh ‘urry up, Mother always asks.

She always says, “’Cause... ‘Cause...” and falters out.

Mother thinks she’s a greedy girl. Two glasses of orange juice, she has. She slurps the first one down before pouring herself another. Then she goes and has two bowls of cornflakes! Two! It drives Mother mad. She always has to pop to the supermarket more than she would like to restock our cupboards and we ain’t made of money. Father works in the factory and Mother works at home. He don’t make too much money and she none at all.

I walk with her to school to keep her company. She ain’t got no friends. They call her names. Freak. Weirdo. Loser. They laugh when she talks, stuttering and tripping over their words when they copy her. The teachers all tried to help her talk right at first, but they gave up when she didn’t learn.

Mother thinks she’s a stupid girl. She never does well in tests. She writes the answers out and then she writes them out again. Poor girl never finishes. The teachers whisper about special needs and put her in the stupid class. It ain’t fair ‘cause she ain’t stupid. If I could, I would make a fuss. I insist this and she duly nods her head. Once.

She don’t talk twice to me or nothing. I’m special; we get each other. When we’re alone, we sit on the bench in the park and chat. She’s such a nice girl. I wish I could be like her. Such a nice, smart girl.

Mother thinks she’s a hopeless girl. Ain’t much o’ a looker, though I think she looks quite nice. She ain’t got no brains neither, so she ain’t gonna get nowhere. What a useless child, she says. At least Tom might become someone, she says.

I don’t like Tom too much. Too loud. She don’t like him either. Didn’t want a brother. Didn’t want a brother. I want my sister. I want my sister. Mother says he’ll do and that she ought to be grateful. She would love to give her what she wants, but she can’t.

Once, when the pair of us was in our room, talking about meeting up in a faraway place, Mother comes in and blinks a few times. Then she goes, “Who are you talking to?”

“My sister,” she replies, “my sister.”

Mother gives her a funny look before leaving the room, mumbling incoherently. We shrug it off and continue playing.

Mother thinks she’s a crazy girl. They all do.

They say she does everything twice.

Yes. One time for her, and one time for me.


>.<

EDIT: Uh... editted.

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Last edited by goggy on Tue Nov 30, 2010 5:26 am, edited 2 times in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Improve your writing skills
PostPosted: Mon Nov 29, 2010 10:21 am 
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that made me cry. >.<
I really can't critique this.


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 Post subject: Re: Improve your writing skills
PostPosted: Mon Nov 29, 2010 11:28 am 
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Aw... =[ I hope I should feel pleased by that. I can critique this.

'want she wants'... argh. Typo. If I wasn't on my DSi, I would edit that.

I would add a 'down' after settle too.

Bet there's other stuff too. >.< It was hard giving her an accent, the 'she' might have meant the mother or the nameless girl and confused people, it was rushed... lots of things that I bet I haven't touched upon.

EDIT: Crud. The sentence about the supermarket sucks. 'She has to pop to the supermarket more than she would like to restock our kitchen blah blah' would be better.

what was i on.

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Last edited by goggy on Mon Nov 29, 2010 11:33 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Improve your writing skills
PostPosted: Mon Nov 29, 2010 11:31 am 
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but it's just so pretty.... ;3;
all of that stuff just flew over my head, actually. -.-'


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