Mayyybe (I've been thinking so hard about this sentence, and it's honestly kicking my butt), "You murmur in a dry whisper, barely able to muster a sound."

*flail* Gahhh, I don't know.

FFFFFF. I like yours so much better then the lame one I came up with.

I think it's because you tried to incorporate one of the "that"s. A lot of the time, "that" tends to be a dead word and can be replaced with something else or removed completely altogether.

THAT! And I beat myself up for WAYYYYY too long over that sentence. I came up with some pretty crappy suggestions at first, haha.

Hmm. I'm a little eeky on content edits, but you could just change the sentance structure.

"I love you" you murmer in that dry, whispery voice; it is all you can muster now.

I think the first 'that' gives it a sense of detachment. It is not 'your' voice; it is the voice the illness has forced upon you. But w/e, as I said I'm eeky on content editing :)

*RAGEFACE*

Lol what?

Lol.
That sentence has been bugging me too. I might have to steal one of your ideas.

angel_dreamer13: I sent you a pm then remembered that you were the one who forgot they exist. lol. So you could check it right now if you don't mind

Okay, it is now jaidurn's turn to post his short story. So whenever you are ready.

Mine is so short compared to your guys'.

"Daddy, I wanna go on the unicorn ride!" The little girls voice rung out to me, as it had several times that day. The voice kept on listing out rides that

one might find at a county fair until around midday. No matter where I went in my small 3 bedroom apartment, the voice still rang out as if I had a little

girl beside my side.

"Look, Daddy! A cotton candy stand!" Her voice was further away this time and then a shrill scream pierced the air. I put my hands to my lips to see if the

sound was comming from me. No air passed through my slightly parted lips. A sickening feeling started welling up in my stomic as the scream continued, now

obviously a scream of pain.

I'm already crazy, I thought, so I started to attempt communication to the screaming girl. "Daddy's here! Baby? What's hurting you?" I called out from the

slience of my fuzzy matress. If the girl replied to me, then I knew I was more than crazy.

The screaming started to get quieter and was replaced by sobbing. "Daddy? Will I be ok? Will I see mommy tonight?" The words froze me deep into my soul. As I

made connection with the disembodied voice, my consiousness was attacked. Something was in my mind, and I could feel it trying to control me.

I fought the urge to close my eyes, growing weaker by the second. The last thoughts to enter my mind were not what one might think. Not, "What is happening?"

or, "What could do this?" but rather my thoughts were on what happened to the little girl. With that, darkness consumed me.

Lights flashed into my view. Not the familier color of my bedroom, but rather the colors of a county fair. I recognized this area for some reason. It was

familier to me from a memory long forgotten. A scream brought me to attention and I realized it as the voice of the little girl. I looked around to find the

screaming coming from a little girl that was trapped under a stall that had fallen. I recognized it as one of the vendor set ups. Knives were strewn

everywhere. I gasped, horrified at the scene.

Seeing the scene with my own eyes, I started to understand the words the girl had said to me. Blood was starting to spill everywhere. There was no stopping

it. I just couldn't get any words out and the girls screaming started to weaken. I pulled the stand off of the girl to see that she her abdomin had been severed and her intestines were showing. The seperated legs were lifeless after a few moments of twitching.

"Daddy?" Sniffle. "Will I see mommy tonight in heaven?" I must be in the place of her father. Why me though? The little girl looked up to me in pain. I saw

blue eyes that reflected my same color. She expected an answer. I tried to choke one out from the tears that were streaming down my face. I wanted to throw

up, but the body I was in had no food in the stomich. I had to give her an answer to send her on her way.

"Yes, baby. You'll see your mother in heaven. Will you wait for me to get there?" The girl nodded as best as she could as her eyes started to glaze over. A

small smile was left on her face as the last breath of life left her.

As that last breath left her, I lost control of the body I was in. It started running as fast as it could. Through crowds of people, over fences to rides,

under the arms of guards. In seconds I found myself at the top of the tallest ride in the park, looking at all the ant like people that were gathering

around, some telling me not to jump. The body disobeyed all commands I gave it. It started falling. Gaining speed with gravity and finally, nothing.

I was back in my own body, sheets soaked with bile. My bile.

That is sad But really good! My eyes were glued to it the whole time, and I felt every emotion. I don't have any crits

I'm not a big fan of you jumping around on the page like that, it just seems too sporadic. But that's more of an opinion than a crit, really, and your descriptions are very good.

...You know. I never would have found much use for a strikethrough feature on the forum until now. D: Rio called it a no-go when Bacon asked, but still. Man, I need that. I think she can install it, but just hasn't seen a good enough reason to. Would you guys support the addition of the strikethough?

Some new things to the way I do this. I'll highlight nice lines in blue if I don't have anything specific to say about it.
Replacements of words are in [brackets] (Also put around added punctuation marks to make them more visible.)
Words that should be deleted are in bold. (darn you, strikethrough!)

Critique
Suggestion
Comment
Omit
[replace]

Spellcheck, Jai!

I agree with ADreamer about the spacing. I know it's probably a conflict of styles with me, but why did you choose to space where you did? Because of that, it reads as a prose poem, rather than just prose. If you choose to keep it spaced the way you did, try to make a conscious note of what words your lines start and end with. A great deal of power came come from just watching where the lines start and end.

Very trippy idea; I kinda like it.

Thanks Guys. I wasn't really sure about all the spacing. I prefer small paragraphs. >_>
The spacing also messed up when I copy pasta'd.
I see what you are saying about most of it. Thanks!
About the intestine part, I didn't feel like going into much detail because I didn't know how old everyone that would be reading it would be.